A newcomer's story

[justjudy]

Hi, I hope I'm doing this right. I am glad I found this site, I have been reading the threads and have ordered Divorce Remedy, hopefully will arrive in next few days. I am very pleased to find a forum that believes trying to save my marriage as a worthy goal because that's what I believe too

All the information has been really helpful for my situation which is:
10 months ago, the day after Xmas 2011, my 49 y.o. Husband of 22 years gave me the ILYBINILWY speech. I was just stunned. I had no idea he was unhappy. Sure, in hindsight I acknowledge he was tired, grumpy, short tempered, withdrawn, losing weight, and lots of other clues that now make sense but at the time I put down to work, busy, stressful - just normal stuff. We have two daughters 17 & 10, and they were just stunned too. I read somewhere that "if you thought your marriage was good it was probably good, if your friends and family thought your marriage was good, it was probably good" but that's not the way he sees it. apparently he had been unhappy, "in a bad place" for months. But he never said anything to me.He was adamant that moving out was what he was going to do. And so he did.

I instinctively did some things right - according to what I read here and on other sites. I understood he needed 'space', tried not to beg / cling / cry, told him I accepted he felt the way he felt, I didn't want our marriage to be over but that I planned to be OK whatever happened. And I quickly decided that while I felt this was "not about me' I had to put in some work too. Our old relationship was dead, neither of us were going back to that so I am trying to make me the best me I can be, for me. I found a great counsellor who continues to help me envisage and move towards a new future.

I have used the last 10 months to start rebuilding a life, to think about what I want that life to look like, to read and learn about mid life crisis, to develop my friendships, nurture my relationships with each of my girls, to find & develop my inner strength,to think & learn about my own character & behaviour, and to consider the dynamics of my marriage and the issues that he raised. I am trying to 'detach', to 'get a life', to maintain a positive mental attitude. to be grateful. to listen. think about love & forgiveness. I do really feel in a good place much of the time and like the person I am becoming.

He and I see each other on averaage a few times a week - related to the children. Pickups / dropoffs / sport / school events and the such like. other that that, we mostly communicate by text, altho sometimes I respond by phoning, just to mix it up. I rarely initiate contact but respond pleasantly. Everything is superficially very pleasant - makes my head spin when he is still resolutely heading down the path to property settlement and divorce!!! Our eldest daughter just finished high school, he & I sat together at her graduation dinner chatting & laughing and getting along very easily, I still enjoy his company. But weird!! By evening's end I was sitting there thinking "tell me again what's so terrible about this that you had to move out???" I have read about 'boomerangs' and about 'touch & go' contact and that fits my situation pretty well.

I have no actual proof of OW but enough suspicions and clues to put the pieces together and draw my own conclusions. My children don't know. In fact, I think hardly anyone knows. Im guessing a covert affair has a particular appeal - who knows what would happen if they were exposed? Also they are boss & secretary so don't know the ramifications at work for them, perhaps that's also a reason for the secrecy?? I don't know whether to confront him about this affair or not?

The timelines for MLC are pretty scary - sooo long - and no guarantees of how things will turn out. I think things began for him after his grandparents died - within 3 months of each other. We had just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. He got a big promotion at work. This was all about 2 1/2 years ago.

He has the cliche unresolved childhood issues - he was adopted separately from his twin brother at age 2 and has never explored this. His adoptive mother is not warm & loving and his childhood stories paint her as emotionally very uninvolved. His adoptive faather sounds like a nice man - I never met him, he died when my husband was in his 20s. He was not there when his dad died and his mum made him feel terribly guilty about it. He seems to have received most love and acceptance from the grandparents who died a few years ago - so I can see that may have been a trigger for MLC.

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm dealing with MLC or not? I read the posts and resources - like the MLC stages and checklists - some sounds like him, some doesn't. He isn't nasty, isn't ignoring the kids or being awkward about money, was intially just cold & distant, now quite pleasant (although still resolute & adamant that this is the way it will be.) He seems happy enough, not like his old relaxed, fun self, but not suffering in anguish or anything? My daughters bring home mixed messages after visiting - I try not to spend too much time focussed on how he's doing.

