Confused compass?

[JJAC2005]

Look…I know I’m newbie
I have been divorced now just over 5 months, and we basically stopped seeing each other 4 months ago. We were married 7 years, and her kids were 5 and 8 when we wed, 12 and 15 when we divorced. I was close with each, but particularly the boy, as we shared a lot of adventures.
I never wanted to be divorced…and can honestly say that it has been the worst experience I can ever remember going thru. I always felt like I was the one in our relationship to look for a way to ”fix it”, whether it was a self help book or promoting counseling.
I was doing some self reflective research on various behaviors that I felt contributed greatly to my divorce and then stumbled on a group of articles on Psychology Today about Marry, Divorce, Reconcile "One woman's path to joy in a reclaimed marriage"
by Rachel Clark.
All the information had my undivided attention as I slowly became overtaken in a desire to know more and more.....purchasing all the recommended readings, exploring other related articles.

Now…I am at that part in the road where I am looking for promising results or success stories on getting your wife/husband back after divorce.

I’m sort of confused, as I wanted a bit more direction to achieving my end goal of reuniting with my wife……and since we are not talking, we don’t share any children, just a couple of dogs that she gave me to care for and basically hasn’t even asked about since saying good bye, she has refused to let the kids see or talk to me at this point (2012 was worst Christmas ever), I am finding it hard to see where I will even stand a chance to start again.
Anyone care to get me on the right mind set?

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
This is the right place to be.
You will get to the right place again.
This part is in YOUR control.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[AnotherStander]

Now…I am at that part in the road where I am looking for promising results or success stories on getting your wife/husband back after divorce.

There are a lot of success stories on these forums although I'm not really sure how many of them involve getting back together after divorce. Some people here say "divorce is only a piece of paper" which really is true. Really the bomb drop is more of a divorce than the actual paperwork. Anyway, here are links:

Another Divorce Busted!

Sticky in MLC:

MLC Successes/Cinders list of Restored Marriages

Bootcamp threads:

Successful Women

Successful Men

Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there are enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.

I’m sort of confused, as I wanted a bit more direction to achieving my end goal of reuniting with my wife……and since we are not talking, we don’t share any children, (snip)

A good friend of mine separated from his W and they barely spoke for a year. Then they started talking again, and slowly started seeing each other until a full 2 years after S they started talking about reconciling. So if you're not talking that does not mean it's over yet. It's over when you choose for it to be over.

[JJAC2005]

That was easy enough to understand....lol
The "it aint over till its over" type of comment...
And I know that stranger things have happened in life...so you really cant ever say never.
However, if the other person has moved on from the old relationship and has made a new life for themselves that doesn't include me, or even want a small piece of me in her life, its a little hard to wrap my brain around how my efforts might turn things around.
I guess we will just have to wait and see....as the one thing I have read over and over as well as seen in post after post....its all about patience!
I know we want what we want, and we wanted it yesterday...and at times we miss what we had so badly that our pain tells us if we could just go back we would in a heart beat, but it wouldn't be back in the way that either need it to be.
Getting a life, taking exceptional care of yourself, as well as being a happy person again is primary to making yourself look better and better for that possible second look.

[JJAC2005]

with regards to attempting to make any future contact.
I just sent her a short letter the other day in which I basically summed up in 3 paragraphs;
1. Apology for the wrongs I am responsible for, and the pain in which it caused her.
2. Where I am now as a result of our divorce and what it is teaching me about marriage, relationships, and being a better person. How everything that has happened has me in a place of incredible growth and learning .
3. Letting her know that I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life and I am now on my way to moving on, and despite the outcome of once was, I still see a worthwhile value in maintaining some sort of friendly and respectful relationship in the future.

Does anyone have any advice for how long to wait for a reply before asking about (or for that matter how to ask about) the kids and seeing if there is any change in her position on keeping them from seeing or contacting me??

[JJAC2005]

One more thing I wanted feedback on.
When it comes to GAL....I am continuing to rebuild in so many areas of my life, with a new direction in a couple business ventures, hobbies, educational goals, and even plans for building a new house this coming Spring/Summer. Working out, doing my yoga, joining a new church.....
I am really trying to learn the lessons of detachment, however it seems that with every little plan and adjustment I make, somewhere in some way, I still hold a place for my wife to join me....is this an odd type of thought or natural?
Like last weekend I went out with a really great group of people, we all had a great time, and at the end of the evening, a lady friend of mine asked me to come in for a beer when we had gotten back to her place as I was dropping her off. I didnt think anything of it, and went in enjoyed some more conversation, helped her build a fire in the fire place, watched a bit of TV and out of the blue she makes a pass at me. I told her that I was flattered, but wasn't there at all on that level with her or anyone in the near future.....I honestly was really bothered and it was like I was feeling guilty, like I was cheating...and here I have been divorced for 5 months.
So, even with getting a life...getting fit and healthy...getting out with friends, seeing all sorts of positives starting to happen in my new life....I still cant seem to escape this daily reminder that I want to be with someone else that has walked away.

[LBH_LC]

I know exactly what you mean, JJAC2005. I still catch myself looking at her empty seat in the car.

[AnotherStander]

Does anyone have any advice for how long to wait for a reply before asking about (or for that matter how to ask about) the kids and seeing if there is any change in her position on keeping them from seeing or contacting me??

I don't see any reference in the letter to the kids? Specifically to the letter, do not ever ask about it or mention it or expect any kind of acknowledgement or reply. You sent it, she knows your position, leave it at that.

Regarding the kids, do you have no visitation? Was this negotiated in the divorce?

One more thing I wanted feedback on.
When it comes to GAL....I am continuing to rebuild in so many areas of my life, with a new direction in a couple business ventures, hobbies, educational goals, and even plans for building a new house this coming Spring/Summer. Working out, doing my yoga, joining a new church.....

Fantastic, keep it up!!

out of the blue she makes a pass at me. I told her that I was flattered, but wasn't there at all on that level with her or anyone in the near future.....I honestly was really bothered and it was like I was feeling guilty, like I was cheating...and here I have been divorced for 5 months.

Actually that is not unusual. You'll know when you're ready. If you're not ready yet then don't sweat it. The timeline is different for different people. Some move on right away and others need a year or more. There's no hurry.

[Rick1963]

"I still cant seem to escape this daily reminder that I want to be with someone else that has walked away."

We always want what we can't have....It will take time for you to stop missing her. It is a process that is different for everyone. When you stop focusing on her, things will get easier.

"I just sent her a short letter the other day in which I basically summed up in 3 paragraphs;
1. Apology for the wrongs I am responsible for, and the pain in which it caused her.
2. Where I am now as a result of our divorce and what it is teaching me about marriage, relationships, and being a better person. How everything that has happened has me in a place of incredible growth and learning .
3. Letting her know that I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life and I am now on my way to moving on, and despite the outcome of once was, I still see a worthwhile value in maintaining some sort of friendly and respectful relationship in the future"

Please run this kind of stuff^^^^ here 1st. Reaching/writting/emails/texts to her is persuing which pushes her away. You can't write your way out of something you acted your way into. Actions my friend.......

[JJAC2005]

kids are hers from previous....I have always enjoyed a great relationship with them and they have always called me "dad".
The day that we told them we were going to no longer be together, we told the kids that they could always contact me if they needed or wanted for any reason.
Since D day, she pulled that connection....and has refused to let them contact me anymore.

As to the letter that was just sent...I ran it by Jody my coach before hand...it was approved for sending.