Hey Y'all. I know, it's been a while. Actually maybe close to a months since i last posted.
QuickSitch for those who don't know...
January, I brought up divorce (WAW)
February ~ Tell H about an E-OM. Daily desparate discussions on saving the R. I'm not buying, H is getting more and more depressed and angry because I wont try. H moved out for a week, then back home, and I start sleeping in our daughter's bed. H spits in face, cops are called. H calls me horrid names, is basically falling apart at the seams. H apologizes, but to no avail. I see lawyer, H sees lawyer. H's parents start pulling on H really hard to cut his losses.
March ~ More daily discussions, more parental involvement, less and less hope. H's parents essentially LIE to H, telling him that I told their other daughter-in-law that this R was 100% over. H's folks speculate that I've given H 6 months to change because I want a babysitter and want to stay in this house, and because I don't want H to take kids to thier house for the summer. All of those things are false. ABSOLUTELY/POSITIVELY FALSE!!!! I'm giving H a chance because he deserves a chance. He deserves to take this knowledge gained through these discussions and do something with it. My kids deserve it, and so do I, dang-it.
Today ~ I came back on this board to get with the WAW's who came back, and the men and women who have done something positive with thier "chance". H needs love. I need love. But there are SO many things to overcome. There is SO much work to do. And, when H doesn't do his part, or when he starts acting out old behaviors I get SO frustrated and angry. AND I feel like if I don't start showing him "affection" and start acting "happy", then he'll just up and leave anyway. I feel like he's asking me to lay down and take some more. I know, consciously, he doesn't even know what he's doing to convey this to me. I need to be patient, and to wait wait wait for his enlightenment.
In the meantime, what can I do? What can I do to keep up my part in this. I don't want to ever sell myself short again, but I feel like a witch in doing so.
p.s. - WillWin ~ nice sig change LostLove ~ thanks for checking in on me, too.
I have been thinking about you....welcome back. Sorry about the in laws. H sounds rather angry still. My h still isn't sure that this walk away is for real but we are most definetly hanging in there.
Charcoal the biggest change for me came when I quit being mad at H for our past. Our present was so screwed up that we needed to deal with that.
I remember being so thrilled that he was finally showing me he cared. Then I got so mad!!!Then stubborn anyway....when I finally figured out that I truly loved him for him. Not because of our history or kids. Then I starting the process of forgiving him & myself. Because of the ow involved I really had to search my heart ,examine my head & check with my soul to determine how and what I felt for this guy.
Somehow the past stupid behavior doesn't matter so much. The war has to stop. Cease fire and all that. Mat surely cares for you. You are an amazing writer. His feelings at reading what you wrote???Ouch!!!
So anyway I'm glad to see you are back here. You make alot of sense. How are the kids? The book you are reading sounds interesting.
Welcome back
#1?
Kim (kip)
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
I guess I need to ask you, what are you doing right now to make your life a lil bit better??? I guess what is a detailed game plan that you can come up with to make changes in you and to influance your h?
Hello Kim and WillWin - it is nice to be back. We have been right up next to the edge and that was definitely a very wierd place.
I know I said mean, mean things, and Mat saw them and I wish I could go back and delete them all. Ouch indeed. It was definitely how I felt at the time, but still, it wasn't nice. So, Mat, if you read this, i'm sorry.
WillWin, what I'm doing is this:
I'm reading and applying the principles in "Emotional Blackmail". In other words, I'm going to stop being such a wimp and start asking for the kinds of emotional interactions that support a healthy R. I'm also going to forgive myself for allowing such depths to be reached. I'm also going to forgive Mat for the past, if i've not done so already. I'm going to take each day one step at a time and try really hard to not see each slip as a big failure.
I've made myself a number of promises that I am not going to break.
I've stopped talking to the eom, (I know I had stopped earlier, but then Mat said he was moving back east regardless of what I said and I took that as Mat D-ing me, and so...) anyway, i've stopped checking eom's posts on "his" message board, and I feel alot better about me than I did before. I mean, I'm insisting Mat excersize all this control ~ I suppose that means that I have to do the same thing, right.
I've also started sleeping in OUR bed again. Mat's been away for a week, and will be back in 4 days. I'm thinking to maybe even initiate some...
intimacy???
