For them, it is not a crises, it is an awakening, and they feel like they are finally on the correct path. Everything in their past means nothing to them, including us. We only remind them of their life they see as a failure.
When we understand this it helps us to be compassionate towards them, and not take their rejection of us so personally. It really is about them, not us.
This is the greatest pain that you and I have likely faced in our life, but know that theirs is even worse!
Here I go!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
H screamed at me... do you think I takes this lightly, my gut gets wrenched over this, I know how wrong I am, I just can't care or I will not have the energy to work in this rotten econ. I need to stay bad, I'm not really doing anything too bad, I'm just being an as$hole, do I have to stay w/you forever, I just want my freedom to make the money and not have to answer to you about not coming home if I'm too tired to drive, but I'm too old, yes, I deal w your pain and it makes me consider. I don't want to consider!
He said it is better to live life alone! He's never lived alone, how would he know? He said he never understood M, and it's boundaries, why can't M people have friends, what is a W. Being home is his failure in his face everyday, and seeing me deal w/the fallout is pissing him off more. Snodderly, you said having the MLCer home is hard, yes, it makes the journey all that much longer I think.
We are a constante reminder of his failure, and he is working himself to the point of collapse. I think it's so he doesn't have to be home and see, he says it's for the money and to fight back at society trying to bring him down. He drank 5 asprins today as he was bending down w/chest pains, I slowly went to him balled up on my bed, he said he wants to do this alone, he hopes he dies from this. People w/death wishes don't take aspirin!
''''When we understand this it helps us to be compassionate towards them, and not take their rejection of us so personally. It really is about them, not us.'''''
I have read this many times today to get through...I have gone shopping, to the bank, made dinner and now everyones gone to work, or class, and I have this site where all of you are supportive and understanding. When I first met Nero she used to say we should think like the little train...I think I can, I think I can!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Your h dropped a boat load of hurt and frustration on you last evening. Sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself and is just wallowing in the pain. He hasn't figured out how to get himself out of his rut.
I'm so sorry you had all of this dropped on you last evening. Yes, it's very hard to have the mlcer living at home because it is in your face 24/7 and you don't catch a break unless you go out for the day, etc.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H screamed at me... do you think I takes this lightly, my gut gets wrenched over this, I know how wrong I am, I just can't care or I will not have the energy to work in this rotten econ. I need to stay bad, I'm not really doing anything too bad, I'm just being an as$hole, do I have to stay w/you forever, I just want my freedom to make the money and not have to answer to you about not coming home if I'm too tired to drive, but I'm too old, yes, I deal w your pain and it makes me consider. I don't want to consider!
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He said it is better to live life alone! He's never lived alone, how would he know? He said he never understood M, and it's boundaries, why can't M people have friends, what is a W. Being home is his failure in his face everyday, and seeing me deal w/the fallout is pissing him off more.
Hi marie. Look at the two bolded sections above. H cannot deal with his own pain, he certainly isn't able to deal with yours. You have to find a way to do the "acting as if" dance, to relieve him of this added pressure. Acting as if you are fine is good, but actually being happy and content is better... hence the GAL advice.
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We are a constante reminder of his failure, and he is working himself to the point of collapse. I think it's so he doesn't have to be home and see, he says it's for the money and to fight back at society trying to bring him down. He drank 5 asprins today as he was bending down w/chest pains, [quote]I slowly went to him balled up on my bed, he said he wants to do this alone,[/b] he hopes he dies from this.
He is asking for space, give it to him. Don't go to him unless he calls. He is a big boy. Stay out of his way as much as possible for now, see what happens.
Please go out and do something nice for yourself today. You deserve it!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
yikes - how many more mornings will i read your posts and think - "yikes" what stuff to hear and digest. what an insight tho into the "it's about them" stuff. you're making me wonder this morning what my h thinks.
wierdly enough i was going to tell you what maybe is something about our sitch. he comes here and is all fixin stuff and being Mr. busy- mr. productive around the house. mowed lawn- working on book shelf. he's opting to do it- i thought it seems like he wants to and embraces the occupation and outlet of woodworking. then i'm reading your stuff-
and i was also marginally wondering if i'm just alot of household chores and boring junk. - there's nothing exciting about me anymore- just someone who paints the wall so you can put the shelves up and not have to screw around painting between boards. here i am painting the stupid wall- he's playing tennis- . to me it's life as usual and real life. maybe t him it's "oh man- kill me now- this is sooooo hohum and boring". '' somehow i'm not going to be that girl anymore- offering to do stuff to facilitate his projects, etc. the willing helper. i'm just a willing helper- wtf can i say? but maybe it's time to just be a bit more of a 8itch.? ya think... make him ask. never offer anything?
