My story, H left because he said I was too resentful. I had found many hints of an affair. Shortly after, I discovered a full on EA/PA. He said he wasn't coming back because too much damage had been done.
For 6mos I thought I was DB but I was only doing it to see changes in his behavior towards me. The changes were minimal. When I discovered H n OW vacationed together, I felt as if I had just discovered the affair all over again. A lot of backsliding happened then.
I took DB seriously in Feb which is when I also started going to Al Anon, we started going to MC, I started going to IC that focused on cognitive behavioral therapy, H started to go to a 12 step program and continued with his IC. This helped tremendously. There were huge strides every month in us individually and as a couple.
Jumping to now, he still communicates with OW. Says he sees hope in us reconciling but still believes that if he were to come back tomorrow, my resentment would cause him to leave again.
More recently, S4 will be having surgery in 9days (Nov 14). I had asked H to spend the week at our house post op to help out since S4 will have a catheter for a week. Now, I'm not too sure about this. I worry that we (the kids and I) will have a difficult time seeing him leave when the week is over. More heartache.
Thank you Bustingout for stopping by on the last thread. I do feel scared and worried about S4 but I need to let go and give up to the doctors and God. I wish I had more control but none whatsoever.
Thank you Brklynmom for stopping by!! I haven't heard from you in such a long time! How are you??? n your girls??? I totally agree with the condition, if he doesn't plan on making solid attempts to reconcile/commit then he shouldn't spend the night. About my family, I would rather do this alone then bring them into this. They seriously disrupt my serenity with their judgement.
Now my thing is, how do I break it to him. UGH! I hate that I care more about how he's going to take this than what's important for me and my kids! This is not helpful!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I hope all goes well with your S4. I know what you mean about h leaving again at the end of the week. It could be heartbreaking for the kids but they are young and I'm sure they can take it. What about you? Can you handle it? If you can, it might give him a taste of what he's missing.
Good luck!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Hey V, all good things to S4 as he goes through this surgery.
As far as H spending time with S4 after the surgery, I'd suck it up and let him be there as much as he wants/needs to. You know he loves his boy.
Take advantage of the help.
I think I should move to SoCal and be closer to my tribe over there. You, kg, ng, RLA-wouldn't that be great. I have skills-we could create our own intentional community.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
i agree with bug. all personal feelings and fears aside and do what's best for your s. he loves his dad and dad being there would surely give him comfort.
sending prayers for you and your baby.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hi Vero....after reading, I agree completely. Do it for S4 if you can. (((( ))))
And whats up with the DB contingent in SoCal??? i love it.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
What? A meetup for the holidays and now everyone's moving to SoCal? I love it! My DB family!! lol :-D
We'll go biking at the beach with NG! Bustingout! we'll spend some time at Disneyland for the kids. LaBug, Camping in Yosemite (of course ;-) We won't let Adinva drive in case there are deer. JKS can be the designated photographer. Arsene, we can work on our patience/anger mgmt. SS, you can help us all generate a list like the one you did for your H ;-)
Journaling ******************* H called after the gym, "do you need any help getting the kids ready for bed?"
Me:"I understand your thinking of the kids tonite but I'm thinking about what happens after. If you want to come then you can tell me all the contradictions to my assumptions about you."
H: "I was hoping we could save that for Tues" This is just him postponing R conversations - of course I'm assuming.
On someone's thread I read that the less time you give them the more they miss you. I didn't think this was possible but I'm seeing it happen. I didn't mean for it to happen this way but it's interesting to notice.
I can tell he is enjoying his time with us more than before. For ex. He walked the dog! WHOA! Big! He fed the kids dinner! Cereal, but that's the first time he's put something together by himself!
I really love the person he's becoming out all this which makes it even harder to pull away. I wanted to say, "yeah, to heck with it, come over and help us." But something said, "no, I will regret it when he leaves."
Thinking back on previous relationships, I was never one to walk away. Not unless there was nothing there to stay for. I always stayed and waited for the other to change. Now I am doing the changing and I'm also pulling away. This is really big for me.
ALSO, My LL is physical touch and I'm running out of ways to get it without someone of the opposite sex in my life! SOOoooo this morning he came over (unannounced) to drop off money. When he was saying goodbye to the kids I got super brave and said, "I'd really like it if you said bye to me too when you leave." I can't believe I said that! lol! that is sooo not like me.
He didn't respond. Instead looked ashamed. I thought (this is the old me thinking), "he doesn't want to; I'm forcing him; he doesn't love me..." I almost said, "forget it. I'm sorry I asked." But but but I DIDN'T! Another milestone for me!
So he came around the counter and hugged me :-D And did it again before going to the gym :-D :-D
I'd like to blame it on DB n Al Anon! Thank God for both!
So has anyone googled Total Eclipse by Dan Band? They are hilarious!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
oh and about H spending the week, I'm going to take everyone's advice into account when this conversation comes up, which should be shortly since it's about a week away...
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
What's going on? Is it a full moon or something? It's like everyone is having THE R TALK lately. Hope it goes well. No matter what, remember to take it all lightly and have no expectations. Life is more fun that way.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
yes, yes, yes! i would love to live in california! everytime i think of that place, it brings mystical and magical things to my imagination!
and i LOVE yosemite! been there twice and would just like to plop down a log cabin of my own, anywhere in the park, and live out the remainder of my life! so beautiful.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
