If I were MIR's wife, and you delivered an "I won't share you with another man" speech to me RIGHT AFTER ROMANCING ME AND SPENDING TIME WITH ME FOR TWO WEEKS . . .
I think I would think "He's afraid to lose me; he's not going anywhere."
well it all depends what comes after that. i.e., if he follows up, as I wrote before.
if he would give her the "I'm not sharing you" speech and *then* romanced her for 2 weeks, then maybe she could reach that conclusion because in *that* case his actions would contradict his words.
but that isn't what he said he is going to do. he is going to romance her for 2 weeks as a sample of how good things could be with him (while she doesn't know that he knows about OM); and *then* he is going to give her the "I'm not sharing you" speech. if he then follows up by carrying out what he said - cutting off contact if she continues to see OM - then she will not think "he's afraid to lose me - he's not going anywhere" because he will not be there!
the purpose of romancing her for 2 weeks is because without that she will be comparing "the old MIR" with OM. he wants her to know that he is now a great guy to be with - and she will know what she is losing if she chooses OM.
but certainly, after he gives her the "I'm not sharing you" speech, he needs to carry it out. otherwise the effort is worthless.
If I were MIR's wife, and you delivered an "I won't share you with another man" speech to me RIGHT AFTER ROMANCING ME AND SPENDING TIME WITH ME FOR TWO WEEKS . . .
I think I would think "He's afraid to lose me; he's not going anywhere."
well it all depends what comes after that. i.e., if he follows up, as I wrote before.
if he would give her the "I'm not sharing you" speech and *then* romanced her for 2 weeks, then maybe she could reach that conclusion because in *that* case his actions would contradict his words.
The timing doesn't matter, in my opinion. Because she will know that HE knew (about her affair), the entire time he was romancing her, his actions will have ALREADY spoken louder than his words.
He's taking a basic "I really, REALLY mean it this time!" position, and that doesn't work.
the purpose of romancing her for 2 weeks is because without that she will be comparing "the old MIR" with OM. he wants her to know that he is now a great guy to be with - and she will know what she is losing if she chooses OM.
I understand the rationale behind the whole "Plan A" thing. And I happen to BELIEVE in it (for a limited period of time). I just think there are other ways to show this, besides an "I knew all about your affair, but I pursued and romanced you anyway" strategy.
I think he could use an example as an alternative course consideration.
Great question, J3B. MIR, you seem confident in your currently-planned course of action, but if you're genuinely open to looking at alternatives, I can make some suggestions for you. Your call.
So here is where things stand as of this morning. I will be addressing certain points from many past posts as I am revewing them so here goes:
I would like advice on confronting in a loving way. And the setting of boundaries so that they are focusing on ME not her. With the first boundary being I will not try to fix the M with an OM in the picture ( but do I relegate her to other room or out of house until she quits A?? this was the essence of a previous ? of mine where I want to be firm but not push her to OM.) A second boundary is that I want us to go to counseling to help resolve the issues here. And a third point I need to bring up (but again not sure how to phrase) is how will she regain MY trust??
We do not have any children ( part of the growing divide and how things were handled at the time highlighted in previous posts) but pets that we absolutely love, so pressure applied via this route will not be possible.
Yes I am scared, but not fearful. I am building myself up in order to be able to stand tall when the confrontation happens. And I am not waiting indefinitely.
My plan is still to confront in 1.5 wks after this trip. This will actually coincide with being able to shore up some financial things as it so happens to "gain some cards" and for her to realize I am serious about this. Yes it has taken time to get to this point and it will take longer to fix the problem, but since I first had a discussion with my wife (3 weeks ago) about our relationship with no mention of A (maybe not right approach, but it is what I did) and how I needed to change things around for ME and she has taken to the changes. Yes there has been digital contact w OM but nothing else and the frequency is less. And this next trip we are taking will be great. And yes part of this trip is for me to let her see the changes I have made are permanent and for her to spend more time with the new Me.
The problem is that they are trying to meet up BEFORE we go and this I will not/can't let happen for my own mental health, and the purposes of keeping them apart while W and I spend time together. I am going to try and eliminate this from happening, enjoy the trip then "drop the hammer" once we get back. Yes I want my W back, but I am coming to terms with your help to realize that if she turns away from me after being confronted then what really was the loss?
And yes Starsky while I am hoping to carry out things according to this plan of action i am always open for more information and ideas. That is why I am here for the help of the community.
The problem is that they are trying to meet up BEFORE we go and this I will not/can't let happen for my own mental health, and the purposes of keeping them apart while W and I spend time together. I am going to try and eliminate this from happening, enjoy the trip then "drop the hammer" once we get back.
How are you going to stop it without reverting back to old bad habits, without looking controling, obsessive, possesive or like a stalker?
If they do meet, when they do meet does that mean the trip doesn't happen? Does she know this? If she doesn't woul dthis reaction be old habit?
The trip itself is a problem.
The trip isn't going to magically fix everything, it won't wake her up, and I think your pinning this hope on the trip being this magic bullet that does wake her up.
A two week trip...hell a 4 week trip isn't long enough to prove to her that you have changed for good.
That trip, if what I said is remotely true, if you have attached some sort of unrealistic goal to it, the trip is setting you up to fail. When it doesn't work out your anger will take over and that will be ok because you tried and the trip didn't work.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The problem is that they are trying to meet up BEFORE we go and this I will not/can't let happen for my own mental health, and the purposes of keeping them apart while W and I spend time together. I am going to try and eliminate this from happening, enjoy the trip then "drop the hammer" once we get back.
How are you going to stop it without reverting back to old bad habits, without looking controling, obsessive, possesive or like a stalker?
If they do meet, when they do meet does that mean the trip doesn't happen? Does she know this? If she doesn't woul dthis reaction be old habit?
The trip itself is a problem.
The trip isn't going to magically fix everything, it won't wake her up, and I think your pinning this hope on the trip being this magic bullet that does wake her up.
A two week trip...hell a 4 week trip isn't long enough to prove to her that you have changed for good.
That trip, if what I said is remotely true, if you have attached some sort of unrealistic goal to it, the trip is setting you up to fail. When it doesn't work out your anger will take over and that will be ok because you tried and the trip didn't work.
So here is where things stand as of this morning. I will be addressing certain points from many past posts as I am revewing them so here goes:
I would like advice on confronting in a loving way. And the setting of boundaries so that they are focusing on ME not her. With the first boundary being I will not try to fix the M with an OM in the picture ( but do I relegate her to other room or out of house until she quits A?? this was the essence of a previous ? of mine where I want to be firm but not push her to OM.) A second boundary is that I want us to go to counseling to help resolve the issues here. And a third point I need to bring up (but again not sure how to phrase) is how will she regain MY trust?? MIR
Ok boundaries.
They do not control.
You say what you have decided that you will not be in a relationship where adultery is happening. That she is free to leave the house and commit adultery.
Then state what you will do if she crosses that boundary. Such as you will file for divorce based on the grounds of Adultery.
You do not tell her that you will change for her. You do not beg. You do not yell. You do not cry away. You do not offer carrots or sticks. You do not say I will punish you or reward you.
You state your thoughts calmly and then you leave to let them sink in.
It is not a discussion or an argument. It is you stating your boundaries. There is no discussions about a boundary.
A boundary is a boundary.
If she breaks it.
Then you carry through in your plans to shore up the finances. Stop with R talks and what ever else you have decided.
It is her choice to work on the marriage or to commit adultery. There is nothing you can say or do to stop it from happening.
You can only state that you do not want it to happen and your actions if it does happen.
It is her choice to commit it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
