Mother-in-law, whom I thought I was building a better relationship with since H left, texted yesterday if D18 had received her bday card & money. I replied yes, she's so grateful, sorry she didn't text you, hows it going? MIL replied, well I did send her a text & didn't hear back. Bad marks for d18, she should have expressed appreciation immediately.
On the other hand, I did invite MIL to her party last week & she didn't come because weather & traffic was too bad. I also invited her to family dinner last Monday and she declined again.
Then MIL posts on FB this morning "I don't understand how people can be so ungrateful!! Not asking for a thank you card. Would be tickled pink with an email or text! And over the moon with a phone call! Sure makes me not want to give much or ANYTHING in the future!"
Wow, passive aggressive much?? This is why we didn't speak to her for 12 years!!
It's not my job to try to teach MIL that her expression is unhealthy and mean spirited - especially against her granddaughter who just got the card 2 days ago. And maybe I'm mindreading about MIL's true intent and her post is directed at someone else (yeah, right).
But how does an emotionally healthy person handle this? Old me would have lambasted her with a snarky comment on FB. I will not react this way. I'm inclined to let her vent & if she has a mature issue she needs to discuss with d18 or me, she can approach us. But this also will make me very reserved in ALL future dealings with her. I could try to express that I find her comments really hurtful and wish that she would have just called to talk about it instead of trying to shame d18 on fb. But again, it's not my job to try to teach her a lesson. I want to call H and complain to him, but I'm not supposed to discuss negative feelings with H.
Sit back and think about it. Don't do anything while you are still emotional. Sure it sounds like a mean thing to do and on FB.? Gets to me that people use it as a way to communicate when they should be doing it verbally as you say. Cowardly. I had similar, I trusted my daughter to handle it. It was good for her. It is her R afterall. She did well. She is an adult after all. We talked about it but I didn't act on her behalf. As far as your H..just wait to see how it pans out. It's not his fault either. He may want to know when these things happen but take the emotion out of it first.
Thanks for the comments shiss & gal. I decided to leave it alone, d18 wrote her card & that's all we can do. Can't control MIL's reactions.
Had DB coach yesterday and IC appt today. Talk about polar opposites.
I have first counseling appt with H next week. And I feel impending doom about the appt and feel that H is just going through the motions. We were on a pretty good communication path, but the closer it gets to the appt the more distance I'm feeling from him again. It probably doesn't help that I'm overly anxious about it (to myself and here, not expressing that to H).
DB coach said to do either approach 1) take focus off R and focus on kids and successful co-parenting. I pointed out, though, that co-parenting was never an issue for us. We were always a team in that regard but there weren't many other facets to our R. But she had a good point about building the teamwork and working together and the rest of the R can develop from there. Or approach 2) simply state that H has never fully expressed his anger or emotions about our R and I feel there is a lot unsaid and I'd like H to have opportunity to do that. Then I listen and absorb and don't react. It's not easy for him to dig deep and I doubt that one will go very far either.
IC said it's time for an ultimatum. I need to know where my life is heading and if H is part of the plan. Don't need to have fully restored R, but need to know if he's willing to work on it. That sounds like pressure and sounds dangerous. So she suggested putting it out there that I want to 'open a dialogue' about R. Then she points out the reality that he's given absolutely no indication that the door is ajar and I need to be prepared to move on. And I asked IC, but he hasn't filed or talked about D, does that show ambivalence? IC pointed out to me that I did all the family planning/managing, so how could I really expect him to get his act together to file for D?
Is there a third option I'm missing here?
I've thought I could do a combination of both - I want to know where H is in this process, want to express what I've learned and hope for rebuilding R, and want to establish renewed co-parenting. HOW much vulnerability do I want to convey? Is it okay to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell H that I want a thriving R, and I still want it with him? That would kind of be a 180 for me because of the fact that I always reacted in anger & didn't open that much.
What do I really want from this and subsequent C sessions? I could walk away and feel good about my efforts if H understands the options, and the possibilities for a renewed R - AND STILL SAYS nope, I don't want it with you. In some strange way, I could actually live with that. Instead, I've only heard 'it was too late', 'I don't think it's possible' - a whole lot of doubt but no definitive CHOICES. Is that an unreasonable expectation?
What are the pitfalls I need to avoid here? My main goal is keeping my cool, being calm, not reacting & showing validation. My brain is full of sound bites from books, DB, this forum, & IC. Lots of contradicting theories. I want my marriage. But I can only control my half of the work.
I would disregard IC's advice about the ultimatum. That's not a good idea. Here's what I recommend -- communicate with your MC ahead of time one-on-one. Discuss what you want to get out of the MC session and strategize on the best way to do that.
Don't walk into the MC session without stacking the deck. You want the MC prepped and fully on your agenda. To do otherwise is to take too big a chance and put too much faith in the MC.
The pitfall to avoid is to wear your heart on your sleeve in MC and say too much. You need to rebuild attraction and that requires some mystery. MC tends to kill that for the LBS by encouraging you to lay your heart out on the table.
MC can give you good communication tools, and can be an impartial mediator when discussing difficult topics. They can call one or both of you on your BS if you're being irrational.
I like DB Coach's approach of letting H air his feelings and get it off his chest and you just listen and absorb and don't defend or rebut. Either way, prep MC.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
(((Hugs)))
