Thanks for that. I am very hopeful. I almost see this as a chance at a new start for our relationship. I only hope I can get her to see it that way too!
Can I ask how you turned it around? Its very hard to do the best friend thing and not feel any resentment. I am trying every single day though.
We both took our daughter to a medical appointment this morning (nothing serious)and in the discussions with the doctor there were several moments of tenderness between us. I swear for one moment after that she was going to kiss me goodbye, like she had forgotten everything for a split second.
How do you balance doing 180's (when you know you have taken her love for granted) and not looking like you are pursuing her? I am finding this balance difficult.
Having said that, she is calling me and bbm me several times a day. Im hoping this is a good sign for me as well, plus the fact we are still in the same house and bed?
Anyway, I have my first DB phone session at 3pm today. Hoping for a great start / continuation!
I gave her a lot of space and no pursuing. Did my own thing like dinner by myself or with the kids, got a life without her, treated her more like a roommate. In a way I kinda avoided her unless she wanted to talk.
Hardest part was no intimacy and I mean none. No goodnight kiss, hugs, I love you, nothing. After about 3 months it was easy because I had no expectations. She eventually asked if I would go to marriage counseling and we did about 6 sessions. It sucked for the most part but we started communicating.
Not sure of your sitch but my wife was having a EA with a friend of mine. Once that all came out with the counselor we were able to work out our differences. Her main problem was she felt I took her for granted which is funny because I felt the same way!
Once I found out that women are all about the emotional love before anything physical was going to happen it was much easier to have a game plan.
Best books I read were:
1. Sex starved marriage 2. Divorce remedy 3. 5 love languages 4. The married man sex life primer 2011
Get your confidence back, she will notice and wonder if she is making a big mistake. Don't leave you bed or house, if she is so disappointed let her move out, hopefully it won't come to that, it didn't in my sitch. Good luck, it will take awhile so remember its a marathon not a sprint.
Oh and just for a good laugh watch "Honey badger don't give a sh1t" on youtube. That needs to be you, let all the BS roll off your back.
Shaky
M 42 W 41 S 10 D 7 M 15 Years T 20 Years Divorce busted
At the moment I have no reason to suspect an affair, but many a person has been fooled into belieiving that to be the case. My take on it though is this - if she is having an affair what difference does it make to my situation? None really. I can only work on myself and hope that she sees 'me' her husband and father of her children as her best option in the long term. Anyway, Im jumping way ahead here......
Good day today so far. Wife and I were buying new car before the ILYBINILWY speech. We have still gone ahead an purchased the car. Hopefully that means something!
Still lots of talking and willingness to communicate. She is doing a lot of the initiation of the communication including conversation, BBM messaging, etc.
In some ways its a very strange feeling because our relationship is probably better in a lot of ways than it has been in a while. If I keep going then I have confidence that we can get through this.
She hasnt mentioned seperation in 4 days now. She also made quick reference to our relationship in a conversation earlier where she only said that 'we were not doing so well right now'. That appears to be progress to me!!!!
Would others see it this way? Im curious to know if this is all fairly typical?
Also, even though you know the wife is seeing you change before her eyes, I am guessing its fairly normal for her to be dismissive at this point? Its like no matter what you do, she almost has some negative spin on it? Im sure she is very sceptical of the 'new me' at this point? Its only been 3 weeks. Need to be the honey badger here for sure!
I can live without the physical side of things for as long as it takes. I just want to get our emotional connection back first. The rest should follow that with some hard work and luck.
I refuse to let this get me down! Its hard but I am fighting!
Good day today so far. Wife and I were buying new car before the ILYBINILWY speech. We have still gone ahead an purchased the car. Hopefully that means something!
It means you needed another car. Probably even more so if you split up!
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Still lots of talking and willingness to communicate. She is doing a lot of the initiation of the communication including conversation, BBM messaging, etc.
In some ways its a very strange feeling because our relationship is probably better in a lot of ways than it has been in a while. If I keep going then I have confidence that we can get through this.
She hasnt mentioned seperation in 4 days now. She also made quick reference to our relationship in a conversation earlier where she only said that 'we were not doing so well right now'. That appears to be progress to me!!!!
