TJP, It's time to seek the advice of a lawyer and get something in place so that he's providing for you and your children. I'm not surprised he stopped the direct deposit. He is a master of manipulation and control.
I agree w/KML, be very careful in what you provide to him in writing when it comes to an expense spreadsheet because your bills will fluctuate periodically. What he is doing is very, very wrong and it's to make you beg.
You may not have separation agreements in your state, but I'm sure there is some kind of law that protects family members when it comes to parents not providing income and holding family members hostage because they want to prove a point.
Please contact your lawyer about this situation asap. It will get worse before it gets better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H and I spent last night emailing about our finances. Don't know where he is...in country...out?? Even if he is in country, he would never call on the phone. What is it with him not wanting to use the phone to communicate with me and Ds? It's always just emails mostly, sometimes texts. Maybe because he has to respond immediately on the phone. Emails he can take his time or not respond at all.
H has always been extremely intelligent. But, last night I was going over and over basic math with him. It didn't matter how I told him what the girls and needed out of the budget, he just didn't get it. He "talked" to me like I was a third grader. He has evidently opened an account at a totally different bank. He transferred enough money for our mortgage at the first of December. Nothing more. I told him I hadn't bought groceries or paid for some activity fees for YD. I asked him, why after 22 years of marriage do I have to explain the money I need to take care of myself and Ds. He was condescending to me a couple times.
When he did get condescending, I called him on it and told him to not treat me like a child. He also wanted to know about my checking account that he has no access to. He wants to know the amount in the account. HA! Like I would give up that info. He asked three times. Then after he knew I was getting frustrated, he made the comment, "I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to understand the numbers you're giving me. This is not meant to be sarcastic, I'm simply trying to explain what I'm asking. I'm not prying or questioning." What?!? He only asked the same questions over and over. I gave him the answers over and over.
I finally told him I didn't know how I could explain the numbers any differently so he would understand. We went back and forth a little bit more. He was talking down to me saying I was arguing and being hostile. I say I'm not arguing, just trying explain so he would understand. I told him not to tell me I'm being difficult just because I was pointing out the truth about the money.
He evidently thinks I have more money. I said I have one job and my paycheck is directly deposited in the joint account. (That changes in Dec) About that time, he said he was done discussing it with me because of MY attitude. My response..".the girls and I have to eat, I have Christmas to pay for and YD fees due next week. You told me and the girls that the money wouldn't just stop for us. That promise wasn't kept either. I guess I'll be making other financial arrangements to take care of the girls and pay for Christmas".
That was the way our convo ended. Oh, I did try to call him about half way thru the whole ordeal. Emailing about it is ridiculous. Anyway, I called, he wouldn't answer the phone! Why was I surprised? I left a calm and semi polite message. I called him out on his responsibilities. No more communication from him.
This morning I woke up to an email with him telling me to take part of my paycheck money that gets deposited on the 30th. Then said, "we'll get the budget worked out." I don't think he liked my "other arrangement" statement and that I told him he was not giving up the money to feed the girls.
The mlcer prefers the use of texts or emails because they don't have to hear our voices and possibly the pain in our voices. Keeping to texts or emails is another way of keeping track of what we have posted to them, and yes, they can use the written word against us in court to prove a point.
As for him not understanding what the money is for, that's BS. He's trying to get you to tell him what is in your separate account. If he wasn't prying, I don't know what is. He really does think you are hiding money from him and thinks you are making expenses up. At this point, since he's been a butt about this situation, I don't think I would tell him that your check isn't going to be going into the joint account in December. I think I would remain quiet on that until further notice.
I think you did well in calling him on his silly self, talking to you like a child and talking down to you....that's just the controller in him trying to intimidate you. You stood your ground and that's got his a bit confused because he doesn't know how to take back the control over you telling him things.
I agree, I don't think he liked the comment you made about making other arrangements. If he continues to be a butt, I would seek out the other arrangements and let's see how he feelings about the legal system questioning him about his accounts.
Keep up the good work. Protect yourself and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Found out today he has a lawyer. It's been a long day on the computer changing, transferring and printing stuff. I'm so sad about everything. My YD said she wished her Dad had died or would die. She actually won't say dad anymore. He's just initials to her now. Every day seems to bring a more devastating blow to us. I think I've hit bottom. I'm fighting a person I don't even know. I'm protecting myself and my Ds from a stranger. Crazy thing.......a couple months ago H said that I didn't need to protect Ds from their own Dad.
How do you stop thinking about your WAH/MLCER? With recent info, I am struggling to keep my mind clear. I woke up several times last night with a horrible stomachache from dreams about him. The thoughts and dreams are never good. I'm either thinking about him with OW or all the cruel things he has done. The girls and I never got any money from him. I don't know how he lives with himself. I know...they all just think about themselves, all the money they can spend and fun vacation life they are living. Meanwhile, we're here living reality, worrying about money and living everyday in pain.
I got to tell his Aunt(his deceased mother's sister) about her nephew today. She ran into my parents in the small town where we grew up. She asked my mom about us. Mom wasn't going to give up too much info. So, she called me. I felt obligated to call the Aunt and tell her everything. This woman is one of the sweetest person on this earth. She has a "Mrs. Claus" thing going. She was absolutely devastated to hear her nephew had completely changed into an entirely different person. She said his mom was turning over in her grave and she would be so hurt and disappointed in her son.
She was glad I told her because she had been worrying about us. She has been like everyone else in the family, in shock. I'm still in shock. Everyday I ask myself, "who is this man?" Since I think about him and the situation so much, I am trying to separate my husband from this man. I'm not going to let this man take away 28 years of happiness and love I had with my husband.
I would like to make it thru one day where I'm not worrying, thinking or crying over him. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Well, I kind of wish it on the man with my husbands name and the skanky tramp he's with. I want to stop being hurt, knowing they're together. That he's taking her on trips and buying her things. I want to stop worrying about how I'm going to pay for a lawyer, so my girls and I will have what we need. I feel like I will never be truly happy again. I will spend my life faking happiness for those around me.
