Well it's time for a new thread. I decided to title it "Making the most of where you are" because that is what we're all striving to do. Some are in different places in this journey. The beginning, middle, and I guess I would say "the other side". I don't want to call it "the end" because when we finally get to a place where we're happy, content, and over the majority of the heart ache, we're actually at a whole new beginning!
Folks, this personally has been a journey to hell and back for me. During the darkest times, the only thing that got me through was knowing I had to go on for my children. Even then I was so down I questioned if I was even worth sticking around for their sakes because I wasn't being the mom I used to be.
So if anyone reading this is in this spot, I understand. And I made it. You can and you will if you just decide NOT TO GIVE UP! It still won't be easy!
I think what helped me really get the process going was really getting in touch with my emotions over this whole ordeal. I personally was stuck in my own cognitive dissonance, of knowing better on one hand, yet completely devastated on the other. By pushing myself to really get in touch with my emotions, and understand why I was having them, it cleared the path to myself that I haven't been able to find in many years. You can do it too. I suggest REading Gary Zukav's books.
In all honesty, because Im in a good place now, Im feeling very nostaligic and missing my XH alot lately. I miss my friend, the laughter, the funny times, the funny stories, I mean we did have quite a ride together as a couple. I guess what saddens me is that will have to be stored in a very special memory box in my mind that I will cherish the rest of my life.
I still wish it could be different.
But what once was and what is now is completely different. And I know in my heart and soul, when XH isn't spewing in mental MLC, he remembers the good times too. I know he does.
Kimmerz, I really love to the title of your new thread.
Your posting was very heartfelt and you have come such a long way and endured so much. I'm very proud of you.
MGoBlue use to read and suggest Gary Zukav's books. His books help people to better understand themselves and the calmness and inner peace that comes from reading them is very good. I'm glad you've been reading them.
Kimmerz, your xh does remember all of the good times that you shared. One day, when he's crisis has mellowed out, he may very well bring up some of those goods times in conversations.
You are an inspiration to the forum and to those around you. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for your comments and encouragment. It means alot. Though we don't ever see eachother in person, I feel surrounded by many friends here, and that's priceless. It's nice to come to a place where you can be yourself and be supported and appreciated.
I am so tired... Lol, had to work some odd hours, and back to back resulting in sleep deprivation. I managed to get my tax return done tonight, it's so simple thankfully.
At any rate Im hoping to post when I have a few more braincells functioning about different places we are in our journey. I hope people post no matter where they are. Im going to think on some things that helped me get through the toughest times, which was the beginning.
ET hasn't phoned home in about 2-3 weeks. I've figured the pattern. ET will phone home consistently up until I give a decent response. When that happens, the phoning home comes to a dead stop for another few weeks and starts all over again. I find it comical that when ET is rather insistent on communucation and I give it, if I request communication back, I hear NOTHING. LOL... I find that funny now. It used to frustrate me alot, but then when I finally reached the point of 0 expectations and that I can't rely on him for anything, the desire to try and talk to him about the kids quickly went away.
Wow.... now that's a good place to be. 0 expectations! I think that's the hardest place to get is 0 expectations.
I love that you call him ET! ET did have one way communication with the mother ship. Very fitting.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
In light of making the most of where we are, I've been paying close attention to my feelings and trying to sort them out.
The past two weeks I've been compelled to send a probe to ET for some reason, yet i haven't. Im not sure why I've been compelled to send a probe, but I have been. So, making the most of where I am, Im investigating why I feel this way and thinking over how I would react, based on him responding or not responding.
And then another wonderful thing happened! If he doesn't respond, I won't be suprised nor offended, because I have 0 expectations of the man.
As I think about this, I guess I feel that ET in MLC sends me probes from time to time when he phones home. He seems to have his pattern, and I think I did a 180 on him by no responding at all. Then 3 very short 1 sentence emails in re: to the girls 3 weeks later.
I just sent an email to ET pertaining to 3 different things. 2 About the girls and 1 about his cousin's daughter needing a kidney transplant. I then closed it " hope you are doing well".
ET did take my advice from an email in regards to a situation with D10, but didn't directly tell me. I heard it through D10.
Kimmerz, I think what you are feeling is very normal. I use to feel the same way about the probe idea. I think we all think about it because we want to see where their mind is at and see if they have come back to earth.
