Confused about what I want

[BRNR]

Good Morning.

AJ - I took some time to think about what you said in your last post on my thread.

I am trying to be honest with myself and what I want, and to be honest, I am so confused on what I want.

There are just some days I don't want to let him go and others I want to be so free of him and I am so sure of my next steps to move forward.

If I think honestly to myself, I want my husband. I just don't want all the burden, stress, and anxiety of what comes with Standing and dealing with an MLC raving lunatic.

I see all the mistakes I have made in DB'ing. I see all the mistakes I made during my marriage. And I can't seem to find solid ground to stand on to fix them, rather than I slip back and forth between the two paths...

It has been a tough road getting used to things being a single mother. It has been tough being alone and not having my best friend (H). It has been tough not having the love of my husband who I loved so much. It has been tough missing my kids when they are away. It has been tough dealing with H's demanding, condescending, childish, arrogant attitude. It has been tough dealing with his antics and pain and destruction.

I know we are all dealing with these problems, and that I am not special in this aspect. I was just so happy with my life and could not have asked for anything more, and that was all taken away in an instant.

I am still trying to figure out what I want, and I am stuck. I have been praying to GOD so hard to lead me down the right path. I have listened and heard nothing...so I that is what I do...nothing.

I have kept myself so busy with GAL. I have tried to be the best Mom I can be to my kids during this time. And I do see that my children and I have grown closer through this.

I have to start taking care of me better. And that means stop. I am on go, go, go mode all the time. My mind and my body.

Prayers that I can keep going and be the woman I can be. One that my husband will want to return to some day. One that my kids will be proud of. One that I will love more than anyone else does.

Sorry for the rant and pity and confusion this morning. My heart woke up so hurt and damaged this morning, that it made me re-evaluate everything again.

[job]

The first thing you need to do is take care of YOU! If you don't take care of you, how can you help and/or take care of your children? The second thing to do is take care of your children and your financial and home situation.

As for your h, leave him in God's hands. If you are not sure as to what you want or need to do, sit quietly and patiently, the answers will come.

I do understand how you feel and it does get better in time. I won't say that you'll be 100% in a month or two, but you will feel better as you travel your road of self-discovery.

Be kind to yourself. If you can get a few minutes this weekend to relax, take them. The dust bunnies can wait.

Take care.

[Portia]

I am trying to be honest with myself and what I want, and to be honest, I am so confused on what I want.

There are just some days I don't want to let him go and others I want to be so free of him and I am so sure of my next steps to move forward.

If I think honestly to myself, I want my husband. I just don't want all the burden, stress, and anxiety of what comes with Standing and dealing with an MLC raving lunatic.

I see all the mistakes I have made in DB'ing. I see all the mistakes I made during my marriage. And I can't seem to find solid ground to stand on to fix them, rather than I slip back and forth between the two paths...

Hey B,

I am so sorry you are having a rough morning. I know exactly how you feel. I think we are all struggling to find some equilibrium after the trauma of losing someone, especially when there is a physical separation and (in our case) an OW involved.

Whether or not this will help you, I will tell you what I try to do. I try to look at the situation as it is. That is: he has decided at this point in his life that I am not a priority; we have little contact (none in the last two weeks) and he is a long way away. And then from my point of view: There are things I need to work on and deal with, including a lingering depression, I need to find some joy again and I do not want to replicate his mistakes by jumping at the fist available man while I am like this. So, given all of that does a decision have to be made right now as to whether or not I would take him back? NO. Because right now he does not want to BE taken back. Therefore, I leave that particular situation alone to perculate.

The wavering back and forth is pure emotion for me and I suspect it is for you, too. There is such an urge to do something - anything - because we are used to making a decision. I think in this case though, we need to try and let ourselves waver a bit as part of our journey. Our partners have hurt us so very badly.

I know how you feel. My pendulum swings every day. I try to concentrate on me and my needs. Sometimes it works. Try to give yourself a break.

Hugs to you!

[BRNR]

I try to look at the situation as it is. That is: he has decided at this point in his life that I am not a priority; we have little contact (none in the last two weeks) and he is a long way away

That is what I need to do. I have to fully accept it...some days I do and some days I don't. Every day that goes by I see how much further my H is getting. I really don't see that mine will be one of the ones that returns. This pains me to say. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. I just have to stop hoping that he will return...I think it just keeps me stuck.

Thank you Snodderly and Portia - I always feel comfort and support when I come to these boards, but I really need to start learning to stand on my own. I was always so independent and strong and this sitch has turned me into quite the opposite. Well this is how I feel on the inside anyway. I think on the outside I portray something way differently. I've heard as much from the few people who have seen me and know what is going on. Everyone consistently tells me that I look good and seem to be handling things well and they would be a mess if they were in my shoes.

[BRNR]

So, taking some control of my life today! De-cluttering my closets of H's things.