Anyway...that's my story. I don't want to give up on my marriage and I still feel much love for him and believe the foundation for a great relationship still exists. I am "getting a life' and see positives in my new life and new me but am not ready to close the door on our relationship. I am 'pleasant but busy' in my interactions and just trying to be a pleasant part of his life as I wait for him to take his journey without any great expectations about how long that will take or what will happen. everyone's future is an unknown, i guess I am more scared about what I do know: things might take years and still not work out the way I would like them to, and in the meantime I am alone.

[BklynMom]

You are not alone. You have us.

Keep posting on your sitch and comment on others. There are some great people on these boards who can help you get back on your feet.

You are not alone. You have 2 beautiful daughters. You need to be a example to them and show them when life gives you lemons make lemonade.

Stay strong. You seem to be headed in the right direction

[adinva]

Hi - we seem to have a lot in common. I've been doing basically the same thing you've been doing, since June 2011. My H did not move out but he otherwise acts much like yours and is occasionally working toward getting a divorce.

You sound good, and like you're doing the right things. You may have no control over him or what happens to your M but you're not making things worse and you're being a great role model for your girls.

This site is great for venting, exploring your emotions, getting all kinds of feedback. I'm glad you're here.

[littleGTO]

JJ,
HI, It sounds like you are DBing well! And, you've definitely come to the right place.

My H too is in a MLC triggered by the illness & recent passing of his mother. We have been M-17 and T20. We have 3 boys.

Use your girls as a source of strength.

Read as much as you can about MLC--I'm still learning. You seem to have so much clarity about things as they stand w H & why he's where he is.

Are there arny 180s you've been doing? What kind of GAL things have you incorporated in your life to fill the void of your H's emotional absence?

Glad you found us here!

[justjudy]

Thanks for your supportive posts. I think I have found a good place. Feels good already, expecially the pro-marriage vibe.

Turtle girl - I was just reading your thread then looked at mine and there was your post. Coincidences like that are not really coindicences are they?

to GAL I have been focussed very much on my girls being involved in their lives and doing things together or with each individually, doing lots of gardening, picked up an extra day at my part time job where my co-workers are all good friends, started coaching a beginner team at our netball club and become part of a social network of all the other coaches so have made some lovely new friends there(netball is a bit like basketball but different and mainly a girls sport...for you Americans!}and socialising with friends. Im not sure how it happened (but so grateful) but I also have made a whole new group of school mum friends who are wonderful fun and support and we are all on the same page with life philosophies although our lives are all very different. I used to read a lot but find i can't keep my brain on track and used to play piano a lot but it makes me sad coz i used to play for H. Instead I am reading about MLC and enjoying listening to my 2 girls play, they are both very musical so it is a joy to listen to them.

As to 180s, this is a bit harder. I have done a lot of thinking about this. Thinking about the dynamics of our relationship and my behaviour and the way we interacted as well as the issues that H raised in our few sessions of MC (very early this year). He said I was angry (said I fought all the time with my D17) and rigid (said I kept the house too tidy) and he resented that I thought his job impacted on our family life.

I took allthose things on board initially - then spoke to my D about the arguments and she said "but mum we hardly ever fight, its like 1% of the time, thats just rubbish" - I believe what she says is the truth but can also see that I didn't always approach things calmly. I was often tired and overwhelmed and felt taken for granted and doing all the house and parenting stuff on my own. H has a very demanding job, lots of out of hours commitments, away from home on business often so I was often left to cope on my own and yes I did resent it. I understood and accepted that it was just how it was but I also felt taken for granted. As to keeping the house too tidy, well, when I look around I see a house that is clean and well kept but obviously has a family living there. Sure beds are made and dishes done but the family room is full of school books, music gear, colouring and craft stuff, laptops & ipods, sports gear - all the stuff of a family. there's piles i haven't got around to putting away and washing hanging round waiting to be folded. its a normal house and in the past he has expressed to me how happy he was that I kept a nice house. so that one I am not sure about but I have tried to lighten up a bit and not fuss too much about the house.

