As I am a bit newer to this site, I would like to know if you each have successfully saved your marriages, etc. This would help me understand where you are coming from a bit.
As I tried to express, the past PA is not a deal breaker to me as far as saving the marriage. I have come to terms with it and although it does hurt at times still, I do want to move forward. But to me, this means she and I, the two of us, hence my comment that I feel we cant move on until the A is exposed and she states to me that she wants to work on us.
Should I just google personal non-negotiable boundaries or can you direct me somewhere?
This may be answered by reading aobut the above, but I should tell her that I know there is an A, but then not offer proof if asked? Should I need to counter if she denies it?
And forgive me for confronting here, but it seems that this advise jumps straight to an ultimatum "She is free to choose that marriage or to D and go be with the OM", am I understanding this properly?
Thank you for the input.
Boundary is a idea or concept that you live with. It is for you. It is not to control anyone but yourself.
There are some good threads on this site about boundaries. But I will have to search for them
Some good reading material is ( I assume you have the great books by Michele from this site )
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding...Shirley P. Glass Hold On to Your Nuts!:Wayne M. Levine Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life : Henry Cloud What ever your country/state laws are for D and find out how men have fared. "His Needs, Her Needs," by Dr. Harley.
If you search for those and personal boundaries , You will start to get a few websites that you can read up on the concept of boundaries.
Always remember a boundary is not used to control someone. They are used to control what you find acceptable in your life. The other person is free to cross your boundary but when they do you enact the other aspect of your boundary. Your defense from those actions. Boundaries are about choices.
I am sure Starksy or some other member can come on here and link a few of the good threads explaining about boundaries.
Again thanks for further clarification and thank you for the transparency link and for sharing what you did there. It appears that I am trying a hybrid approach as well because this seems to be what works. and as I have seen mentioned here one should seek out what works.
As for applying principles from 5LL, I took that approach because when my W and I sat down and had the initial conversation, I said that i was amidst making changes and there were some that she mentioned. this helped me to define and understand the differences in languages and since our (lack of)communication is a big part of the problem I am utilizing it to try and effectively communicate better. I am not relying on it solely as the fix.
Eric,
I assume you meant chatters not "cutters" approach.
I think your suggestion is great and have been trying to figure out how to do that. The deal is that I work and W has day off and following. After that we are on the longer trip and I just know that that trip will be great and do alot for us as a couple. This is why I really want to try and avoid her having contact w OM before then. Also I was then going to try and confront after the long trip in a manner that is fitting with the progress that we have attained. Unfortunately I just don't have the freedom to take as many days off. My only other option that I can see is to confront the nite before their planned day or possibly leave a letter, make a phone call/check in, etc. Each has its pros/cons.....any ideas??
I assume you meant chatters not "cutters" approach.
Ayep - typo.
MIR, this is a tough one dude. I think you need to really layout the pros and cons for yourself and in your sitch. Remember, everyone here is different, our sitchs are different, the people involved are different. It really is not a one size fits all.
That said, you have made some progress with her and I don't think you want to reverse that. So, what does YOUR GUT tell you to do? Your male instinct?
IMO, this is a very sticky sitch, if you confront just as she is breaking it off with OM, well then you'll need to deal with the anger that may ensue instead of focusing on the solutions that appear to be working for you. On the flip side, if you do not confront before the your trip with her, then chances are it will be eating you up inside during the trip and it may come out and not come out in a "loving" way.
Another thing to consider...is your not wanting to confront her based in FEAR that you will lose her and so you are willing to accept this instead - or is it that you really feel that things are going smooth and now is not the time to confront her. Just know that once that door is open you can't close it. Once you bring it up, ya can't take it back. You will need to deal with it. Have the changes that you made really stuck? Have you given your changes enough time?
Starsky may be able to provide another perspective here.
My advice and take it for what it is worth.....Since you cannot take a day off from work and surprise her with a nice lunch or dinner (and FTR, I think taking the day off, even if you are not going to get paid is a worthwhile investment), then I would not say a word - YET. I would set an internal timeline for myself i.e. if we have a great trip and she does not end it in X days, then I will confront. I would also find out the legal ramification of if you confront and she decided or you do to D. You would want to be armed with the facts so that you can make the right choice for YOU.
I'll leave you with this....
Only you know what it truly best for you. A lot of time we are scared of change, scared of conflict and so we make choices based on fear instead of a place of health.
Make sure YOU understand why you are going to do what you are going to do.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
thanks for the reading material. I will be sure to check it out. as for the phone call you referenced. Any confronting with discussions of the A will be done IN PERSON. this I already know. I was alluding to the phone call to try and disrupt the rendezvous from occurring at the time if I am unable to get out of work. Last resort basically.
Eric,
I am leaning more towards that same idea of taking a few days off to mimic her schedule paid or otherwise. I am thinking of approaching it as a chance to spend time together preparing for our trip and getting things done around the house, kind of a fall cleaning event.
That would get us to the week long trip, and then my plan will be to use that a spring board to how good things can be but that I need a commitment from her to US, and that a third party is not going to be acceptable.
To all of you helping me here please check back frequently during the next few days if you don't mind. not sure when I will be able to get something up (especially after tomorrow afternoon) but this feedback is invaluable and is helping me chart a course of action for myself.
Only you know what it truly best for you. A lot of time we are scared of change, scared of conflict and so we make choices based on fear instead of a place of health.
Make sure YOU understand why you are going to do what you are going to do.
You should print this out and read it over and over until it sinks in.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I think you have been given great advice but I do have a soapbox issue:
You should NOT sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else.
The moment I found about my ex's affair partner (who was married too) I went to the Dr. and he did too at my insistence.
I was negative, he was positive.
Please make sure you understand your life time commitment to your body and health.
I am sorry you are in this situation but STD's are no joke and someone exposing you to them without your knowledge is sh*tty!
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Also - let me just say, don't jump to any conclusions.
By your own admission, you have just begun making changes, and things are going well. But it would be foolish to expect that your wife immediately trusts your changes are permanent and dumps the OM.
She is probably going through a time of confusion, and it may not serve you to bring up the affair quite yet.
What if you KNEW that this meeting with OM next week, was going to be her opportunity to tell him it's over? Or, what if you knew that she was going to see him and he was going to suffer by comparison to the new you, thus leading her to break it off?
Either of those scenarios are possible. You may want to be just a little more patient and see how things pan out.
