I would say continue on until you can't. No harm in giving your children some more good memories as long as you're comfortable.
I'd agree with this ^^^^^ !
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I don't know what the future holds. Even staring in the face of a d, my hope is still strong. I know I shouldn't put much faith in statistics, but hey I am optimistic. They say 14% of d's are reconciled. So out of 100, 14 make it. How many of those involved some type of abuse? How many of them really shouldn't have ever happened? How many of those were two people where neither wanted to try? How many of those were LBS that embraced the anger and blew all their chances? Huh, so your telling me there's a chance. I am not naive, and I feel like I am getting to a good place, but there is always hope. And I believe I need to be at that place where I am at peace with imagining Christmas with somebody else. Be it my w after she has worked out what she is going through or someone else.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Another thing to add, as hard as it will be on me, and probably my w, I will never use the kids the kids to get a reaction out of her. I should not even considered it.
Quick story, I have a coworker that was LBS about a year and a half ago, I told him today how my s had a really tough time being dropped of yesterday. He told me how that was a good chance to put some guilt on my w. I told him she was there, she saw what I saw, and she has to deal with it in her own way.
It was a really good reminder of why choosing this path with all of you is so much healthier. Whether or not my r is ever born again.
I know I am a good person, but without everyone here I would probably still be treading water, rather than doing the doggy paddle. Thank you all!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I don't know what the future holds. Even staring in the face of a d, my hope is still strong. I know I shouldn't put much faith in statistics, but hey I am optimistic. They say 14% of d's are reconciled. So out of 100, 14 make it. How many of those involved some type of abuse? How many of them really shouldn't have ever happened? How many of those were two people where neither wanted to try? How many of those were LBS that embraced the anger and blew all their chances? Huh, so your telling me there's a chance. I am not naive, and I feel like I am getting to a good place, but there is always hope. And I believe I need to be at that place where I am at peace with imagining Christmas with somebody else. Be it my w after she has worked out what she is going through or someone else.
Quite right my friend. And to top it off, as long as the kids are home, we'll always be a part of our spouse's life and they of ours, so as long as we don't burn bridges by letting our anger dictate our actions and words and say of do something we can't take back, there is still hope.
Cheers my friend. This cheered me up.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
My w seems to think that we will spend the childrens' b-days together, and do Christmas morning together among other things. Part of me thinks I should, but I am conflicted. We are not one big happy family anymore, I don't want to say no for the sake of the children. The reality is, if we can't make this work, at some point there will be someone else in each of our lives. Can't imagine they would feel to comfortable Christmas morning with a XW there.
H seems to think the SAME about family events. As I read this I pictured new person sitting on the couch watching X n kids open the gifts at Xmas. How awkward is that?!!
Or how about at Thanksgiving??! Yeah, I'm thankful that my X and new person are here with me at Thanksgiving???!!! Seriously, I am liberal in some ways but not this one!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My w seems to think that we will spend the childrens' b-days together, and do Christmas morning together among other things. Part of me thinks I should, but I am conflicted. We are not one big happy family anymore, I don't want to say no for the sake of the children. The reality is, if we can't make this work, at some point there will be someone else in each of our lives. Can't imagine they would feel to comfortable Christmas morning with a XW there.
H seems to think the SAME about family events. As I read this I pictured new person sitting on the couch watching X n kids open the gifts at Xmas. How awkward is that?!!
Or how about at Thanksgiving??! Yeah, I'm thankful that my X and new person are here with me at Thanksgiving???!!! Seriously, I am liberal in some ways but not this one!
No. And it is important to give them the opportunity to see what the future will be like without you. The sooner the better.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Just when I was starting to feel pretty good, this whole thing comes up. I really am torn about this. The kids are the most important thing to me, but she is the one that thinks they are better off with us being apart.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I don't know what the future holds. Even staring in the face of a d, my hope is still strong. I know I shouldn't put much faith in statistics, but hey I am optimistic. They say 14% of d's are reconciled. So out of 100, 14 make it.
I think MrBond was the one that posted this, but it's a good article about the fallacy of divorce making things better:
Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.1 But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.
And do people who stay in unhappy marriages stay miserable or even get worse? No, quite the opposite:
Quote:
Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
So what is the magic trick that most of these couples who stayed together used? Prepare to be shocked:
Quote:
In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.
Did you catch that? They did NOTHING!!!!! They just stuck it out, and the problems either resolved themselves or became less important to the M. So how does this dovetail with DB'ing? DB'ing emphasizes working on OURSELVES. NOT on our spouses. It stresses the importance of setting all R, M, D and S talks aside and not talking about it at all. Why? Because with the passage of time these things tend to resolve themselves. But if we beg, plead, pressure and push, we force a conclusion before enough time has passed for things to resolve themselves, and that conclusion is rarely reconciliation.