In my interactions with H I am also trying to think about 180s. Instead of being sad I try to be warm, lighthearted, friendly. pleasant but busy my IC says. That seems to work. I haven't cried or been upset around him for months and he is being pleasant and friendlier back.

Also letting him initiate all contact unless I must contact about kids. And not answering straight away (eg text message) And finishing the conversation first. I would hang in there too long I think sometimes, keep texting to keep the conversation going when I should have stopped. so I am very conscious of that now. Also sometimes if he texts me I will ring back just to mix up the medium of contact.

I also think i was passive in our relationship and let him take control so I have tried to be more assertive - not bossy or aggressive but assertive. I am also acting 'as if' i feel confident and OK with the direction of my life. Lots of times this is true, its easy then but other times...not true so much harder.

Also working very hard on detachment. This one is hard. Like a few weeks back we met up after D10's netball game - I had been coaching my beginners so popped over to her court to see how her match went. While H was watching the game, he had bumped into someone he knew from a course he did a few years ago and virtually introduced me as his wife "you remember Judy? Jude, remember we met so&so at that function?" I just didn't know how to react. I felt like saying "you do realise that you can't just trot me out as your wife when its more convenient to do so"

My IC said 'pleasant but busy' is fine but I need to be 'less pleasant and more busy'. I have been interacting more distantly and less "wife-ly" since, more focussed on D10 than H. You know - super excited to give D10 a hug then a quick Hi to H all while obviously wanting to talk to D10.

We interact very pleasantly face to face and never discuss our R or money or property settlement or D or OW. Its so surreal because that's all going on under the surface of the superficial pleasantries. It really sends my head spinning.

In all my interactions, especially ones that are awkward or I really don't want (like having to sit together at D17's high school graduation dinner last week) I think "what would the girls want?" or "what would be best for the girls?" and decide what I will do based on that. Then I can interact knowing I may not want to do this but I am doing this for the girls. They have both already said they know which parent they can rely on which was heart warming. My relationship with each of them has really strengthened through all this and thats a good good thing.

[littleGTO]

Wow, JJ! Our thoughts are so much alike!

My H said today it seemed as though I didn't care he was around (he visits our house on the weekends & spends the majority of the day), but I keep busy and don't really spend my time hanging around him so much. Play games w kids, grocery shop, clean house, etc.

And the superficial pleasantries--OMG-I just posted something almost exactly like that on my thread!

Finally, my decisions thus far are ALL ABOUT MY KIDS...like allowing H to come/go from house & spending as much time here as he wants (good for kids). FLying to my parents on CHristmas day (as opposed to staying here that day to spend w my H) I decided was better for THEM (as it is ALWAYS what we do).

And my youngest son definitely opens up to me about his feelings of his dad moving out vs. talking to his dad. So, over time I feel like residual feelings of resentment may build up & they will know which parent is HERE TO STAY and which may or may not be here, depending on his mood/future choices.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things, so...I guess I'll visit your thread to pick up some tips!

[AnotherStander]

Hi JJ, it sounds like you're doing great with your DB'ing and GAL activities! Good job! When you read DR it goes into the "baby steps" to watch for, many of us get so zoned in on looking for big changes in our spouse that we totally miss the baby steps. It'll also walk you through re-evaluating what you're doing now and then to make sure you're on the right track. It's important that if you see no progress, to try something different and monitor the results.

In your OP you mentioned how H doesn't seem to remember anything good about the M. This is very typical. Whether WAS or MLC'er, they almost all rewrite history to where they remember the bad but not the good. They're not lying about it, they really do just remember bad stuff. It takes time before the "fog lifts" and they remember the good too.

I used to read a lot but find i can't keep my brain on track and used to play piano a lot but it makes me sad coz i used to play for H.

That's OK, often when getting into GAL activities people find that old hobbies bring back bad memories so they avoid them. Often it's more helpful to pick up completely new hobbies/ activities and it sounds like you're doing great at that. With time you'll likely be able to pick up the old hobbies without the bad memories coming back.

and rigid (said I kept the house too tidy)

Wow, is that ever reaching for excuses!!