Right now, I am packing boxes and putting them in one corner of the basement, as I don't want to push. Boy did he leave a lot of things here ugh!

[reachingHigher]

Every day that goes by I see how much further my H is getting. I really don't see that mine will be one of the ones that returns. This pains me to say.

Hi BRNR!
I had felt the same way last summer. My H even said many times that I didn't realize how far he had gone -- how far he had left me mentally.

I'm not saying if I think your H Is or is not coming back -- but you have to have faith in the process. The process of moving on as if he is not coming back and believing you will be okay. And you will. You know that.

It IS painful to sort through their stuff. But I did feel I kind of release of freedom when I filled up our closet with only my things. I even took a pic of it!

Having hope but moving on and grieving are two opposite things, but somehow it can be done.

Hope you are having a good day
rH

[BRNR]

It IS painful to sort through their stuff.

Boy, it sure was...Some of the clothes he left I had remembered when he had gotten them/what he looked like in them, etc...I also found some packets of pictures...another hard moment. I went through them and took all pictures of H out, but then I looked at them and remembered the moments. We were so happy during those times...

But the process was good. It made me remember the great man my H was and how he is such a contrast to that right now. I will need that reminding when and if he baits and provokes me into something in the future. I also think this will help me to have that distant compassion for my MLC'er.

I am having a good day, had an overall good weekend honestly, especially after last weeks argument and H's birthday. I am finding I don't dwell on things as long as I used to.

RH-Also I have followed your threads for quite some time and I am glad to see some positive movement in your sitch with your H. Hope things continue to progress further.

[Negril72]

BRNR..
Hope things have been good with you? I am glad to hear you started to clean up some of his things. I actually have to do the same thing as well.. she left some of the weirdest things behind and took other things that she shouldn't have... so I know the feeling..

After reading your new thread this morning I have been feeling the exact same way. I am questioning everything and it's starting to scare me because I am letting go.... I want to let go but it's really freaking me out because I know I am at the point where I probably could if I wanted too.

Without reading these boards and doing the research that I have there is no way I could be as ready as I am now. But with knowing what I know now I am starting to realize it's the only way.... that there is no way of holding on... I could wait another 6 months or a year and I am not going to love her any less than I do right now.... no matter what happens. Like Portia had posted earlier... I don't want her back the way she is... she's not the woman I feel in love with.. actually not even close.. everyone changes a little as the getting older an experience life... but our spouses changes were more than just a little.

Thanks for starting this thread... it's exactly how I am feeling after this weekend.

Take care..;)

[BRNR]

I want to let go but it's really freaking me out because I know I am at the point where I probably could if I wanted too.

Yep me too!!! And then when H does something it really makes me want to get really far from him.

Speaking of freaking out...he just called me in a panic...called my cell (which I ignored) and then at work. I am the only one here so I had to answer the phone. He went to the safety deposit box and realized only his stuff was in there but none of his "papers". I went a few weeks ago and pulled my stuff out and left his... so I guess he was thinking I took them.

Nope, it turns out we have two safes at home and he never went through them when he left and now it is an emergency that he wants to come look through them tonight. I told him that I would look for his items, but boy does he seem to be freaking over it....I guess because he thought I took them...give me a break please.

[BRNR]

Well, It got worse...boy H went on a rage. I wish he could hear himself.

Phone call #2 - He needs his stuff NOW!!! It can't wait and he is going down to the house to get them. I told him I was not comfortable with that since I wasn't there and didn't want him going through my stuff. He told me too bad and he was doing it anyway to get HIS stuff. I told him that he wouldn't be able to get in and he started laughing and said really, you change the locks. That is MY house and I pay half for it. (funny how now it is his house...all this time it's been "it's YOUR house"). He told me that it was illegal and that WE had agreed to not change anything...and that without anything legal in place I had his stuff there too. I told him calmly that I was taking care of everything, and would get him his stuff as agreed. He said he was going to call the police and they would let him in. I told him that he had ever right to his things, and that I would get them for him later when I had the chance. He yelled something like I was being unreasonable and I told him that I had done nothing but bent over backwards and would get him his things as I always have. I also told him that I wasn't going to be disrespected with him calling me at work, yelling at me, and demanding things. He hung up and said he was calling the cops. I told him that I was sorry he felt he needed to do that. End of call.

Phone Call #3 - He changed his mind/softened his tone. He wasn't going to "break" into the house or call the cops. He demanded his stuff and a key and alarm code to the house as it was half his. I told him I would get him his stuff as he has every right to it. He yelled "AND A KEY AND ALARM CODE". I ended that by just saying ok.

What crazy nonsense...what did I ever do to him for him to act that way? I am so emotionally drained after that one. Fifteen years....we never argued, and now it has come to his MLC for those arguments to happen. Ugh!!! I need a nap.