My h of 14 years together, 9 years married, told me on the 10th of this month that he was not happy, placing all blame on me that he wanted a divorce. I in turn could not believe we were having this conversation as at that time we were trying to have another child. H informed me he had not been happy for 3-4 years and blamed it all on me. We have a 17 month old son. H works away a great deal of the time mon-fri. I do not doubt that we were having issues surrounding my resentment of feeling like a single parent most of the time. Also stressed about having a sexless marriage (wish I had found that book sooner). H kept track and we had sex 7 times in teh fifteen months after s birth. I love my husband a great deal, this is not the man he is or the man I married, I am in ic at this time and have gone twice. I read all of dr yesterday and am on my path, I think I was getting to this pth already. My question at this time was that I cleaned outhe cupboards and frig because h is coming to take out trash on Saturday during visit and I set aside items for h, is this a good idea or not. He is out of the home bounching from hotel room to room, I don't think he is with ow at this time but I do think he is having a mid-life crisis. He was calling me the day before he told me he wanted a divorce to ask if I needed anything at the store, a month a go trying to have a baby and the weekend before helped me at my parents house. THen he decides he is done, life is too short, his mother is sick, he bought a new truck, might be going to see an attorney, told no one and spoke with two strangers about iut, has yet to tell his fam. My h is not this man he is fair reasonable and caring. Will not consider counsleling at this time and has not made one comment of his fault in it all. the first day I begged aI am done with that now, no longer hold his hadnd or trying to make life easier for him. I need to get my life in order for myself. And make me desirable to him. Advice and support is needed now.
My h of 14 years together, 9 years married, told me on the 10th of this month that he was not happy, placing all blame on me that he wanted a divorce.
So sorry. This is one of the worst things imaginable to hear.
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I in turn could not believe we were having this conversation as at that time we were trying to have another child. H informed me he had not been happy for 3-4 years and blamed it all on me. We have a 17 month old son. H works away a great deal of the time mon-fri. I do not doubt that we were having issues surrounding my resentment of feeling like a single parent most of the time. Also stressed about having a sexless marriage (wish I had found that book sooner). H kept track and we had sex 7 times in teh fifteen months after s birth.
It's amazing how you think your marriage can survive even though people tell you they're warning signs, and then all of a sudden you realize they really were warning signs. It sounds like H couldn't communicate to you what might have been making him unhappy so he just didn't say, and tried to bury it until it exploded. That's kind of what my H did.
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I love my husband a great deal, this is not the man he is or the man I married, I am in ic at this time and have gone twice. I read all of dr yesterday and am on my path, I think I was getting to this pth already.
That's good. What resonated in DR for you? What matched the path you were on? Can you believe that you will be OK no matter what? This is a horrible way to possibly get a chance at having a better life and better relationships.
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My question at this time was that I cleaned outhe cupboards and frig because h is coming to take out trash on Saturday during visit and I set aside items for h, is this a good idea or not.
It sounds like a nice thing to do.
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He is out of the home bounching from hotel room to room, I don't think he is with ow at this time but I do think he is having a mid-life crisis. He was calling me the day before he told me he wanted a divorce to ask if I needed anything at the store, a month a go trying to have a baby and the weekend before helped me at my parents house. THen he decides he is done, life is too short, his mother is sick, he bought a new truck, might be going to see an attorney, told no one and spoke with two strangers about iut, has yet to tell his fam. My h is not this man he is fair reasonable and caring.
Does sound like a MLC, but be careful not to overlook things that need to be repaired in your relationship. If it's just an "alien abduction" then you have no power to change or grow from the experience. Usually there's something you can learn about yourself.
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Will not consider counsleling at this time and has not made one comment of his fault in it all.
Way too soon for him to admit fault, he's still in justifying mode. Don't expect it or be hurt that it isn't forthcoming. And counseling at this point is often just "checking the box" to show he tried; if he doesn't attend with full desire to work on the marriage it's not going to help anyway.
