I found Limbo Land

[mrtwopointfour]

Here is my last thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...017#Post2333017

So just a quick recap:

Its been about 7 or 8 weeks since BD. I've been through the crying, begging, apologizing, asking questions, telling W that I can change - all that business.

W is no longer in love with me, wants her own life, not happy in marriage to me, feels trapped, thinks she never loved me, did it because that's what parents wanted, thinks she has been living a life that's not her for last 15 years, all that negative stuff I have read on so many other posts on here. No mention of the good times!

There is an EA going on, possible PA which I started to probe into but i found things out (nothing concrete) that made my mind go into overdrive so quickly dropped that. I will deal with all that if W wants to come back, until then i makes no difference, as long as it does not effect kids or my finance.

I know where I have been at fault in my 50% of R. Wrong LL's, a little over protective / concerned for her well being, taken w for granted, gone from being laid back and optimistic to stressed and run down (guess that's what happens when you are the main earner, and you have family to support), also we both have not had enough individuality in M. I've made my fulsome apologies for these, and W knows I have acknowledged these faults. I have also told W that I am not giving up on our M, but need to get on with life and look after myself, so will no longer talk about it. This was about 2 weeks ago.

I have things changes to make to GAL. I have listed these in my last thread but essentially are:

• Going to the Gym
• Meeting friends for drinks
• Looking into new hobbies and taking up old ones
• Taking pride in my appearance. Taking chances with appearance that I never had confidence to do before
• Going off by myself to coffee shops to read
• Taking kids out by myself

I also have goals planned which I must admit are tweaking a little after reading DR. My main goal is for W to fall 'in love' with me again. But my smaller goals are:

• W to discuss future plans for holidays. At the moment its always avoided.
• W to stop talking about being separated in the future (no mention of D for about 3 weeks, but plenty of reminders about living apart in future ie who will keep what, how W is going to have to learn to do things when she lives alone etc etc)
• W to sit in same room as me to watch TV at night (we sleep in separate rooms at the moment, and W sits in there all night to watch TV rather than with me)

I think these are the ones I am working towards at the moment, and will be enough for me to trigger change.

And then onto my 180's:

• Do more around house, before because of being main earner with W working PT, I left certain things for W. I now do these when I can, and i feel better for it. Before I was on edge as I always felt like I was not doing enough, or that W was stressed at having to do all the work. Now I do what I need to and relax.
• No longer stressed at kids, or when they get ill. Did not even have to try with this one, as soon as BD came it was like a switch.
• Listening to every word W says. Before would tend to listen but not really take it in. This would really irritate W.
• Not asking where W has been, or where she is going. Letting W tell me. This is the big one.

So why am I in Limbo Land.

Well, W has noticed 180's and change in me. Think she assumes its all an act and has said many times that 'its too little too late', 'its not going to make a difference, 'it doesn't matter any more so why bother', or, 'why are you doing this now - you never before'. Apart from the later one, the others have not been said for a few weeks now, and I think maybe W said these things out of annoyance. W also has also noticed my dressing better, being better with kids, and other personal changes and commented on these. But it still 'doesn't change the way she feels, those feelings can never return'.

We are still living together, same house, getting on very well (frustrating as we are getting on better than we have done for a year or so). Eating together on most evenings. Its almost as if we are in a happy marriage without the physical contact, loving gestures etc.

More recently W has started to show interest in taking kids out for days, which before was a 'we shall see'. She even looked at going away for a few days - its not quite a holiday, but I see this as a start. So these are positives. But then there are the comments about the future (by W). The comments that make it clear she is still planning on separating. Its hard not to react, but I just say simple works such as 'yes that's true', or 'i suppose so'.

I am trying to detach but with us getting on so well its making it very difficult. During the day, W will contact me, so even though I am trying to not to make contact by W contacting me I feel i have to reply. And I have even managed to forget the fact that she is 'in love' with OM, maybe this is detaching, but also think that I am kidding myself into thinking its all okay. Its so easy to forget all this is happening at the moment and relax and pretend nothing is wrong. It feels like our lives are on hold waiting for something to happen. I know this is good and it give me the gift of time. I am still learning patience, but at the same time I feel like I need to up my game even more. I also worry that all the sudden love I felt when BD came, and the immense feeling of never want to loose her, has gone - I wonder now if I am falling out of love myself.

[mrtwopointfour]

I've actually just re-read this since posting and realised it comes across as me being in complete control and in a good place. I wish that was true - I am in a much better place than I was maybe 4 weeks ago, but I still can't look or think of W without feeling horrible emptiness and fear of not being with her anymore. And the thought of her with somebody else, maybe even my kids knowing that other person as my W's partner, is something I can not get over right now. So I suppose I have a long way to go still!

[Breakdown]

I have to say, that first post sounds pretty awesome, and I was a little taken aback given the short time frame you're talking about. Some folks are in their sitch for years before they "get it" the way you sound like you do at 8 weeks.

Unfortunately, your second post sounds more like reality. But, that said, you still "get it." Yeah, you are struggling with your emotions still, but you realize the path you should be on. Stay on that path....keep working on you....keep GAL....keep improving.