He'll respond if it's something he's interested in, such as the girls or his family, but otherwise, he'll remain quiet. Also, as you noticed, he'll not tell you when he's taken your advice. Why? Because the advice was good and he doesn't want you to know he actually did something you suggested.
The desire to probe will be tempting for quite some time. Try not to allow the desire to overtake you. Only use the probe when necessary, i.e., such as advising him of your girls or financial issues.
Enjoy your day w/your girls.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks so much for your input, I need to hear it! Yes this isn't the first time that I've suggested things to help him with the kids, he takes the advice but can't even utter a response of " thanks, that was a good idea" Or " I never thought of that".
Now not being able to freaking communicate like a normal person in a situation regarding our own children makes it very clear there is something SERIOUSLY WRONG HERE. That's a mind game! Can't even admit he took the advice of the mother that gave birth to his very own children??? Yet when he's offered suggestions that were good ideas, I've praised him for it and said " good idea!". That's blatant narcissitic mind control, devalue and degradation as far as Im concerned.
And yes REally Snodderly, if he's un- usually phoning home, it makes me very curious as to why he just drops out of the sky like that! Only to retreat back to the heavens the minute he hears back from me. So yes, Im very curious as to where he is when these things happen. Im really beginning to think he just needs to know Im still out there at times. No interest o anything more except I still exist. WEIRD.
I have to admit this running hot and cold is something he did when he was home anyway. It was the strangest thing I ever saw. Just as friendly and happy for one day, or two, then in a functional coma the next. It's like his ability to communicate was severely damaged after he got consumed with World of Warcraft then the head injury didn't make matters better. The disassociation this man is capable of is quite remarkable from an objective point of view.
The desire to probe him no longer overtakes me as it did directly after BD, but it does stir my curiousity from time to time. Oh well... whatever ET in MLC. Whatever floats your boat Buddy!
On a happier note D10 and I are having mother daughter time together. D13 had a slumber party last night and will be home sometime today. WE went to dinner and shopping last night. My girls are so different solo than together in the house. D10 made me warmed up Chinese for breakfast, and I made her hot chocolate.
I also found someone that sparked my interest on Plenty of Fish, so I sent him an email. We will see what happens.
I'm glad to read that you and your girls are doing okay. I'm glad you and youngest spent time together yesterday. You've given them as normal a life as they can have w/their father being on the Mother Ship. He doesn't have a clue what he's missing out on because children grow up so fast.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wonder what my actions looked like to XH since he left?
You know I've spent all this time so confused, angry, resentful, and just depressed over something I felt I had no control over.
My XH's actions completely had me in a tail spin. I couldn't understand why he was acting so hot and cold all the time. I couldn't understand why for someone that wanted out and a divorce so badly, and was finally getting it, was acting like he was the one getting served with papers, and getting treated as he treated me!
It finally dawned on me, that as horrible as I felt, even though he was the one that immediately hooked up with OW, I do believe I ended up being the one that walked away first. I think XH wanted a divorce in order to have freedom but still wanted to keep the connection and keep that door open. Serious cake eating is what he wanted. Serious cake eating is all he's ever know in his life, because XH has always been able to have his cake and eat it too.
Not this time.
See it was when I put my foot down, got an attorney, and told him " Ok you wanted this divorce, you're getting it. WE're also going to act like we're divorced", he really started flipping his biscuits!
I had even emailed him and told him that it was very clear to me that his priorities in life and what he values in a relationship are completely different than mine based on his choices. I told thanked him for the laughter, and being there when I truly needed him most, when my mother died. I said happy trails, and he would be in my heart forever.
Since then, as horrible as I've felt and as much as I've wished this could've turned around, I've conducted myself with my head held high and kept going forward, even if I kept looking back.
Im really beginning to think that XH has been angry with me for sticking to my guns and moving forward. He tried to cake eat so many damn times, and I would tell him NO. He would be livid and spew.
The minute I would stand firm and remind him that we are no longer together, that things are going to be different from what he's been used to, HE WOULD SPEW LIKE NO OTHER.
Many things are coming back to me now, Im still giving the alst year and a half an autopsy I guess you could say. Im now looking back at how I behaved, and carried myself, and how it must've looked to others and XH.
I think on the outside I looked pretty well put together. On the inside I was a horrific mess.
