Hey old friend, just stopping by to say "hi" and hoping you're not too down. Looks like you've been through another tough round. I wish only happiness for you.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hi, just a quick update. Thanks to those of you that have checked in on me. I've been busy and haven't been able to spend any time on the board and I've really missed checking in with many of you that I've followed for some time. I hope to have a little time this weekend to catch up with some of you.
Since last I posted, I've gone and gotten myself a full-time job outside of the house (plus my old job which had become part-time, plus still going to school.) I also have a 93yo gma that I love dearly that has been placed in hospice care, and I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible before her illness robs her of her faculties first, and then life itself. And of course, DS13 is always involved in something, to which I try to tag along as much as possible.
The busy-ness has been a blessing and a curse for me, as it's taken my focus off of my R with H. So while I'm no longer consumed with trying to make it better, I find I just don't really care that much about it anymore and find myself investing in other people/things instead. With the limited spare time I have remaining, the last thing I want to do is engage with H. And though I haven't done anything untoward at work or school, I can definitely understand how A's happen. When you spend a bunch of time with someone else, someone that treats you with respect and courtesy, and then only have a small amount of time each week to spend with a S who doesn't treat you well, I don't know how an A can be avoided. Even if you don't physically connect, I can see the mental/emotional connection happening without even trying. And when the heart and mind are invested elsewhere, what's left? So while I think it's really unfortunate and sad, I'm also feeling like it's just inevitable. And that goes for either one of us, as I realize it's just as likely if not moreso for H.
Ironically, while I have a busier schedule, I'm finding that I'm more effective in the time that I do have than I was when I had more of it. Sort of a matter of necessity, I guess. I'm finding the "me" that I used to be before getting caught up in the workings of a bad M. Several factors have contributed, I'm sure. The job search was quite flattering, with two interviews and two offers in the first week of putting my resume out. The respect I receive from my co-workers is wonderful. And of course the paycheck! Even the drive to work is enjoyable. While working from home had its benefits, the isolation for me had become a very bad thing. Getting out of the house and back into a corporate office environment has probably been the best thing for me as a person. And will probably turn out to be the worst thing for my M. But if that's the case, so be it; I'd rather sacrifice my M than lose me again.
Nice to hear from you CV, and glad you are finding happiness in all you have going on.
Yes, the A dynamic is no mystery. Chris Rock said "A man is only as faithful as his options" which I think can apply equally to men and women if they are dissatisfied with their marriage.
Ideally the best path is either fix your marriage or get out of it before starting with someone new, but that's a scary prospect that involves lots of fear and risk, so it seems an OP on the side is just so much easier, particularly since it often starts very innocently.
That said, I think these side relationships that can seem wonderful at first inevitably come with a large helping of guilt and misery and probably usually end up that way too.
All stuff I'm sure you know -- good to hear from you.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Hey Acc! Glad to hear from you! I went to check on you, but it seems you're so good about posting to others and haven't had your own thread in a while. I went with "no news is good news." I hope that's true in your case anyway.
I know what you mean about A's being ugly. I'm not sure anyone advises them, even less actually plan them. I think they're like middle-age spread -- you have to make a concerted effort to prevent it from happening. Otherwise, sitting on your laurels thinking it will never happen to you is the next-best-thing to a guarantee that it will. It's unfortunate that they don't all turn out bad like you indicated. That might help to squelch the illusion for some.