So, oh yes, we are both in therapy and attending a R seminar in a week or so.
Kim, I really appreciate your compliment on my writing. I aspire to publish *something* within the next 10 years. I also really appreciate yours and WillWin's replies. WillWin, i'm curious, lead me to the thread where I can figure out why you changed your sig. I'm excited and hopeful for you!
Those are some good goals by the way Char... I hope Mat puts the effort into it as well. By the way, after reading your last post, I think you may be able to get something out of my "I have won" post...
sheeshe willwin, that's one LONG post! lots of smiley's though, so, a nice read all in all.
i couldn't find your "I Have Won" post
i think you're an awesome dude in exacting your own recovery and coming to a place of common sense and happiness. i hope for you, that if and when you get your xw back, or maybe even another person, that she's worked as hard as you in intropection and self awareness ~ wouldn't that be the R of the century? good luck with that willwin
Hey Char, thanks for the kind words... My lastest thread is in hopefulness as well...
For the link, if you click on it it should take you to a post dated 3/3/03 at 8:56pm that starts off, So I go work out tonight... I try showing off for a cute blonde at the bottom it is the first I have won post...
Charcoal, My amazing friend you are pointed in the right direction. You are doing what you need to do. What you wrote probably did hurt Mat, but gee you didn't know he would read it at the time and you did it with style. I think you both are going to do so very very well. I have learned so much from reading your threads. It's like reading about me..... Keep posting and have a great weekend.
P.s. Will Morgan also writes great stuff, he's in Newcomers but hasn't been on for a while. I want to know when you do print something!!!!!!!!
Kim
"Those who don't read, have no
advantage over those who can't"
Mark Twain
Today ~ I came back on this board to get with the WAW's who came back, and the men and women who have done something positive with thier "chance". H needs love. I need love. But there are SO many things to overcome. There is SO much work to do. And, when H doesn't do his part, or when he starts acting out old behaviors I get SO frustrated and angry. AND I feel like if I don't start showing him "affection" and start acting "happy", then he'll just up and leave anyway. I feel like he's asking me to lay down and take some more. I know, consciously, he doesn't even know what he's doing to convey this to me. I need to be patient, and to wait wait wait for his enlightenment.
In the meantime, what can I do? What can I do to keep up my part in this. I don't want to ever sell myself short again, but I feel like a witch in doing so.
Wow, Charcoal, your February sounded amazingly sad. Impressive that you are in this forum such a short time later, after the nightmarish scenes you describe. Good for you.
Re. "Today," it's intersting that I see both parts of myself and my wife in your sitch. My wife would say, "I need love," and add that I can't provide the type that she needs. She also would say I'm "not doing my part." I'm doing what I can to weather her storm, and not get defensive, but frankly, it feels as if I'm not allowed to do my part as she struggles with her MLC, her past, etc.
Other things my W could relate to would be not wanting to sell herself short and feeling like a witch in trying to do so. I have heard those words quite a few times. Now, our sitches are not the same in many ways, and I feel you have more of a reason to legitimately feel this way. (I'm thinking of your Feb. here.) I'd argue that my wife making these statements is a cop out, a way to try and escape into some new reality, but it doesn't sound like that is the case for you.
I think in a way, you're in a worse place because my W knows I have no intention at this point in leaving or giving up, so she doesn't even have to feign being happy or affectionate. So I keep paying the price for my inattention in dealing with our stuff earlier, and her ongoing struggles with many other issues in her life, which you've seen on my thread. So it seems you'd be in a very bad place at times. Any chance of the two of you agreeing to stick around for a while so that the pressure is removed from you?
Anyway, my part in your comments above revolve around "lay down and take it some more," plus "being patient and waiting for her enlightment." (And I need some, too, admittedly.) I suppose that's all we can do while we try to better ourselves at the same time. If they leave, they leave, but it's SO easy to say that when it hasn't happened yet. Anyway, don't know that I've added much here, but I'm glad you're moving toward reconciliation. I hope to be able to say the same thing someday. Vista
LostLove ~ thanks for checking in on me, too. 
& check with my soul to determine how and what I felt for this guy.