ow lives near disney- i bet they go tra la around, have loads of laughs - go on rides, $crew til their eyes fall out- and yay- is't sooooooo much FUNNNNN ALLLL THE TIME. NO bills, no chores, no reminders of responsibility- no nothin "real life".
i can see that- i'd like some of that myself. i can get it why it's more fun than me and houses and chores.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT OR MY DOING> HOW THE HECK DO I TURN myself into ole fun machine??? the chores are here- the houses are - the yard & garden is- wtf???
i can't get it tho- isn't the security and safeness of us and chores and real life a decent and satisfying thing to have in your life??? (i'd say yeah because they ahve it, and keep it) (and in my case - lied like mad to keep me hanging on). soooo wtf???
so then they have this big injection of excitement with ow- how the heck do we measure up to the whole "young & no responsibility life - which, by the way, is them visiting someone elses life. hanging out- like a kid. not your house, not your life, not your parents & rules - no participation in the responsibliity aspect. how does one compete with that? we don't i guess.
so stopped painting to drop in here.
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why can't M people have friends, what is a W.
my h says this too - what a jerk mine is- yeah, have friends allover the place - having sex with them changes the r and is a problem in ours. period. can he really be that dopey and deluded enough to not know that??? i also get that he doesn't care about that. he wants "FUN" (and he's tired of being responsible, etc......) i'm assuming. it's got to be the same for them all. recapture the magic in life - all of it on every level.
okay- i hope you can still hang on- i guess i think i can, i think i can - for another day anyway.
soooooo me- endure- plod - (see- we are "real life". wtf - do we need to change that? do we need to 8itch up??? whattya think?
hope your day is okay after a wild night. you h at least spews out his pain. mine? i'm not so sure he's in pain. he may have a bit of confusion- i'm not seeing the blood.
oh well-
xxoo ((( ))) wish i could come over with some of my famous (like giant hard gobs of wall paper paste) scones- they'd getyou cheered up. if nothing other than laughing at how awful they are unless they are absolutely dripping in butter- jam and cream. oh yummmm clotted cream - cholesterol fest - yay.....
so then they have this big injection of excitement with ow- how the heck do we measure up to the whole "young & no responsibility life - which, by the way, is them visiting someone elses life. hanging out- like a kid. not your house, not your life, not your parents & rules - no participation in the responsibliity aspect. how does one compete with that? we don't i guess.
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IT'S NOT MY FAULT OR MY DOING> HOW THE HECK DO I TURN myself into ole fun machine??? the chores are here- the houses are - the yard & garden is- wtf???
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ow lives near disney- i bet they go tra la around, have loads of laughs - go on rides, $crew til their eyes fall out- and yay- is't sooooooo much FUNNNNN ALLLL THE TIME. NO bills, no chores, no reminders of responsibility- no nothin "real life".
I think about all of this all the time....reality is all these things...mine includes kids too, not sure about yours.
How can they ever wake up and join reality and leave what they are doing behind when they are having soooooooo much fun with noooooo responsibility?
IDK either, and sometimes I think us LBS's are deluding ourselves.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Yup, I to at times think we are just deluding ourselves. We cannot mesure up to the life they visit in ea/ow. In my case I am starting to believe I need to 100 percent be out of his face, life and let him brew in his own stew. My comfort is his crutch that he uses to balance his crappy side.
Even though his ea is a maggot, that is not what he see's, he see's freedom to be himself, nothing else more than he can handle. He took a dr photo yesterday and said, I look like a homeless man! Right in line w/no need for any effort in his life.
SNODDERLY- thanks so much for your support and kind words. How am I doing? I am accepting w/anger and hurt, but understanding there is nothing I can do. I have kept my distance, as H has clanged on, literally.
Here's what I am learning from our last talk about moving out, if I do he will worry, I think that means he will not know what to do for himself in life. I know he needs me to balance him, he needs my peacefulness.
If we discuss him moving out it ends up more of the same, all that pain and anger pent up inside him is redirected at me the minute I try to extricate myself from the situation. Never underestimate how dirty and mean they can get to have their way I guess.
I feel like a kept women, he knows I am stuck, he's not putting it in my face or taking advantage, I am still in charge of all the finances, but that ea he keeps in touch w/makes me want to rip his face off.
So today I am indifferent! It's the best I got! It was quite a load but I am mentally working through it. Back up to my quote....it keeps me grounded!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