With regards to W's comments, I'd just brush them away. They all say that. What you have to realize though is that their point of view is valid. You were a certain way for a long time and now you've changed? It's going to take a long time for that to sink in and for them to trust those changes are real. And when I say long time, I'm talking years.

[Grizz]

Welcome to the limbo club. Unfortunately not a club that I willingly signed up for. You are just 8 weeks into this. To you it seems like an eternity but realistically you are just getting started. At that point in my sitch my W hated me. She had such anger and she couldn't get out fast enough. Money is the only thing that kept her here. Fast forward two more months and, for whatever reason, that anger is now gone. She is even friendly now. Does that mean she doesn't want a D? I have no idea and I am not asking either. She still shows no signs of affection toward me but at least she does not show hatred toward me. I say all of this to just point out that your W can change. It takes time.

I can't remember if it was sandi or 25, but one of them said that you will need more patience than you ever thought you had and when you think you have reached that limit then multiply that by 10.

This is hard. No doubt about. The rollercoaster is awful. Okay days followed by terrible days. I will have days that I think I am detached and days that I think I am finished with my whole sitch. Then I will have days that I look at my W and still think she is the love of my life and I will never stop trying.

Patience in key. PMA is key. GAL is key.
Now, I just need to go back and read this for myself every few days because I am still not there yet. Keep your head up and press on.

[AnotherStander]

I wish that was true - I am in a much better place than I was maybe 4 weeks ago, but I still can't look or think of W without feeling horrible emptiness and fear of not being with her anymore.

That's OK, it takes time to get through the grieving process and to get over your fears that you will never be happy again. Take solace in the fact that you have made tremendous progress, your first post in this thread demonstrates that quite well Like Grizz said what you've got to work on now more than anything is patience. You've got the groundwork laid out in your OP, just stick to the plan and give it time to work. Good luck

[mrtwopointfour]

Some folks are in their sitch for years before they "get it" the way you sound like you do at 8 weeks.

I think I have forced myself into a crash course of reading and learning. I have never put so much time and effort into a project! I do sometimes have to stop and check with myself that I am actually understanding this, and not pretending to behave the way I have read that I need to.

What you have to realize though is that their point of view is valid. You were a certain way for a long time and now you've changed?

Yes, I get this completely, and my W is stubborn at the best of times! So i think its going take more than your average W to begin to change. At the moment I still believe she has no intention of lowering the walls.

[mrtwopointfour]

Welcome to the limbo club.

Thank you, I will look out for my membership card in the post

Money is the only thing that kept her here. Fast forward two more months and, for whatever reason, that anger is now gone. She is even friendly now. Does that mean she doesn't want a D? I have no idea and I am not asking either. She still shows no signs of affection toward me but at least she does not show hatred toward me. I say all of this to just point out that your W can change. It takes time.

This is like a carbon copy of my life and sitch right now. I have seen change in attitude towards me, since the first few weeks and it feels a little like W's panic has subsided a little.

Now, I just need to go back and read this for myself every few days because I am still not there yet. Keep your head up and press on.

Again, you sound like me - you know exactly what to do and expect, but daily reminders are important to help remember that its still happening and is far from over. You sound like you have come a long way though, which is great!

[mrtwopointfour]

I wish that was true - I am in a much better place than I was maybe 4 weeks ago, but I still can't look or think of W without feeling horrible emptiness and fear of not being with her anymore.

That's OK, it takes time to get through the grieving process and to get over your fears that you will never be happy again. Take solace in the fact that you have made tremendous progress, your first post in this thread demonstrates that quite well Like Grizz said what you've got to work on now more than anything is patience. You've got the groundwork laid out in your OP, just stick to the plan and give it time to work. Good luck

How far do we need to grieve? for example should we carry on as if its over, and my W is lost forever, or should i go to a certain point of accepting that W is not mine for now?

[JuneReN]

It's been almost seven months for me and the grieving still pops up once in a while. More on the what could have been, rather than the H is gone bit though.

For me once I accepted and understood that these are not my decisions and I only can make my own, my own acceptance of H's choices became easier. I don't have to like them, but I have to respect them.

H is not mine for now. My feelings for him haven't changed, but who is to say that after 6 months, a year, 2 years they won't? I don't know the future. All I know is this is where I am today and I determine my path, not his. I have always said that I will be exactly in the same place down the road whether or not H and I should be together or not.

[Papa4Life]

I share your pain, Mr2.4. I too am asking myself when I will know when to throw in the towel. I want SO much to keep DBing for the sake of my children. My W repeatedly says that we can have a 'good divorce' and give the kids a chance to be happy. But I've been there and I know the trauma that you feel when the world falls out from under your feet is something that stays with you all your life. So that's what gives me the strength to keep trying. I would suggest that you keep GALing and keeping a PMA. It will help you maintain your dignity and self-respect. I'm learning that you can't 'catch' someone and bring them back, but you can change yourself to become more attractive to make them want to come back on their own. Good luck!