Divorced from a WAW....gut feelings

[JJAC2005]

I need a little input on this one since it appears to be a more unique situation.
I have another thread that explains in more detail the dynamics of my sitch but the bottom line is I am Divorced. (7mos)
But I thought if I placed a post on the WAW area it might get some different feedback.
My ex stunned me the entire time that we were both separated (in and out of the house for 1.5 yrs) and during the entire time (waiting period) of our D to be final, she was always being relatively nice, and wanting to be with me to still do things together and as a family….we saw each other with all the same feelings of still being a couple, even have some pretty majorly amazing date nights….and we continued to even date/see each other and do family activities until about a month after our divorce was final. **OK, I know, my bad right….I let her have her cake and eat it too….and like many others here “I am certain if I had had the information from Divorce Prevention and Divorce Busting**
Then as you might guess, BOOM, the bomb dropped, and she was ALL DONE! Basically shutting me out and building walls to protect herself from relapse and weakness. She has 2 children from a previous marriage, and even though when we were going through with the divorce, she always stressed to the children as well as me that I had been a very important part of their lives and have introduced them to so many things that they would always be able have me in their lives if they ever needed me or wanted me there. That was short lived as the first phone call I got from our 12 year old boy (basically crying that he missed me and wanted to let me know how much he still loved me) turned out to be the last contact because she couldn’t handle it, and she blocked all forms of future contact between the children and myself from that point on.
She has moved on to a new relationship, 3-4 months old now (I suspect there was a little involvement just prior to her shutting the door in Sept)

Anyway….here are my thoughts and questions?
Since I am divorced, and she has classically walked away (we have NO contact, other that the few times I have tried/asked to see the kids – and was denied)….does that/this situation play out differently in time….Do WAW ever check back, or are they gone for good? I understand “one never really knows” and each situation has its own set of chances….I’m just looking for some honest gut feeling input.

[JJAC2005]

and like many others here "I am certain if I had had the information from Divorce Prevention and Divorce Busting** I would still be married....

However, even after the fact, I am profoundly greatful to have stumbled upon this body of knowledge and making some very good use of it in a variety of ways....
I'm just still wondering about Hope verus reality of "the too little to late"type of view my ex seems to be having now

[Live4myDay]

Hi JJAC2005! I have the same question. I have been divorced for 2 years and separated just 6 months prior to final divorce. I was thinking it was MLC but the more I read on this forum the more I think he was a WAS. There is someone else in his life and has been since separation period. It is a long distance relationship so everytime they're together it's a honeymoon. But is there hope? Can I turn this around? I just found this site too and had I known I think the outcome would be different. Who knows. I'm curious if the DB/DR rules are different for us?

[JJAC2005]

Welcome L4MD...
I have seen a few sucess stories directly related to already being divorced situations, and having them turned around.
So, yes it does happen, but most of the time it doesnt happen very quickly, which makes those of us waiting really wonder if it will ever happen.
I am having more good days than bad now....and seem to have turned the corner on a few other areas of work on my own situation.
As for Holding out for hope, I am seeing that its all up to the individuals that hold on for their own reasons....for me, I am still hopeful....and fell good that its the right choice for me at this time.
Do some more exploring...read more...post more
There is a lot of great advice around here
Hope to see you again....
J

[AnotherStander]

Then as you might guess, BOOM, the bomb dropped, and she was ALL DONE!

This happened a month after D? That's different, usually they're cold before D, then once D happens they warm up. Crimson and his XW are just now starting to piece, it didn't happen until after their D.

Anyway….here are my thoughts and questions?
Since I am divorced, and she has classically walked away (we have NO contact, other that the few times I have tried/asked to see the kids – and was denied)….does that/this situation play out differently in time….Do WAW ever check back, or are they gone for good?

Well, like you said, every sitch is different. All I can do is relay two stories- my step-dad had a WAW (before my mom), after she left and divorced him she came back and wanted to reconcile TWO YEARS later. He had long since moved on and told her to take a hike, but I'm offering this to show that WAW's can still change their mind even if years have passed. The other story I've related here before, it's a buddy of mine, his W was a WAW and they barely spoke for a year after S. Then they started talking again, then became friends, then started going out and then ML. Now they have a pretty active sex life although they're not living together, and it's been 2 years since they S'd. They never did get D'd, but again it shows things can change even if it's years later.

[edward113 two]

I read at a it makes me wonder about my w. She has mentioned divorce numerous times we even went to a mediator but she ran out during the second session. Not she wants to return, but has not contacted the mediator only me. I am going to let her do all to work she is the one who want this not me.

[SFC_Swede]

Everyone is different. My 1 EW moved on with OM, eventually M and never looked back. Sure I handled the D in every conceivable wrong way...and I didnt have the treasure trove of information and experiences here...was younger, and lost everything including my kids...so after being here can easily see WHY that happened.

Now that 2W dropped the bomb...I am doing my best to recognize and turn around my flaws (I thought I had made major changes after 1M, but I guess theres room for more), give her respect, time, and space, and control my emotions no matter how devastated I feel at times.

[JJAC2005]

This happened a month after D? That's different, usually they're cold before D, then once D happens they warm up. Crimson and his XW are just now starting to piece, it didn't happen until after their D.

Stander...
I can only say ....like so many others here....that I only wished I would have had these books and information before the end date.
I really dont think that she wanted the D, I only think she wanted me to change.
I filed because I thought that was what she wanted...and that was what was going to make her happy. (I made so many clasic mistakes in trying to keep this M alive)
But from the day I filed to a month after the final D...she was wanting to see each other, do things together and still be somewhat of a family...in fact she looked me right in the eye and said that she only was divorced on paper, not in her heart or mind.
Now...all I can say is that that M had to end, it had to die in order for both of us to move to a place to heal and to repair ourselves.
I am GAL and things are going very well....but I really miss them all each and every day
Some days i need a little more help with detaching...and patence...but it will get there
Some stories have happy endings right away...some a little longer...and even some many years down the road.....and even some that never get back to that point at all.
But there is no way to predict what will happen for each of us...we just need to do what we need to do for ourselves.
Be true to that which we want to be and it will be all alright!

[JJAC2005]

So, do our gut feelings really count for anything?
I would hope that we have a pretty good understanding of our significant others by this point....but one never truly knows anyone totally, right? Leaving the door always open for a surprise
When I started this thread I was hoping to get a few others to plug in a little insight on the WAS situations and the possible triggers for fog lifting to the point of contact for curiosity sake.
I have read quite an array of different story line situations here, and one of the most common connections are for those of you that shared children with your WAS.
In my case, I am not sure what will be the tie to any type of draw back for another look...one can hope that there will be a combination of love, values, and even remembering that things weren’t always as bad as you/they remembered
As most of the newbie’s here, I am still learning a lot about patience and detachment, sometimes slower some days than on others. But I also think that we are still so fresh that we want a quick turn around, but know that it’s probably all for the best if we can gain a lot of ground in our learning until that day comes when our WAS gives us that hint of interest.
Right now my gut is telling me that the woman I knew as my wife is gone….she has really turned the page and is ready to write her next chapters without even the slightest inclining of looking back.
However, my heart still hangs on to a few things that say….maybe.…maybe in time her heart will soften and her mind will recall….and her interest will be peaked to check in for a visit.
So, do we listen to our gut…or our hearts?

[LBH_LC]

I don't have an answer for you, but I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one in that boat. My W and I don't have any children, and my gut is telling me the same thing as you.

Hang in there, friend. It has to get better.