Is he done if he's moved in with OW?

[Norfolkdumpling]

Hi all,

Firstly apologies for length of post in advance, think it'll be a big one. Synopsis of my situation, my H and I together 17 years, mostly happy so I thought. His Dad died in 2008 and he became increasingly distant emotionally. I confess I was a pretty rubbish wife during this time, as he got more distant I nagged and persued him.

BD1 and OW1 Nov 2011
False R from Dec 2011 until July 2012 when he gets distant again.
BD2 Aug 2012 he's involved with OW1 and OW2 (old sexual liaison never a gf as such)
He dumps OW1 and moves out early Sept 2012

Pretence of living at his Mums since moving out, but in fact with OW2 every spare second when not at work. He's planning hols, they've had romantic hotel breaks, days and nights out with her and her two kids. Seems he's doing all the stuff I longed for, and what we did at the start of our romance.

I've done the pleading, begging, reasoning stuff, I've been NC (as much as I can, we work together) for a few weeks now. It's given us space to breathe, I present myself as content with my life in his company. Also not asking for anything, and not giving up any information unless I really have to.

What is getting me down is that I'm not even sure it's MLC. Has anyone else experienced this total obsession with OW and moving in with them immediately? I know she is nothing really, but I just fail to see how I can compete when his focus is on her.

Thanks in advance, ND

[mizjjd]

Hey Norfolk.

I hear your pain and feel for you. This stuff hurts! I don't THINK there is an OW atm, but H had a PA 14 years ago so I know some of what you're talking about. I got the whole "She fills a void" speech H didn't leave for her, but pined for her, or as he told me at the time, any woman who wasn't me. (How can they even SAY that kind of stuff? Mind boggling.)

I don't think you're supposed to "compete" right now. Supposed to work on being the best damn Dumpling the world has ever seen and pay no attention to the alien who resembles your H. Once the intensity of H's OW wears off (and you know it will), and like a child who learns tantrums don't get your attention, H will look around to see what's what. And there you'll be. Rockin' the show.

Of course, none of this is easy. And none of it is quick. So hang in there, and be fabulous!

[Norfolkdumpling]

Thanks Mrsrjd,

I'm really trying to be fabulous but it's a bit grim sometimes. Very confusing! Currently on a holiday that we booked start of July. Meant to be a romantic break for us! I'm here with a friend but find myself longing for him.

Been NC, dropped "our" dog off to work so his Mum can look after him for me. Made sure i was looking good! My H said send a postcard, i was like wtf! So just smiled instead! I don't have a clue where he is or what he's doing. Maybe that's what is so weird, this man who I've been loving/talking/communicating with for nearly two decades is still on this planet, but not with me. So odd he doesn't miss me. :-(

[job]

ND,
Yes, there are quite a few mlcers that jump right into a living arrangement w/the op. They tend to have them waiting in the wings and have little or no thought about living together.

ND, please do not even think of competing w/the ow. The mlcer generally affairs down and that means she's beneath you in many ways. Keep telling yourself that you are the prize. After all, you are!

As for sending him a postcard...I would definitely send one to him just as you would a friend. Enjoy your time away and please get some much needed rest and leave the mlc monster at home. This is your time away to do something fun and exciting for YOU!

Enjoy your holiday!

[mizjjd]

Ain't it something terrible grim Norfolk? Its all so hard and hurtful.

Try to take a "holiday" from even thinking about the sitch while you're away. Just put it on hold, give yourself a break.

It sounds like you're doing well over-all, just having a momentary weak spell. And we all do, so don't beat yourself up over it.

[RegretfulLA]

They want something to cling to right away. This is why so many guys get into "rebound" relationships after breaking up. Patience is hard but it is 100% necessary to do this right.

