My painting party wasn't for you, I like blue!

[albamarie]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...632#Post2331632

My H was gone for 2 days on a work trip, that's when he was suppose to come home with a plan for moving out, but he came home angry and yelling at my new living room decor.

I took advantage of those days and put my home back into some sort of new direction, starting with getting the MLC guy off my couch! The kids and their friends painted and arranged furniture into the night, while I packed up some nonsense of his (computer games). He has been tossed aside!

That's not his anger, it's his usual depressive crap I don't want around me. I guess it's time to GAL which means I have to leave my home to get away from him, but I do have to come back eventually and here he will be.

[albamarie]

The weekend is here and Sat is the day we are to talk about how to make arrangements for H to move out. I am willing to talk to him about finances, and his belongings, but I will not speak to him about where he is going, or how he will live.

I need to keep from falling into his conversation of manipulation, blame and false guilt. I see that he has floundered around this subject seemingly on board until tonight when he claimed to have no reason to leave. He said he has needs to have an equal balance including home life, I said no, I am putting an end to this.

I know he doesn't believe me, or think I will insist. I saw a glimpse of him getting pissed off that I seem to be serious. He insisted on saying that ea is necessary in his life and he will not leave her alone. I insisted that I am taking myself out of the equation, he insists I am not.

This is such a mess and it hurts way to much to have him need ea to speak to everyday, I want to be far away from all of this already.

[nero]

hey hi and thanks for link

i was responding in your old place a minute ago-

here i am- here in new and this stuff. i'm sorry it went badly. he sounds like my h- he wants it all.

This is such a mess and it hurts way to much to have him need ea to speak to everyday, I want to be far away from all of this already.
_______________

talk about death by a thousand cuts - mee too - this is what is killing me- killing "us" and killing anything that might even stll be here somewhere.

i th ink my h feels the same- it's what will end it all for us.

i'm not ready- have one more bit of toughinging up to do. i don't think it matters to him that i was there with him- that i am here with him- he gave alovely speech in funeral home- we all cried and cried- but i keepty wondering in my hearr if he was putting it on- dramatizing. it was veryn ice- i am untrusting of anything out of his mouth. it was his instruction "assume it's all lies" - well, now i do.

sad - the thinkgs people say in anger or whatever - and then ave to live with.

he doesn't know- i don't tell him anthing about what i feel about him, r, sitch, etc.

i guess i will when i'm walking out the door. oh well

sorry things got ratty- your guy sure is something. i read it and wonder if that's all in my h's head also- he just doesn't talk.

cripes- i'm goign to enjoy some solitude and not think- my brain is fried as are my emotions.

it's been an awful couple weeks- but i appreciate being alive today.

xxoo (( )) i'm okay rite now-

[nero]

i just want to say i am so sorry you feel like you are being forced out- dn't leave your home- i don't know how bad it could be or get- but i'm thinking why should you leave?

i don't know how that would work tho- it seems impossible to fathom - as nuts as me and us and two houses and how unsatisfactory it's all become.

wonder what we'll be saying, thinking and feeling and doing in five years?????

xxoo

[albamarie]

So far into Sun there has been no adult compromising, I am trying to have a logical conversation with a child like, unhealthy minded grown man. I want him to move out and create a life for himself to do the things he feels he's missed out on due to being married w/kids.

I am aware that these are not the reasons his life feels as if he's never lived, but he needs to go through something, in order to come to his own realizations. Sleeping on my couch (again) and bitching for almost 4yrs now has not yielded any results, but it has caused a lot of hurt and pain throughout every member of this family.

Sat he said he wants both worlds and will not give up this one, and doesn't want me to cut myself from his life. He is facing the fact that he may not have a choice in that being that he is the cause of my decision and is not willing to make the necessary changes.

I have expressed that I need to put my home back to a full family home, with company and dinners and open laughter, and that is my main goal for asking him to make some changes. I also told him he is not diserving of my good graces and I no longer want to be his homemaker. This is his home and family if one day he so choses to treat us with the respect we deserve, until then he needs to give us our space to be a happy family.

