What I'm learning from H stages, myself!

[albamarie]

Time for a new thread!

Where I came from.....http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=newpost&Board=

Nero you even saying this to yourself is big - "YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HERE WITH ME- SO DON'T TELL ME HOW TO ARRANGE MY STINKING CABINETS"!

Its good because your standing up for your self, but you don't feel the need to put it in his face. Keep it up!

Today is a good day...h is involving himself a little with family doings like chores and things were concerned about. He has made efforts to talk to me, bring me toast w/honey, and cleaned out the garage for my car.

He wanted me to back it in to which I said I would rather not but he said it would be better. I still don't think so but I did it, he said thank you and I went in the house feeling like I'm going to show him by example how to act. Whether he gets it or not is his issue.

I will make sure that when I make those decisions to "do things his way" its out of compromise and not out of obedience against myself. Picking my battles here!

[albamarie]

Monday morning and I just got a kiss on the cheek good-by from my alien. Was it the alien, was it a tiny glimmer of my H, was it the new guy who is a combination of both, I don't know but it felt odd.

Yesterday H was "involved" a little with small questions and interest about the kids, especially D19 and her new bf. He started all the kids cars and arranged them so the salt truck wouldn't dump on them, and set the garbage at the curb.

I made family dinner and while we sat laughing after eating h finally came in and made a plate. He actually sat at the table and joined in on the trivia quest. my S21 was throwing at us. There was a point were h looked at me, he looked right into my eyes, and stayed there like he used to when he was thinking and pulling me in for help.

I was thinking how it didn't look cold and dark in his eyes, but it looked and felt uncomfortable, they look sad even yellowish, without any depth, almost old. H always had very youthful eyes, he would look at me inquisitively, eagerly for answers, filled with fun and love.

He compliment dinner several times and cleaned up the counters. Then he took a shower, arranged some clothes for the morning, cleaned the living room, while the whole time still making small talk with me or S's & D.

At bed time we all went our ways, I was in my room settling down with a movie and H comes in-puts his drink on his nightstand, asks me if I'm watching anything good. He asks me if I mind as he grabs the corner of the blanket on his side of the bed, I motion nicely to go ahead and he gets in making sure not to disturb me.

By this time I'm thinking who are you, it's always a mystery who I am talking to, I should never have watched Sybille as a kid. He falls asleep almost immediately warm, clean, fed, and in a bed, he slept all night without getting up and becoming a vampire lurking around the house.

So, he gets up with the alarm, makes coffee, no cursing, no thumbing, just the weather channel and packing his tools. He comes in my room, apologizes that he needs the lamp on, and when I sit up talks to me again. Pleasantly, optimistically, and full of hope for some new clients, he's talking to me as if were friendly, then he crawled on the bed for that kiss.

Who, what was that? I hold no hope he'll come home that way, take every encounter as they come, no expectation. It will be interesting to see where he goes with this. I would like friendly terms, I would like to be done with the worst part of MLC.

I don't feel for the M though, I think more about having a good R as family, I don't see him as my H anymore. This did start out as a defense mechanism for me and now it has become truth, I don't think I can live him as a S.

We have not told him about becoming a GP, so that is what I will place my hopes on right now as far as him sticking with some sort of human like traits. If we can get past that and move even a little forward toward him treating us with respect I will take it!

[albamarie]

I felt really good all day today knowing that I am emotionally better as far as my M. Now comes the hard work, I have to get started on myself here alot more. Moving forward will only happen if I get off my a$$ and make it happen.

This is where I really need strength, and confidence, the two things I feel are the hardest for me to muster up. Now that I feel more confident I can/want to live life without h I'm hoping this will follow.

If he were to make a 180 he would have to be better than the H I ever had to deserve me, so I have to be better than the old me to go out there and GAL. Why is this so hard? What is a pollyanna - nero, anyone?

[albamarie]

Journaling:
My H came home this morning to my bdroom door closed. I have never done that before, but I went to bed feeling that everyday he makes my decision easier to no longer want him in my life.

I have really been holding on to the last straw here, the last reason to not give up hope. I have been considering family ties and a long history as my last ditch effort to convince myself he's worth it, it's not working!

