Running out of steam

[mrtwopointfour]

So its been about 5 weeks since my bomb drop. I found out through being suspicious after weeks of bad atmosphere, no intimacy, touching, and very late nights by W (within house). I made the decision to snoop and found messages between W and a OP. The world fell from beneath my feet. W told me ILYB and that she loved him, and she wanted a D.

We have been M for 9 yrs, together 15, 2 kids 5 and 8. A happy marriage, but had its issues. Wife lost a parent a few years back which was slow and painful for all concerned. Since then things have not been the same.

We are still living in same house, this looks to be how it will be for months to come until we sort finance, W needs FT Job. We agree on 50/50 on all including kids. W is pushing for D, I am reluctantly going along, what choice do I have. If I resist it causes her to pull away more.

I have asked about OP, and W still in contact, says OP is important to her and a special friend. Not yet met, and no plans yet or to peruse further as its not the right time to do that. I believe OP is M, w Kids and in another state.

I have read Andrew Marshalls books ILYB and My wife does not love me, as well as Help your Partner say yes. These have been great inspiration. And although W has noticed great change in me, which I am doing for me, says nothing has changed, she can't tell me what I want to hear. I also make a lot of mistakes, silly ones which I don't think through before I act, which seems to happen every week when I get myself back together. Which I fear just make the decision concrete in W mind. Another thing from the long list of issues, to prove W is doing the right thing.

Main issues in M are that we are not independent enough, i have taken W for granted, not shown enough love and affection - or shown it the wrong way (through gifts and going out of way to do anything for her), but more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way - W feels she needs to have her own life where she can do what she wants, not have to answer to anybody.

I have apologised for all my errors, and acknowledged how this would make her feel, as explained in A Marshall's books. And this upset her, and made her explain a lot more, as well as say how guilt she felt and how that would never leave her. I have now ordered DR.

I have tried some 180's which are being noticed. But i feel like things are getting worse. We are getting along very well, better than the last few years, but where I used to make her laugh all the time - I can't - maybe through trying too hard! As I said I keep making silly mistakes, which to W look like I am tracking or keeping tabs. This then pulls us apart an W does not communicate.

I am not sure the full on DB approach will work, or maybe I am afraid W will see this as me accepting and therefore she will move on quicker. But is my more subtle approach just coming across as false, like I am just not taking the situation and what she wants seriously.

Also wedding rings. W does not wear hers. I am wearing mine. Should this be taken off to make her realise I am taking this seriously.

I wish I could stop thinking about it. 24 hours, even my dreams. I am trying not to panic, trying to be patient - but every day seems like an up hill struggle with the occasional fall and starting at the bottom again.

[mrtwopointfour]

Sorry to bump but I'm way down the list due to being new and waiting for clearance.

[mrtwopointfour]

Just to add to this. W went away to visit friend this weekend. Although she never went where she said she was going, even though when casually asking her what the place was like acted like she was there. I have not mentioned I know this yet.

It could be she met her friend somewhere else, but did not want to tell me because of the cost of the weekend away, or more likely that she met OM.

My reason for not mentioning is that maybe she need to do this a few times to start to realise that its not the fantasy she thought, also in the past I have been very quizzical about her comings and goings so one of my 180's is to do the opposite. So to tell her i know where she was goes against that.

She has returned very happy, and very pleasant towards me. Which is annoying as it puts me in a place where my mind says things are better, but is it because she is glowing from 'love' from this OM?

I am very confused as to what i want, or need to do.

[mrtwopointfour]

As I am still on moderation I am going to add some short detail over a few posts so its all there when I am set free! (maybe a bad choice of words ha ha)

My Goal:

To my own life back, and in turn hope my wife will fall in love with me again.

Smaller Goals:

Spend more playtime with the kids, and not to get stressed when they are troublesome or ill.

Do the things around the house that I have just assumed I did not need to do being the FT worker.

Listen to wife, although recently i have lapsed here, trying to make sure i keep this up. Before I would just listen and then sometimes not even know what we had been talking about. Now I listen to every work and make eye contact.

Go to the gym, take up more sport, go walking, go out with family and friends.

Stop checking up on wife, and asking what she is up to, and what she has been doing (although given recent events - this is the hardest)

I have more, but these are the main ones for now and the ones I think will make me feel better, and show evidence of change.

W has noticed already, but think she feels its temporary. In the past when she has asked me to do stuff I have done too much to over compensate. I have been doing this a lot recently so need to tone it down a little to make it look sincere.