[nero]

hi dumpling-

(love the name) kind of in same positon myself (after 34+ yrs!) i was just cursing this jerk for not missing me-

i'm here in nj battoning down my hatches because this stupid hurricane is supposed to land on my head tonite or tomorrow-

i'm with you- how in the hell does a man live with you for soooo long- share a life- and then just get all tangled up with some stupid cow of a ow and not even miss our little faces??? my mind is boggled. and how can they even say the dopey things they do?????? again- incredible. and they are even supposed to be "adults"???? my theory is that they keep it inside and when it pops out of their mouth to us- it sounded sooooo good in their head -b ut is so dumb we cringe.

well- i do alot. this h of mine even said "it just happened" - duhhhhh- helllooooo- flying to california for a booty call doesn't "just happen" - flight reservations? what a goober.

i think they go nuts- just act like insane people because they get an opportunity- or have some internet hitchup with some old stupid jerk of a woman (mine) - and it's alll soooo exciting they check brain at door. and become some salivating stupid 18 year old (which maybe lingers in their mentality) all the while they were being normal with us?????


all i can figure. makes me glad to be a woman- doesn't help me feel any better. i want what i had- i want my life back - i want my h back- i hate that i can't do a damn thing about it but sit around like everyone else working on me- and dbing and wondering if i should be or not- ta da.....


gotta go bring in some more bird houses, etc. and find some candles & matches- good luck to you- you sure are not alone- xxo

this guy is down in fl - while i'm here wondering how bad the storms (3) will be- whattarat - he should be here hunkering down with me- i'm a bit pissed- maybe i won't answer for rest of storm and let him think i died - probably make him relieved - oh mannnn........

[Norfolkdumpling]

Thanks guys,

Had a bit of a wobble today, but went for a run in the rain, did aquagym, and the world is looking beautiful again. It helps so much to know you hear me. I have never been great at letting people see my weaknesses. Hence why my H was the go to guy if I needed a hug. He made me feel so safe, but I realised just now he hadn't done that for a long time.

Whilst my family and friends have been awesome, they just don't get it. Some say divorce him, forget him, go out and date, party or whatever. I'm not saying that will never happen but it's so far away right now.

I guess I long for that primal need for human touch, to have a man put his arms around me and know he will protect me, love me. I'm determined and strong, I won't just give up on him because I need some affection, but wow, can I see why people do that.

Snodderly, thanks for reminder about affair down. I know that as an intellectual concept but get caught up in the injustice of it all.

Nero, you take care in NJ sugar. Whilst we are battening down the hatches figuratively, you are doing it literally too. You are amazing, I would be terrified.

Now getting dolled up for dinner, staying in the hotel tonight. Met some wonderful people. My H would never want to talk to "strangers" so in that sense I have been very free. It's kinda liberating. X

[job]

Nero,
I'm in southern MD and it's been very dark here today. The wind has picked up a little bit and we have several periods of drizzle. According to the Weather Team, the wind will begin picking up around 1:00 a.m. and we are under a high wind alert here from 8:00 a.m. Monday to 8:00 p.m. Tuesday night.

As a reminder, which I'm sure you will do any way, fill up your bathtub, check your batteries and tie down anything that you have outside that could be picked up by the winds. If you have large containers, fill them with water and place them in your freezer. If the electric goes out, they will keep your perishables frozen for a short period of time.

Good luck, stay dry and safe.

[Sweetbriar]

Nero,

I am also here waiting out the storm..(Im in VA) and my H is at the OW's house tonight who lives 5 mins from me. I am 5 months pregnant and he never even asked if I needed any help in taking our gazebo down or anything..so I know how you are feeling. Im feeling so sad and angry tonight that he isnt here with me and the kids where he belongs.

My story is on Newcomers, but I also read in this forum because I sometimes think that is is MLC that my H is in and not a WAS. I just dont know. I made a big mistake tonight with regards to our relationship...its all on my other post. I made some bad DBing mistakes tonight and beating myself up for it:(

I just wanted to give you some positive vibes...especially with the storm coming! I know just how you are feeling.