[justjudy]

Hi AS, I have already read some of your thread and posts elsewhere so already know that your perspective and POV is right on the same track as my own thought progress and that you give good sensible feedback. I feel very privileged that you read andd responded for me.

I'm still waiting for DR, also ordered Jim conways book. Just before Christmas delivery from amazon to Australia will take longer than normal i guess .

I hadn't really thought about looking for baby steps altho when you point it outr its obvious. Can't see beyond the big "wish" that he will just change his mind and come home I suppose but I totally know that isn't how it works.

And I do see baby steps...he now texts me back almost straightaway, used to trake hours sometimes which was bizarre for a man who is attached to his phone. Yesterday I sent message saying our D17 had a doctor appointment, we discussed back and forth that we thought she was just very run down after finishing her exams, she rang me after her consult, I asked her to ring her dad to let him know ans he them messaged me to say thanks for getting her to ring and wrote that "our wise heads" had got the diagnosis right...wow that was almost a compliment!

He has been renting a house nearby since he moved out. The girls like that he is close by, D10 doesn't want to be far from me and D17 visits spontaneously which she wouldnt do if he wasn't close by. Anyway, his lease ran out and he has to move. I thought he might move closer to OW but he hasnt, D10 tells me is moving down the street from his current sitch. Good for my girls. Wow a decision that doesn't smell of complete selfishness!

Already I can see the positives of this forum. Thanks all who have taken the time to read and respond. Really helps to talk to someone in the same situation with the same goals rather than well meaning friends who don't quite get where I am trying to head so why I react or respond the way I do.

[justjudy]

AS I was just re-reading your calm and thoughtful advice, thanks again.

I couldn't help but notice quite a few similarities in our life situation. Similar ages..me 46, H 49. A D 17 about to head off to university, and a younger child, D10. Also M22, together 25. So timeframes all very similar. The mind just spins doesn't it wondering how they can just turn their back on all those years.

I have thought some more about H's "kept house too tidy" complaint. Sure on its own its just ridiculous but thinking it through...perhaps he was really complaining about inflexibility and priorities. I admit having the house nice is important to me and I do have my own ways I like stuff done. I know he has had difficulty articulating what he's actually thinking so I try to think beyond the actual words to the motivation and thought process and so take on board what he's really trying to say.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even when the complaints seem just plain silly there can be a kernel of truth that we LBS need to think about, accept, and perhaps work on.

BTW New 180... Cut my hair off!! Gone from long, dark blonde to short brunette!! Love it!! Lots of compliments all round. Very happy.

And new baby step today...H had to drop around this morning with D10's bike for a "bike ed" session at school. He used to always leave for work earlier than me and would toss the newspaper from the top of the driveway and try to get it to land on the front doormat. It was a bit of a fun challenge but of course that had stopped then he moved out and since then even if the paper was right there when he came over he just didn't even see it. Today knowing he would be over early with the bike I left the paper there just to see what he would do... newspaper up, and brought it down the driveway and handed it to me.

[labug]

I guess what I am trying to say is that even when the complaints seem just plain silly there can be a kernel of truth that we LBS need to think about, accept, and perhaps work on.

This is so right, justjudy, and it seems that you realize that this behavior was/is a problem for him. Many of us here are controller/fixers in recovery.

I was not a rigid housekeeper by my H's mom was so I thought that's what he was used to, that's what I needed to do. Of course, keeping house was her FT job. I always had a FT job and the house. H helped but I still felt it way "my" responsibility.

This caused me lots of stress and then anger and then resentment. Perfect recipe for marital difficulties. Sounds like you had similar feelings.

Understand where that comes from and work on it.

Reading up on your sitch it sounds like you're doing OK. It's hard and the most difficult things, like detachment, take time. Women thrive on attachment and emotional connection and to suddenly say, "stop that", doesn't work. In the long run having a certain level of detachment is healthy for all of our R, people need to be able to live their lives.