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the first day I begged aI am done with that now, no longer hold his hadnd or trying to make life easier for him. I need to get my life in order for myself. And make me desirable to him. Advice and support is needed now.
You're starting out pretty well, not begging and taking a step back. Take care of yourself as much as possible, and try to appear as if you will be just fine. The alternative does NOT bring them back, but feeling the loss might possibly. A WAS needs space to stop justifying what they're doing and start absorbing what they have done. Become detached, so you are content no matter what he does, and keep the road home paved and smooth by not antagonizing or punishing. Good luck, and keep journaling here. The more you post the sooner you get off moderation.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sorry her are here. Adinva gave you wonderful suggestions. Keep posting in this thread often so you can get off moderation.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Yes, thank you for the good advice...I know I need to stay on one post, just took a long time so I thought I would try it again. Hit two weeks yesterday. H has been late both Saturdays by 5 1/2 hours for both visits. I had previously called him to find out where he was, and asked him to send message on fb, he has only been on time to 2 out of 7 visits/phone calls. This Saturday I did not stay around, I did not call him, I had planned an outing with my sister, nothing to detailed but just to get out of the house and pretend all is okay. Well H finally called 3 1/3 hours after he was to be to the house, I waited another hour to call him back and inform him S was at my mothers and he would have to get him there because I was not available.
Lets just say H did not like this but knew he had to go there, he intitially said he would say something to my parents but never did. H tried to get me to bite about the conversation he had with his sister, the first family member he has spoken with about the whole thing. But I just said it must have been a hard conversation to have and left it at that...he did not add more. He tried again that night to get me to bite by saying he and S slept in the car in the drive because S was asleep and H was really tired, I did not ask why he was tired...was proud of myself.
H asked why I had changed the cat litter brand told him it was easier for me to handel the changing of the litter...seems he noticed . Little things right!
H did not say anything about the frig or the bag of food I had set aside for him but he did take it.
H has informed me that he is to visit his son tonight and then will be gone all week and next weekend snowmobiling and then does not know when he will be visiting after that. I did ask for him to watch s overnight in two weeks which will be our one month mark.
This is my 180, I would have never let H watch breastfeeding s overnight alone, he had asked last week about it and told him I did not feel right about it yet, did not want to mess with s sleeping arrangement already. Then reflecting I thought this would show him trust and that he could handel it and that I was doing something for myself.
Have also been reading self help books on happy women, not sweating the small stuff ect., planning on going to weight watchers starting this week, planning a party at my house for the 24th of March, which his birthday is the 22nd. That is a question, typically I would give him a card from s, should I still do that, should there be a gift, he is only 17 months old?
Also trying to get out and do things with non-family members...
Did have one big slip up which I wish I could so take back now!! H had mentioned that his sister and I could talk about things, I sent a fb message and she has not sent anything back yet...wish I could take this back but all I can do is learn from it and move on.
In IC I plan on addressing that I only want to talk about marriage for 1/2 time the rest work on me. I understand I am/was controlling, resentful and lack self esteem and need to work on these things no matter what.
I have also stopped bugging H about counseling, I had previously mentioned, per his request to speak with IC about other IC he could work with. H knows I did this but I am not informing him, he can ask if he would like.
H did mention going to see an attorney, just to get info, but he has said nothing yet about this.
I plan on going upstairs to read etc when he comes tonight and let him know to have a fun weekend snowmobiling, I had told him in the last few months to go and do this with my family but he had not, did not go all of last year either. Funny how when he saw I had gone on Saturday he informed me on Sunday he was planning on going.
I would do anything to have him back but realize we both have to work on issues in the marriage...I do like the comment people make about not fixing the current marriage but starting a new one. If we get to a point to talk about that again, I may mention this to him...when timing is right, trying hard not to push...
This is all soooo against everything I want to do...need to get my hands on the Sex-Starved Marriage too...tried to get it the other day and store did not have it.
So H came for a visit, was suppose to be at 5pm today, called and asked if h could come earlier because work schedule changed. I agreed but asked h to give me an extra 15 minutes then what he wanted, ended up being an extra 1/2 hour. But it was the weirdest visit so far.