The spew out of his mouth over the last 2yrs has actually worked against him tainting even that long history. Not everything he spewed was accurate, but there is always some truth in what he says. Not only that, he has already (with his big mouth) began/tried to sabotage the future.

The sitch w/ea is as volatile as ever threats at H work, threats on H vm, name calling, hatred, and as he tolerates that and holds on to the need for that he is completely taking away any chance for me to even consider trying. He called her his friend last wk, I said good for you, because that's more than we are, we are nothing to each other!

It rocked him, but he is not moved. I see that he may be trying to peek out from that tunnel, only I see that he is bring the alien w/him as his new character. Hiding behind that guy may be the only way he can function w/o ending up on the couch for 3 days. Real change will only come with meds for that dep monster then maybe the alien can retreat back.

Regardless, it's what I want! Again, I have my own insecurities to work out!

[nero]

hi dawn -'

sounds like a bit of an "upswing" in yoru land. good luck with that. smart you to not get all hopes up.

I will make sure that when I make those decisions to "do things his way" its out of compromise and not out of obedience against myself. Picking my battles here!
___________________

i'm trying too. it's hard sometimes- i read and reread the part in the book about how unjust, etc. oh well huh?

wow to rest of your other post. wtf? perhaps the pod has been removed from under the spare bed and your hot-h is back? or wait- your real h is back? tread very lightly here i'd think.

i had a little up evening a few nites ago- we were sitting on couch watching tv as usual or as in olden days- he was fiddling around with my hair- casual- but touching some part of this awful - leprosy self of mine- who knows?

something is wonky with this page- i cannot look at your post to comment- i have to send this and go find it again- oiy

[nero]

oh mannnn -

pollyanna was an old old old movie from the fifties about- with hayley mills in it- she was a TERMINALLY good natured and upbead and "lookin on the brite" side kid stuck with a cruddy, crabby old aunt -

somewhere along the line she gets injured - and of course aunt and everyone in the town miss her and wish her well- what a surprise- she recuperates and everyone is wonderful in the end.

ta da-

ya had to be there- upbeat til you die of it or something like tht.

you are i think my dear - oh well, could be worse....

[nero]

hi again- found other post=

i do not have freedome to mull this over and reply at leaisure. will do that tho- so, what is your theory of what the heck is going on with h?

i'm curious like mad. i have no real hope in particular that anything has changed here- just notice he's less likely to avoid me like the plague- but still acts like i've got cooties. oh well- no war- no gunplay- no screamers- i'll take it.

going to go back to fla in couple days- don't even ask. i don't even know why i do it- want to see kids- baby fix i guess is primary motivation. keeping a foot in that life? he doesn't resist so i do it-

wish me luck- i'm flyin blind as usual. i hope your h continues to be "normal" wouldn't it be really nice if you had a little miracle there?

fingers crossed (see what i mean about this stinkin pollyanna stuff? it just pops out of my stupid head like crazy- i gotta grow up.

f4iend just called that his daughter died in a car crash last nite- oh my god- she'was only 30 - had had some drug problems but was on the mend - it's so sad i don't know what to do with my brain. i cannot imagine- howlife altering and for what???? geeez grief stinks and tragedty

oh well- it's on my mind alot - can't shake it- the feeling we only live once and for such a short time-

oh well- back when ic an - goodluck dearie.

[albamarie]

Funny thing just happened.

I see that he may be trying to peek out from that tunnel, only I see that he is bring the alien w/him as his new character

My not-h just said to me (as I sat quiet) that he is heading toward acceptance! Acceptance, with all the blah blah spew that this is his life. He said if/when he reaches that point he is going to be more rebellious and I will not like him even more for what he will do because he will be hating himself for do it.

So was I right...he will be bringing the alien character w/him and that's the new forever him. Or, is he scared, worried, seeing that he has not made any changes and even has to face the damage he's created? I thinks it's a combination of everything.

Then he says he doesn't care...and says but your the one who's complaining your lonely. I had to talk...I said "no you don't, I have not said anything to you about my life in about 2 months now, your projecting. He said in the past...I said you don't know me today, by your choice, or anything about my life! He agreed!

