Sizing up the task ahead!

[mrtwopointfour]

Here is the last thread which got a little long so have started this new one

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2341837&page=1

It does seem that W could be in MLC. I have tried to work out if she is and where she is. Considering 5 or 6 months ago she had a breakdown and from that moment on treating me like the enemy, I am guessing this is either when she entered the tunnel or went into the angry stage.

In the MLC resources, the stages of MLC posts, I read that Depression is stage 4. However can this come at any time? My W had serious and dangerous depression end of last year before BD. So not sure how that helps me timeline wise.

Something I need thoughts and advice on, regarding preparing the house to sell. We have no reason to put the house on the market yet. W has not got a job and therefore she can not afford to live in her own place, and we also need to clear debt. However she is determined to clear stuff out, paint the house etc. This is nothing new to me, I have been doing painting and maintenance on the house since we got to our first place. But W seems to be wanting to go from room to room, painting and clearing. I don't want to move at such a pace, but feel that she is irritated that i am dragging my heels a little - to the point where she is doing it herself to prove a point. Also I feel she is saying - this is easy why did you not do this every weekend and we could be done by now. (how long until the novelty wears off!)

So do I join in and get it done quickly or let her go through the motions?

I am also beginning to consider whether OM is putting pressure on, or she is wanting her own place to be able to be with him. The reason I say this is that she went out with friends and came back happy. Then went off for a while to her room, and came back with a bit of a tone to her voice, and started talking about starting painting on the next room. Almost as if she had spoken to OM and they had discussed being together, prompting desperation again in W. Of course, I am reading into W's actions again, something I should know not to do! GAL / PMA etc.

Anyway thats my first post done. I am just starting to realise how big a task I am facing if W is in MLC.

[mrtwopointfour]

As usual forgot to add to my watched topics!!

[Cadet]

In the MLC resources, the stages of MLC posts, I read that Depression is stage 4. However can this come at any time?

More than likely she is in REPLAY.

Depression is present thoughout the crisis and when in the DEPRESSION stage, it is extremely deep.

The stages are a guide really, and as I say in my welcome post it is best viewing the stages in retrospect.

Yes MLC takes forever.
It might be quicker to become a DOCTOR.

The stages here are Jim Conway's version of MLC, there are other people who have described them too.

Murray Stein simplified them

Separation
Liminality/Overt Depression
Reintegration

Where separation is the longest portion of the crisis, similar to how we say REPLAY.


Throw all the timelines out the window, IMHO.
Figure 7 years or more and you might be close.

This is why we tell you to take your focus off of her.

[mrtwopointfour]

W's fantasy apple cart was knocked over by reality last night.

Anybody want to guess who got the blame for all of this even though I was not there at the time?

W later admitted she is feeling stressed by it all, and had a panic attack. She then said sorry.

[CharlieBrown]

2.4, have you guys gone to counseling at all through all this, either separate or together?

[mrtwopointfour]

2.4, have you guys gone to counseling at all through all this, either separate or together?

No, the week after BD my W agreed to go for me, but said there was no point as it would not change anything. I cancelled it. I thought it could only make things worse if I pushed her into going.

[mrtwopointfour]

W is pleasant today after her rampage earlier. Well I say rampage it was full on offload of her stress and panic onto me.

I was also attacked for not wanting talk about where I am going to move to when we sell the house! And why I never want to talk about anything.

I am wondering if avoiding these conversations is more of the same thing. Whether I should just start discussing, even if I don't believe we are ready to sell the house yet, and do this as a 180?

Anyway, it's now obvious that W is loosing sleep over things, and she has been at this longer that me. She is panicking about how to get to where she wants to be, and what she will have to give up in life to get there.

Isn't it odd. This fantasy of being everything they want to be, and to be able to do everything they want to do, is not actually as easy to achieve as some of those things would be in their current M. For instance the training for new career. There is no way W can retrain, afford her own house and look after the kids 50% of the time after she leaves. But, in our M she could have done that easily. Why can't they see that escaping a life of feeling 'trapped' is actually trapping them more!

[job]

I'm not surprised to read that she's pleasant today after her latest rampage. They do tend to go off the deep end and then later act as if nothing has happened. It's the emotional crisis and they can't handle/cope very well w/anything that upsets them.

If your w wants to talk and she asks questions, by all means answer them. Follow her lead. If something isn't working, try something else.

Yes, she's starting to panic and no, she doesn't see the light or what she had. All she wants to do right now is to run away and start the wonderful fantasy life.

I created a thread many years ago about why they run. Have you read it? It might give you a bird's eye view of why they do run.

Hang in there.

[mrtwopointfour]

Hello S!

Glad you found my new thread!

I am going to read it now. Each night I am reading a different thread from cadets list.

I have to admit. It's been a while since my W apologised for being mean and rude, other than saying sorry for what she is doing to the family. She also said sorry later on in the day as well so she must have felt pretty bad about the way she acted!

[job]

There is a lot of valuable information, not only in Cadet's link but in the MLC Archives. When you have time, you might want to browse the Archives. If there is something in particular that you are looking for go the top of the forum, hit search, type in the word or phrase and then it go.

She may not apologize for being mean and rude, especially if she's been that way to you.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. It's a difficult journey for anyone, especially the mlcer. Keep the faith and dig deeper for patience. Give your w the time and space she needs to figure things out. Hopefully when her crisis is over she will come to realize what a wonderful husband and family that she had.

Please take care of yourself. Okay?