[2chiquitos]

bump

[jp787]

So its been about 5 weeks since my bomb drop. I found out through being suspicious after weeks of bad atmosphere, no intimacy, touching, and very late nights by W (within house). I made the decision to snoop and found messages between W and a OP. The world fell from beneath my feet. W told me ILYB and that she loved him, and she wanted a D.

We have been M for 9 yrs, together 15, 2 kids 5 and 8. A happy marriage, but had its issues. Wife lost a parent a few years back which was slow and painful for all concerned. Since then things have not been the same.

We are still living in same house, this looks to be how it will be for months to come until we sort finance, W needs FT Job. We agree on 50/50 on all including kids. W is pushing for D, I am reluctantly going along, what choice do I have. If I resist it causes her to pull away more.

I have asked about OP, and W still in contact, says OP is important to her and a special friend. Not yet met, and no plans yet or to peruse further as its not the right time to do that. I believe OP is M, w Kids and in another state.

I have read Andrew Marshalls books ILYB and My wife does not love me, as well as Help your Partner say yes. These have been great inspiration. And although W has noticed great change in me, which I am doing for me, says nothing has changed, she can't tell me what I want to hear. I also make a lot of mistakes, silly ones which I don't think through before I act, which seems to happen every week when I get myself back together. Which I fear just make the decision concrete in W mind. Another thing from the long list of issues, to prove W is doing the right thing.

Main issues in M are that we are not independent enough, i have taken W for granted, not shown enough love and affection - or shown it the wrong way (through gifts and going out of way to do anything for her), but more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way - W feels she needs to have her own life where she can do what she wants, not have to answer to anybody.

I have apologized for all my errors, and acknowledged how this would make her feel, as explained in A Marshall's books. And this upset her, and made her explain a lot more, as well as say how guilt she felt and how that would never leave her. I have now ordered DR.

I have tried some 180's which are being noticed. But i feel like things are getting worse. We are getting along very well, better than the last few years, but where I used to make her laugh all the time - I can't - maybe through trying too hard! As I said I keep making silly mistakes, which to W look like I am tracking or keeping tabs. This then pulls us apart an W does not communicate.

I am not sure the full on DB approach will work, or maybe I am afraid W will see this as me accepting and therefore she will move on quicker. But is my more subtle approach just coming across as false, like I am just not taking the situation and what she wants seriously.

Also wedding rings. W does not wear hers. I am wearing mine. Should this be taken off to make her realize I am taking this seriously.

I wish I could stop thinking about it. 24 hours, even my dreams. I am trying not to panic, trying to be patient - but every day seems like an up hill struggle with the occasional fall and starting at the bottom again.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Hang in there this is a great place to be. The vets will chime in soon!

[mrtwopointfour]

I hope so. I am on the verge of throwing in the towel.

[Breakdown]

2.4, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you have found this place relatively early, so that's a good thing. You've started reading, which is also a good thing.

Read DR when you get it, and then I'd highly recommend "The Five Love Languages." It sounds like you have been giving love in the wrong language.

Main issues in M are that we are not independent enough, i have taken W for granted, not shown enough love and affection - or shown it the wrong way (through gifts and going out of way to do anything for her), but more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way - W feels she needs to have her own life where she can do what she wants, not have to answer to anybody.

The independent issue sounds more like WAS crap than a real issue. Of course she wants some independence now so she can pursue OM....that's not the same as a problem in the M.

Why does your W think you are protective and controlling? Do you think these are true? How are you addressing them?

I have tried some 180's which are being noticed. But i feel like things are getting worse. We are getting along very well, better than the last few years, but where I used to make her laugh all the time - I can't - maybe through trying too hard! As I said I keep making silly mistakes, which to W look like I am tracking or keeping tabs. This then pulls us apart an W does not communicate.

What are your 180s?

A lot of what you are saying sounds like your W is asking for some space....give it to her. If you pursue, she is going to run, don't.

I am not sure the full on DB approach will work, or maybe I am afraid W will see this as me accepting and therefore she will move on quicker. But is my more subtle approach just coming across as false, like I am just not taking the situation and what she wants seriously.

Might be better to read the book before you make any judgements. And I think you can respect your W's wishes without appearing like you are ok with it. A simple statement such as "W, I don't want a D, but I do want you to be happy, and if D is what you think you need to achieve that, I will respect your wishes" addresses both.

Also wedding rings. W does not wear hers. I am wearing mine. Should this be taken off to make her realise I am taking this seriously.

You'll see differing opinions on this one. Some say take it off, because when your W sees it on your finger, she'll feel pressured. Others choose to keep it on as a symbol of their commitment to the M. I think you have to do what feels right for you.