He tried another approach to win and said well, I shouldn't speak here in this house, haven't I kept to myself? I said yes, as well as I have been keeping to myself! If you don't want to speak here that's fine, but don't you dare think life in this house has not continued, as life does every single day! He agreed!

Do I continue how I have been...I don't really want to talk to him anymore, but he seems to be injecting himself into our conversations a little more everyday. He is even watching as we speak to each other, and now trying to talk about some of the things he has left behind since MLC that are still there waiting for him, like lots of carpentry work.

I feel as if I am headed into a new phase and am afraid of what to come!

[nero]

hi and don't be afraid.

i may be also (one or 2 tiny tiny glimmer) IF SOMETHING IS CHANGING or has changbed- if something we don't like is shoved on us B IG TIME_ - i'm telling myself anything tht is "forward" in any way, shape or form - is just that- something movng forward.

if (and we both agree and think) our past is over and never to be reclaimed as it was - then, what choice do we have but6 move forward to whatevr it brings??? if these not-h's are going to bring something new, or something we hate- it will impel us to do something, be something, whatever it makes us react to and how we react- it will, somehow , imho - be "bettr" in some way than the confusion we feel as we languish in this no-man's land we're in every single day (and the pain it causes us).

ta da- i'm not tough by any means- but i'm a bit tougher than i was- and maybe a bit more philosophical (had enough sleep last nite) and on the way out the door tomorrow a.m. to fla, and wondering what new sitch it will bing- will they want to do it in my face while i watch? who the hell knows- could it be worse, Or what we know be worse? hard to imagine after the very first SHOCK of finding out this stuff our out best loved guys- i'd think we're almost unshockable. (well, if i find out he eats puppies maybe)

anyway- you get my drift. don't be afraid. be strong and continue. he's not able to let go, tht is someting i don't get about these guys - maybe they['re steeling themselves as we're doing. don't know- can we think it will be interesting to FINALLY find out where the chips fall??? somedays i think do it already- others i don't - i just don't know.

but wierdly - i'm not afraid too much. (daughter of friend (only 30) died in car crash yesterday. it's toooo young and tragic and for what? i'm aasking you? nothing. anyway- we're alive & sane and "on our way" somewhere- we can do it.

have faith - in what? God, you, ? yourkarma? somehow i think it will be okay with us- becaue of WHO WE ARE - not h's?!!!

xxoo

[albamarie]

Good Morning Nero- wow, what a change in your tone, you sound good.

if these not-h's are going to bring something new, or something we hate- it will impel us to do something, be something, whatever it makes us react to and how we react- it will, somehow , imho - be "bettr" in some way than the confusion

Your right it is better than confusion and being stifled. We have to be mobile, get going with our lives here not letting anything hold us back, especially them!

- will they want to do it in my face while i watch?

You have to stop assuming or even concerning yourself with that, remember there is no real commitment there either.

After all this time, plus his new revaluation that they got closer a few yrs back (when MLC started), he still is not moving any closer to a R w/op I wouldn't put much effort into it. Plus, don't forget those ea/a's are not what he/they are really runny toward, it's about him and they are being used as well.

Don't think about that so much that it takes away from what YOU have and are seeing from H. He still seems to have some dedications to you, take it if you want to one day come to some reconciliation w/him.

he's not able to let go, tht is someting i don't get about these guys -

Right, we are both in the same sitch were they haven't let go, unlike some very sad stories. I'm not saying lavish in it, but I guess it deserves something, not sure what!

I take as, financial security (though I am cautious), I think it's more for H that he doesn't leave, tie to the kids, secure and safe haven, no real place to go, is on a journey to know where, and at one point long ago, he said he wasn't leaving "me", but believe me I give that no weight.

I still am pretty sure I will not won't this R, and eventually this M. MLC spew, the A he did have 2yrs back, and the longevity of this mess has made me less tolerable to the person he was before MLC.

The "new him" may not be good enough for me, the "old him" isn't either, now! My capacity for tolerance has shrunk dramatically.

Sad really I could have lived the rest of my life happy w/h, gone into his retirement, and that phase of our lives with it's new life experiences, happy and secure in my L for him.

This will be his loss! I do plan on finding L again, and I know ''he'' will never find another like me!

Have a safe trip, Nero! Hope you write soon!