Although I don't envy anyone with the same issues as what I am going through. It is nice to have someone understand the ED and the H thinking he won't find me attractive again. Although I find this very upsetting.
I am still crying most days but I feel since discovering DB I feel more in control. There is a comfort in knowing that other people understand what you are going through. It has been a real lifeline.
sorry i disappeared - i still have trouble finding people- and finding myself sometimes & responses.
i'd say - as far as the xea - and anyone in the universe that is not you- don't go taknig anyone's word as law.
I think (and i hope i am right - becasue it's my m.o. here) that we all need to - use everything we hear and see and listen to as stuff to consider - keep what speaks to us- toss out the rest as either well meaning or junk.
YOUNEED TO listen only to your heart & gut. it's hard, i flip and flop allover the place. most people think i should have walked out the first minute (you know, like tv and movies tellus) as far as real life- it's such a personal and strange thing to have happen and to go thru-
you are the only person that can make a decision for you- . you are the person that has to live with your decisions. you are the one sitting there - after all is said and done- that has to be happy with how you have acted or reacted.
if someone elses advice speaks to you and you think it's great and correct , by all means use it t o guide your actions.
i am having big trouble letting anyone "tell me" what to do. i keep throwing stuff out there in this forum- i get alot of feedback- some good , some bad- some from men which is an eye-opener, how they think. it is so different from women/s angle.
it's all good tho- it all helps me learn. it helps broaden my outlook.
what i've heard that sticks in my brain a bit is a couple little tidbits.
first of all- you can always walk away tomorrow. if you are absolutely not sure- don't do anything drastic rite now.
(remember here- i'm just a person going thru this- and it's just my personal outlook- )
i spend ALOT of time biting my tongue- steppintg back and not acting. it's getting easier- i don't pretend to know how it will turn out for me- it's an awful and desperate feeling kind of place to be in.
second of all- a friend *(who'd been thru something similar w/her h and online porn) (& god only knows what else - i did not grill her for any details) said that her attorney (a woman who she liked, and had been divorced & married 3 times) told her - to think long and hard before she left the life she was familiar with- to run to WHAT? THE UNKNOWN. SO IF she was not running TO anyhting wonderful in particular- that she was sure of- maybe don;t run anywhere just yet.
it resonated with me- when i'm alone- i'm darn lonely- even thinkin i've still got this (icky and uncertain) connection is something in my life- i'm having trouble letting go- i'm working on it all- sorth=ing thru my feelings, etc.- i'm glad i didn't just run - (i don't know if i will be in the end- but for now i guess i'm still here- so that's something)
now i can't think what 4else-
the ed thing is the stumper for me. sometimes i think i need to think of somehow luring him into sex and that will end his stupid notion he "can't with me". (i don't look at him and want to tho - i want to bop him with a frying pan to the head and say wake up and grow up- you love me you jerk- even tho it's not exciting and new- it's very very good and about as good as human beings can expect from life)
( my personal opinion is that sex is all about our brains "loving" someone- his brain at the moment is all caught up with ow and he is a jerk and she is a jerk- but i'm stuck with it. (i know - real mature huh?) anyway- i do believe he's "crazy" at the moment- mlc. (and i don't find that attractive - someone being self-cenereed to the point of insanity) what's a girl to do??? jury out
i am not, however, sure he will ever get uncrazy- i'm just riding it out for as long as i can stand it- and if i feel myself getting nuts or my health slipping or something like that- then i will jump ship. i'm not willing to trade my happiness for his- i'm just willing (in light of 35 years spent with him) to "wait and see" as long as i can stand it.
for better or worse... i honestly don't know.
mwd says do not pursue. get your own interests & life, etc. in my sitch we are in two different places alot- him in fl me in nj. i think even tho i go out more- do more- do have a life- he doesn't see it.
honestly- i can't tell if he's waiting for me to dump him so he's the nice guy who got ditched (tho he's cheating) or if he's hanging on because like me, he NEEDS ME IN his life? he is not a sharer of feelings (never has been) it's impossible for me to read the signs with any certainty. i feel blind- so i'm trying to go with my own gut- i'm just not READY to be allllll alone (forever if that is the case).
i've said a couple times in beginning i could rent a u-haul and be out of his life in a week and he would never have to see my face again- he said don't do it. he didn't think we should get out of each other's lives. i don't know what he wants from me? i've said i view myself as his "mate" not his buddy, or whatever. it's ratty situation.
i think sometimes it might make me pathetic- i don't care really what the heck people around me think of me. i'm just worryin about my heart.
i have had the personal experience tho, of most of the things mwd describes in her books - my h has re-written history (it's so jerky 8i wanted to laugh- so unreal- )
he's said awful things- some he doesn't remember - some he "means" - God only knows.
of course - it begs the question, what the heck is he still doing in my life if he feels like i'm such an evil jerk? *(my words not his). he just lists my flaws and shortcomings (mostly i'm messy and have too much stuff) i do, and i'm trying to work on that because it annoys me as well- it's slow going tho- and i think he just thinks up "reasons" to justify his cheating because he's the "bad guy" and doesn't like it.
i'd think that's the ed thing. can he or i ever overcome it- i don't know.
i've kind of lost my thread here- i gt allover the place. i hope you're doing okay- sorry if i dropped out of site- you can read my thread or contact me there if you need someone to rant to- i'll be glad to listen. i'll try and remember to keep checking back. this is my first forum experience ever-
it has been a good place for me to "run to" whenever i'm feeling overwhelmed and nutty-]
keep coming- i'll jus tthrow in- i've known now for 1.5 yr of ea. the ow is eomeone from olden days we both worked with. if i had to guess - i'd say he dug her out of the old chest in the attic and she reminds him of and makes him feel like the guy he was back when we were all young and on the way "up" etc. i don't see her as "better " than me- he obdiously does rite now. if he resisted her 30 years ago- how could she be so great now? i may be deluded. anyway- tho- we are not married - he has all the "rights" and i have none- he could have - and could now - walk away any minute he wants to. for some reason he's still here- he said he doesn't love me- i thnk he's crazy and he probably really does - but it's not exciting enough (what i'd call real love). time will tell-
follow your own heart and gut- whoever your h's ow is or was- i'm thinking if she was screwing around with him- nothing out of her mouth is with your best interests at heart or she never would have done it. consider the source
he is a smart man- but emotionally not exactly as mature as one could hope- damaged i guess - narcissistic for sure. i don't know what I FEEL About him anymore- but i'm unwilling to LET GO totally too- we're in some wierd "same boat" of sorts.
i forgot to say- the friend with the attorney. my friend did not leave her husband and home- or make him go. they rub along somehow at peace- i haven't checked back with her lately- i know they have not broken up their home together (for what that's worth!?)
oh gee- i don't think they are "themselves" eithere- not the men we met and loved. i thought h washonest for 35 years too. i am not sure now- in light of recent years of dishonesty )(of one sort or another).
it's hard to veiw him as "lost" and hurting. i am not sure about it- i'm taking mwd's word on that- trying to anyway.
time will tell- hang in there and goodluck- i am going now for real...
Thanks for getting back to me Nero. I am not relying on XEA. Just don't think she could be 100% honest or she wouldn't have done what she done. That's my thoughts. I'm gonna go with my gut on that one