Initially, I kept mine on because of my commitment to the M, but now I haven't worn mine in 6+ months. My still wears hers, but yet is still set on D...so all in all, I don't think it matters that much.

I wish I could stop thinking about it. 24 hours, even my dreams. I am trying not to panic, trying to be patient - but every day seems like an up hill struggle with the occasional fall and starting at the bottom again.

That's a pretty good description of it...it's a rough ride. I don't think it really gets any better, but you will learn to not let it affect you so much and be true to yourself despite what is going on in your sitch. Just hang in there, post often, vent here instead of to your W, etc.

[Spartan]

Little confused on OP.

I have asked about OP, and W still in contact, says OP is important to her and a special friend. Not yet met, and no plans yet or to peruse further as its not the right time to do that. I believe OP is M, w Kids and in another state.

Has your W not met him yet?

What specific things did your W complain about with you and/or M? I know you mentioned taking her for granted and not having independence but anything else?

Are they real and do you agree and understand what she means? Are these your only 180's?

That's probably last questions I'll ask you about your W. Now on to you...

I also make a lot of mistakes, silly ones which I don't think through before I act

What type of mistakes are you making?

Sounds like you're letting your emotions get the better of you (perfectly normal at early stages). One thing that's been pounded into my head is to act, not react. If emotions are high leave the situation.

more importantly I have been protective and controlling, not in an obvious way, but maybe in a passive way

Why do you think you feel the need to do this?

What are you afraid of happening if you let her live her life?

As I said I keep making silly mistakes, which to W look like I am tracking or keeping tabs.

Are you tracking or keeping tabs?

Giving up control (or the illusion of it) is a very hard thing to do. It took me a long time to stop asking questions to W. I never felt like I was trying to control her but she saw it very differently than I did. The littlest thing, things you would never think about, were considered me trying to control her in her eyes.

I am not sure the full on DB approach will work, or maybe I am afraid W will see this as me accepting and therefore she will move on quicker. But is my more subtle approach just coming across as false, like I am just not taking the situation and what she wants seriously.

I think you'll be surprised what the 'full on DB approach is'. It's more about giving your spouse space to figure their stuff out and taking that time to work on you. It's you becoming a better person. It's about if the spouse decides to change their mind you are in a much better place than you were pre-BD to make a new, healthier M.

Also wedding rings. W does not wear hers. I am wearing mine. Should this be taken off to make her realise I am taking this seriously.

Likely get a lot of different opinions on this one. I took mine off right away because my W took off hers and I didn't want to put pressure on her as some suggested. Guess what, I wasn't ready to take off my ring and I regretted it because no good way to just start wearing it again. Ask yourself, are you ready to take off your ring?

I wish I could stop thinking about it. 24 hours, even my dreams. I am trying not to panic, trying to be patient - but every day seems like an up hill struggle with the occasional fall and starting at the bottom again.

Well you're in the right place because every single person on these boards knows the feeling. Best advice here is to get out and stay busy (GAL). Find a new hobby, go to the gym etc... Anything to keep busy so you don't think about it too much.

[findingself]

I just hit five weeks on Sunday...seems familiar...I have also made mistakes...trying to learn and change...I pushed H too quick to talk about marriage on the 10th panic set in and he did not come to visit S this past weekend and told me I could say whatever I wanted but it was too late...

Do I fully believe him now...no...did it shock me and make me go crazy for the weekend...yup...contacted SIL and his friend right away...bad idea...thougth he said contact SIL...last night at 2 am I reread my list of do and don't and checked of a lot of don'ts that I have done since H left...no wonder I am where I am...doing it all wrong...

Now trying to be strong...rereading stuff and refocusing...that is the only thing we can do at times...

My H has moved out, he also took his ring off a long time ago, I look at it as H trying to convince himself he is right with the decision, I took my off this weekend, but plan to wear when H is around...my symbol that I am in this marriage til the end, I don't want a D.

But it is a personal choice...as for thinking about it all the time...yup consuming unless something else is consuming me...I just look for little steps on my part such as not crying during the day...or having time with my S, or getting out of the house.

Control is my issue to that I am trying to do 180's with...also that I always can first in the relationship...not H, my needs were always suppose to be met, by me and H and if they were not I was unhappy...180's are hard because they do not come quick and spouses don't believe them at first.

Hey what do we have to lose...we just need to keep trying and doing the hard work...

I also apologized for all the errors they don't care, they then turn it to why didn't you change sooner...anything we say does not matter till they are ready to hear and talk about it...right now space is the key...

Good luck keep posting you are on mediation and will take some time till your posts show up quicker...

Best of luck hold it together, stay calm, don't push, don't push...give space!!!