First Timer

[wolverine1997]

Well, today should be interesting. Today is our 22 anniversary. I just got back home from taking care of some business. The wife and kids are gone. We are supposed to take my son clothes shopping today. So I am curious as to what type of mood she will be in. I will have to play everything by ear. Since we have been in this downward spiral over the last few years I have only given her a card on our anniversary. I bougt a card but don't know if I should give it to her. I'll see how things go.

[Mach1]

Soooo...


Why does she get to dictate how YOUR day goes ???


The card ?

Eh...

Do what you want to do with it, just cut back on the mushy, I will Love you forever, regardless of how crappy you treat me stuff...

Something simple, such as ??

It is still worth remembering

If you feel you must....

So get out, and DO something for yourself. Doesn't make a lot of sense to sit around, and wait to see how you get treated, so that you know how to react to her BS.

It's kinda like waiting for your own execution, and then having to tell them to "Pull the Red handle down !!! "

[wolverine1997]

You are so right. But it is hard to get out of the mindset. I guess I still do it because I really value the sanctity of marriage and I think that every year is a milestone to be recognized. I don't expect anything from her, I think that I do it for me.

[Mach1]

You are so right. But it is hard to get out of the mindset. I guess I still do it because I really value the sanctity of marriage and I think that every year is a milestone to be recognized. I don't expect anything from her, I think that I do it for me.

Sigh....

But....

But ???


I can tell you this...

Every time I see the word "but" , I tend to discount everything that precedes it.

I see it as an excuse to not do better.

I would quit smoking, BUT, they still make cigarettes...

If you think in terms of excuses, you allow yourself to live in terms of excuses...


And this in no way de-values how hard what you are going through is.

And I think that you are making it harder on yourself because of "buts" in your thinking

Yea, it's hard to do, hence the "fake it till you make it" mantra incorporated in DB principals.

Make sense ????


Let me try this for you....

You are so right. But it is hard to get out of the mindset. I guess I still do it because I really value the sanctity of marriage and I think that every year is a milestone to be recognized. I don't expect anything from her, I think that I do it for me.

OR

You are so right. But it is hard to get out of the mindset. I guess I still do it because I really value the sanctity of marriage and I think that every year is a milestone to be recognized. I don't expect anything from her, I think that I do it for me.

Which one supports where you want to go ??

[wolverine1997]

Everytime I think that I am getting this I see how far I still need to go. But posts like this really help to focus. Thanks. I really appreciate all of your help.

Well I decided not to give her the card. She hasn't mentioned our anniversary so I guess I won't either.

We went to lunch and shopping as a family. Spent most of the day together. She didn't talk to much and I didn't pressure her to do so. Tried to keep it light but friendly. The day overall went ok. I kept trying to do a 180 in my approach. Gotta keep going one day at a time.

[wolverine1997]

Pretty uneventful day. Mother-in-law came over for brunch. She mentioned that yesterday was our anniversary with no response from wife. Wife has been quite and distant all day. We haven't talked much today. Had good time with mother-in-law though. Overall it was an ok day, so far.

[wolverine1997]

Spent time together as a family today. Wife and I took daughter to doctor's appointment and then went out to late lunch. She is spending more time with me but usually doesn't talk much when we are together. I am usually trying to carry a conversation on my own. I have continued to apply 180 but will have to re-evaluate my goals. I know that I will have to continue to be patient, but will have to set some easier goals to attain. I do think some progress is being made though. I'm really hoping that our trip together to autism conference will yield some results. Will keep looking for things to 180 and inprove on.

[wolverine1997]

Supposed to go to counseling alone on Thursday. Trying to decide if I really want to go. I am not sure that I will get much out of it and I don't really feel comfortable going alone. I'll have to see how I feel about it over the next couple of days. If I do go, I don't think that I should talk to my wife about it at all when I get home. I know that the counseling is for me but I not sure that i will benefit to much. We shall see.

[MrBond]

Trust me, you will benefit from it. As long as it helps to clear your head, it's worth it.

[KarenR]

If you haven't talked to a DB coach, I suggest that you take advantage of their expertise in situations like yours. You also could do this alone, but it would be about how to react and interact with your wife in a way will help to get through to her in a way that is more likely to bring her closer. You will feel much better and more in control of the situation with a coach directing you. Please call and I would be happy to answer any questions.