His response was pissy like a child and manipulative, like a man who wants what he wants and is now going to lay face down in my couch because he needs to face the reality of his sitch. He spat that I am convincing him he should let ea go, just after he spent the morning cruising past her house to say hi. He spat even if he did, he wasn't going to return home a happy man.

I am not asking him to come home, he keeps bringing himself to these conclusions that he needs to return since I am asking him to leave. It seems when it comes down to it we are his priority and that is his struggle. He says that the life on the N side of town is not fun, it's a huge burden, it's a broken life style without God, and we are better.

I have tried without sadness, blame, ultimatums, anger, or guilt to have him see that it's just time to have the last bit of respect to let me make this decision for me and the family. My kids don't speak to him and he is being left out of the g-kid decisions and then probably life all together if we don't make some changes from status quo-

I believe if he takes some time for himself, and lets us heal a bit, maybe he wont have to be totally eliminated one day from our lives, at least theirs. I know he's scared but it not about him anymore, it's our time, but I don't know if I should be insistant and how far should I take it...give a fair time frame warning and then change the locks?

[mizjjd]

Dmarie,

we might be married to the same person.

My H's ea "helps him get his past into perspective" (she's an old gf)

Every time I have a fit about her H says "...and just when I was deciding I wanted to be with you..."

I have asked him to leave on 4 separate occasions.

On our anniversary H showed me an email he sent to ow telling her that their "friendship" had perhaps strayed into an "affair of the heart" and that this was causing problems in our marriage. So from here on out h would be giving me access to all communications so I can see that "its all platonic"

I accepted this with reservations. I don't trust H or his letter - but believe he THINKS he conceded something which is interesting in and of itself.

I don't know what one is supposed to do with a spouse who won't leave. Probably a good first step would be to see an attorney so you know what your rights are, and how to protect yourself.

Good luck and God bless.

[albamarie]

thanks for stopping by mizjjd:

If they lived with ea they would realize reality follows you anywhere and there is a reality that [censored] there as well. My H knows her life [censored] but he gets to walk away and come to my home filled with comfort, and when this [censored] go back to her house until it gets real and so on....!

I keep getting...I have been talking to her less so it is dyeing down or she's so ugly, you are far prettier and better than her, our home is better, your an angel compared to the devil I chose to talk to.

I have gone NC (very hard while he's here) I answered the two words he's uttered all weekend politely, I take over the living room if I chose to use the tv and act as if. I'm going to try to let him ride out his MLC and figure out his R he's going to have or not have and at the same time make sure I know what I want and work on that.

[albamarie]

He's still face down on the couch...returning home from work uttering, "get back into your hole" as he went back to the couch! I didn't ask him to be home, he said let him go so I did, he remained and now he's going to justify his ideas that home [censored]!

So now what, force him out, let him ride in his hole ( my couch), this is him being very rebellious, I guess torn, and I would say in control. He obviously wants to be a cake eater!

Any suggestions? What do I do? What do I say? Do I leave it alone, do I take control of my home?

[nero]

hey - i forgot your new painting name. almost didn't find you again- looking back at your old posts - lost lost me.

i don't know worth a darn any answers- but i'm going to be watching you and see if snodderly or someone has something to add. i feel in same boat- my h is cake eating for sure- along with being insane.

oh well- get packing. i'm thinking loosly tho, if nothign is jumping into your head- do nothing and ride along- it will come to you- *( think i believe it- and i'm sure doing it) so- hopefully the universe will send you the inspiration- sign whtever it is that pushes you into something ...

make any sens???? i'm the world's biggest over-thinker, procrastinator- giver of breaks, pma addict, etc.

xxoo goodl uck

[job]

Dawn,
If your h wants to be on the couch face down, then let him. YOu can't feel sorry for him because he knows that only he can fix himself.

So, you now have a grumpy roommate. Others may disagree, but I personally think you should cease doing anything for him, which includes laundry, meals, etc. for a bit. Live your life as if he's never going to participate in family functions or get his act together. Start doing for Dawn and your children. When he realizes that you aren't taking care of him, maybe, just maybe, he'll start to sense that you are moving on.