The visit was extremely pleasant, h was talkative, initiating conversation, telling me things, fixed the tv for me when I asked, just all together chattie with me. This is very different that the man that was at my house the evening before. Maybe it was reaction to him going snowmobiling or lack of. I told him have a great time, have fun etc. Could have been the fb message to his sister, I don't know very weird!
I know only believe 50% of what you see or hear, but it seemed like he was actually trying to get close to me. This is the man that a week ago told me he never saw us ever together again, but then was two inches from touch my foot and very close to me when saying good bye to s, thought I was holding s out.
I assisted with finding his items for his trip...was pleasant and in other rooms at times and other floors of the house at other times. He even tried to have conversations with me when in separate rooms.
H even discussed putting up a mailbox, something that I had asked a great deal about because I hate getting the mail from post office which he did for me on Saturday.
I don't know what to think, he will be gone for over a week now and then don't know when he will visit next week at this time.
I guess that will leave me time to get it together and figure it out some what before then.
The visit was extremely pleasant, h was talkative, initiating conversation, telling me things, fixed the tv for me when I asked, just all together chattie with me. This is very different that the man that was at my house the evening before. Maybe it was reaction to him going snowmobiling or lack of. I told him have a great time, have fun etc. Could have been the fb message to his sister, I don't know very weird!
It's the pursuit/ distance dynamic. He'll pursue and then if you show interest then he'll go back to distancing. He's taking your temperature. Try not to react too strongly when he pursues, just maintain your distance.
I'm not convinced your H is MLC. The lack of sex is a HUGE deal-breaker for most men. As infrequent as the sex was, he probably felt unloved and developed low self esteem. If his primary love language (read the 5 Love Languages if you haven't already) is probably Physical Touch as it is for most men. If it is, then the lack of sex made him feel completely unloved. If he does show interest in reconciling then this is something that's going to need to be addressed early on. Talk to your doctor and your IC and explain the infrequent love-making to them and try to figure out what the issue is. Could be something mental (like post-partum depression) or physical (hormonal issues) that needs to be addressed.
We definitely had issue with sex in the marriage and lack of...we have a young child, but we had issues before this.
Today I ordered Sex Starved Marriage of the internet could not find it locally. I can't wait to get it after reading the first chapter online.
I did speak with my doctor who told me they would not run tests because there are so many other issues going on mentally, she says that with my system running normally I most likely do not have a hormonal issues. I am breastfeeding and have been doing to for 17 months and will be still for a few more.
I also passed along the book to H I don't know if he has it yet or not. H looked at it as my issue to deal with in the past that h had tried it all and it was me that was the issue. I did try going on low hormone bc pills in the past with little help, this has been an issue for very long and I do agree that something needs to change.
I did tell h that I also do not feel it is right the amount of times we do have sex.
Doctor gave me info on a location that focused with couples on sex/marriage counseling, mentioned it to h early on but he did not ask and info.
I have not brought it up since.
I did do the 5LL test and my lowest was physical touching (I do know this is H's highest with out him even taking the test), mine was affirmation, which is so true and also a lot of our issues....I do not get this need met and H does not get his needs met so neither win and we end up where we are.
I did order this book too...along with the one on apologizing...
So what if H does try to be physical...
Also thinking of another 180...there has always been stress around unfinished projects around the house. H works crazy amount of hours and is away a lot and does not want to do these things on weekend though he does not hire someone else to do them either.
Thinking of hiring non-family members and doing some of the things myself to check them off the list...ideas on this?
Also thinking of another 180...there has always been stress around unfinished projects around the house. H works crazy amount of hours and is away a lot and does not want to do these things on weekend though he does not hire someone else to do them either.
Thinking of hiring non-family members and doing some of the things myself to check them off the list...ideas on this?
So need advice on these two things along with ...
Do I buy a gift from 17 month old s for H's birthday...typiocally do..
. Little things right!