Have been here for a little bit but needed to start over. I will try to post to individual threads so you will remember me.
Quick background-- H dropped bomb about 6 months ago that he is "in love" w OW. EA so far, but who knows for how much longer. H moved out 2 months ago & seems to be more involved w kids when he's here than prior to his leaving. He has made NO movement back to M at all. Yet he has never yet said he wants a D.
Have been DBing for a while. H has noticed my 180s, but hasn't seemed to change his direction. His M passed away this summer & her illness had a major impact in his current MLC or whatever it is that he is going through.
I am managing day by day. Some better than others. Kids are getting used to new normal but have difficult moments. Am worried about each of them for different reascons.
DOn't know what the new year will hold for me/kids, but am less optomistic than I used to be. Feel like H is slipping awaw from me, going toward OW, toward a new life.
So, want to save our marriage. Love my H, but he is a different person now & this person is not someone I want to be with. Wish he could see the light.
We did NOT have a bad M, in fact this was a total shock to me. In retrospect I realize that some things he told me over time were impacting his happiness far more than I ever imagined.
180s: 1) Don't sweat the small stuff, 2) Verbally appreciate things he's done/things I notice, 3) Compliment him more, 4) Respect his opinions esp when it comes to decisions about kids, 5) Really listen w/o judgement.
GAL's-- Some nights out w GFs (married GFs); and my kids' activities or new things I do solo w my kids.
Detaching--I absolutely stink at this!
Try hard to live by Sandi's 37 Rules.
Some of you will recognize my sitch, so I hope to see you here!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Oh good, another bad detacher.....we have a club lol!!
But it is my opinion that one detaches when one is ready and that is what the GAL and 180s eventually lead to, a living of your own life, which allows you to live with someone else!
I am happy that you let me know that you changed your name so I can continue to follow your story. Our stories are so similar its scary. I have to say it took me a long to to detach. - About 8 months. I am now not as lonely at night. After H leaves, I watch TV that I want to watch. I talk with a friend on the phone or I read these forums. Someone once told me to write a gratitude journal every night. Write down everything you were thankful for on that day. I don't write it down, but I do think about it each night before I go to sleep. Its then that I realize, yes this situation [censored], but I am going to be ok. I have a lot of other things going for me. I try to focus on the other positive things going on in my life rather then this negative situation. It helps re-direct my thoughts.
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
Emailed H today (have been emailing once a week, just to let him know I am thinking about him or just to say hi. Trying to keep emails light & non-emotional.)
H acknowledges emails when I see him after work at home,but rarely responds otherwise. I NEVER used to email him at work, so this is a 180 for me to give him the time of day while I'm at work. It really hasn't seemed to make any impact at all.
When he said he got my email he also said he really didn't know what to respond. I said, "That's okay, I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you." He said, "I'm sure you do." I said jokingly, "That's being a little full of yourself!" No response from him. I guess he wasn't in the mood for a joke.
He was at his wits end when I came home from work as kids had been arguing/fighting for a couple of hours. Could tell H was ready to "get the hockey-puck outta here!"
MY GAL- invited a GF over to my house to have a little cocktail tonight--very impromptu! Would never have done this before! (Kids will just watch a movie until bedtime."
Tomorrow's GAL- bball games for all kids! Then maybe I'll do a little shopping returns & sit at a book store cafe & read for a little while...if H decides to hang out at the house after games. We'll see. (Trying to not be around H as much, so I can detach better. Don't know if this is the right thing to do, but feel that since OW is his focus that I need to not focus my attention on H).
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Lil'G, Occasional emails are ok, as long as you don't pressure. If you're just briefly informing him of a highlight or two of your day that's ok. Always be upbeat and positive.
"I hope your day is going well" is less threatening to a spouse who is no longer sure about the M than "I'm thinking of you". Also, avoid questions unless absolutely necessary. You don't want him to feel any pressure to respond.
If "he's sure you are thinking of him", maybe you need to show him you are doing fine on your own. Let him know about the new and exciting things going on in your life.
Remember, your goal is to have him chase you.
Good job on GAL, keep it up. Maybe take a course, start a new hobby, or try something new. Actually having an interesting life will do wonders for you, and is very attractive to others. Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
GTO, I agree with FY. I'll go a little further and suggest that you do not send an email with the only purpose to say that you're thinking about him. This puts him in a position of power--which he showed through his answer "I'm sure you do."