Would others see it this way? Im curious to know if this is all fairly typical?
Yes, I see these things as positives too. Just don't allow yourself to get too excited. You have a long ways to go and there's bound to be some negatives coming your way, which will leave you crashing hard if you get your hopes up to much. Your goal here is to level out the emotional roller coaster ride you are now on. Besides, real progress is tracked in weeks or months, not days.
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Also, even though you know the wife is seeing you change before her eyes, I am guessing its fairly normal for her to be dismissive at this point? Its like no matter what you do, she almost has some negative spin on it? Im sure she is very sceptical of the 'new me' at this point? Its only been 3 weeks. Need to be the honey badger here for sure!
She's thinking "Too little, Too late". Mine told me that her and her girlfriend think it's funny how the husbands finally "get it" once the wife threatens to leave. So yeah, to them it's not real, we're only doing it because we're scared! (and to be honest we are) Don't let this discourage you, just stay on course, it sounds like you're doing fine.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I am most certainly scared! Scared to lose my best freind, someone I expected to share my entire life with and also scared for the future of my children. I cannot imagine even spending one day without them under my roof. With lots of hard work and some good grace, I pray I never have to find out how that feels.
At the moment I have no reason to suspect an affair, but many a person has been fooled into belieiving that to be the case.
Don't spy, pry, etc. There may not be an OP. There wasn't in my case. If there is then you will find out sooner or later (probably sooner).
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My take on it though is this - if she is having an affair what difference does it make to my situation? None really. I can only work on myself and hope that she sees 'me' her husband and father of her children as her best option in the long term.
Exactly! It's like I said in another thread, even if there was a PA it's not like my W and I were virgins when we met, yet we still fell in love. There's no reason we couldn't again.
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In some ways its a very strange feeling because our relationship is probably better in a lot of ways than it has been in a while. If I keep going then I have confidence that we can get through this.
That's great, but don't have any expectations!! I see it happen here time and time again where there are some rays of hope and then the WAS drops the D or S bomb and the LBS is crushed.
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She hasnt mentioned seperation in 4 days now. She also made quick reference to our relationship in a conversation earlier where she only said that 'we were not doing so well right now'. That appears to be progress to me!!!!
I would view that as a baby step, which means yes, it is progress, but just celebrate it internally and keep on DB'ing like nothing happened.
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Im curious to know if this is all fairly typical?
Unfortunately it is typical for things to swing up and then back down again. That's why it's important not to have expectations. Enjoy the high points and don't be too surprised at the low points. That's why detachment is so important, you don't want the crazy swings to affect you too much.
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I am guessing its fairly normal for her to be dismissive at this point? Its like no matter what you do, she almost has some negative spin on it? Im sure she is very sceptical of the 'new me' at this point? Its only been 3 weeks.
Quite right, she doesn't believe it's permanent. She thinks you're just doing parlor tricks to earn her back, and that if she returns you'll just go back to old behavior. And she may be right. That's why it's so important to stick to the 180's and make them a permanent part of you.
ForeverYoung beat me to it, that's what I get for leaving a post up for hours while doing other stuff before finally reading it and typing a reply So yes, what FY said!
I am most certainly scared! Scared to lose my best freind, someone I expected to share my entire life with and also scared for the future of my children. I cannot imagine even spending one day without them under my roof. With lots of hard work and some good grace, I pray I never have to find out how that feels.
I am too, but not nearly as much as I was a few months ago. The key is to not let it show. Be cool and confident, and concentrate on your own life. Once you decide that you'll be fine on your own if it comes to that, this becomes easier to do. We may really want them, but the truth is we don't need them.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hey you are getting great advice here...I just want to add one more thing- I am not sure if it has been mentioned but you need to try to rid yourself of some of that angst....I have been running a lot and joined the gym...you don't want to always be in fight or flight mode...you need to burn some of that off...exercise is a great stress reliever and she might start to wonder or worry....
Also practice thought stopping...when you are thinking negative thoughts etc..stop and think something else...I was saying the same things you are now two months ago and I still have my moments...they are swings...but you are probably a great guy..and if she doesn't want you there are a lot of other women who would love to be in her shoes...thats how you need to think---don't let fear be your guide...
So yes, what FY said!