While I know that I could have possible went against certain DB principles, ultimately I am happy with my decision to tell my wife that I would not be seeking the divorce because it is in fact not what I want. However, I do feel a hint of question that it could be playing into her "cake eating". I know that I am lucky to still be in the same house, but I can't help but feel like I am being used as nothing more than a "Sugar Daddy" without any physical benefits!
Overall, the past couple of days have been the norm. Wife and I are getting along and talking (No R talk). Yesterday, I left work and passed my W and D4 on the road inside our neighborhood. I pulled into my driveway, fully expecting W to turn around and drop D4 off at home since I was now home. I waited for a minute, but since the weather was beautiful, I changed clothes and got on the motorcycle and went for a ride. While I was out, I went to the mall to go to the bookstore (of course looking for any new relationship books). I pulled into the parking lot and to my suprise, I see my W and D4 pulling out of a spot for a store right next to the bookstore. W pulled over to where I was at and we greeted each other. She jokingly said "guess that GPS unit works", refering to my snoping in the past and how sometimes she thought that I may have put a GPS tracker on her car. I laughed and jokingly said "yes, it works well". We talked for about 5 minutes or so, each sharing our day. She started showing me some things that she got for D4's hair and other stuff. They had Chocolate Covered pretzels and i was laughing about D4 having chocolate all over her face. W offered me the remainder and I declined but thanked her. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was looking for a book for my college classes. We said our goodbyes and I went into the store and she left.
When I got home, I was a little frustrated because there was absolutely no plan for dinner. She had been home all day but did not take anything out of the freezer or make an alternate plan. I kept my frustratoin to myself and figured out what to make. We had dinner as a family again last night, and we had a pretty good family conversation. After dinner, she went to the bedroom to, i guess, study. I stayed downstairs and cleaned the kitchen, then started watching the Presidential Debate. I texted her that the Debate was on if she wanted to watch. (We watched most of the last one together) She said that "If you do my homework, I will watch the debate", then "guess not . I told her I recorded it if she wanted to watch it later and she said Thanks. That was the end of the conversation last night.
Just journaling thoughts today. Nothing new to really ask or bring up.
When I got home, I was a little frustrated because there was absolutely no plan for dinner. She had been home all day but did not take anything out of the freezer or make an alternate plan. I kept my frustratoin to myself and figured out what to make. We had dinner as a family again last night, and we had a pretty good family conversation. After dinner, she went to the bedroom to, i guess, study. I stayed downstairs and cleaned the kitchen, then started watching the Presidential Debate. I texted her that the Debate was on if she wanted to watch. (We watched most of the last one together) She said that "If you do my homework, I will watch the debate", then "guess not . I told her I recorded it if she wanted to watch it later and she said Thanks. That was the end of the conversation last night.
Just journaling thoughts today. Nothing new to really ask or bring up.
Sounds like you have a little more clarity. Now you have to actually learn to DB and find what will work.
As to the comment that I quote above... get used to it man. The first thing that you need to understand is that she does not see the situation the same as you. She is divorced from you emotionally... That means that you are divorced. So don't expect dinner, tender kisses goodnight, to hear 'I love you', etc. You are no longer married. Accept that and then you can begin...
Your broad goals need to be 1) work on improving yourself, becoming the man that YOU want to be, 1a) Creating a whole new R/M with your W.
Goal # 1 is necessary for goal 1a.
And if you fail to achieve goal 1a? You walk out of this a better man.
That's why you can't lose IF you actually put your mind to this.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Behind you all the way AML Focus on you first and R/M second
But be kind - strong on the inside, soft on the outside - is my motto perhaps for a guy it might be - strong on the inside, gentle on the outside - IDK but it's working for me.
I have spent the past 6 weeks on me and am in a much stronger place to deal with H/R/M, thanks to all the support from the board - use it to your advantage there is a lot of wisdom here so no need to reinvent the wheel.
I know I will be 100% now whatever happens.
PS I see folk are posting to your old thread today I have pointed them here - hope that's ok You might want to read what they wrote
I did post a rather lengthy post to you and just spent about an hour not finding it.
May I make a suggestion? Please PLEASE break your posts into smaller paragraphs.
Complete one thought or idea or suggestion, per ONE paragraph.
It's Much easier for us to keep track of where we are, when reading long posts. I don't mind reading them at all, but if I can separate the pargraphs and thoughts, it's easier to follow long posts and perhaps interject now and then.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Sounds like you have a little more clarity. Now you have to actually learn to DB and find what will work.
As to the comment that I quote above... get used to it man. The first thing that you need to understand is that she does not see the situation the same as you. She is divorced from you emotionally... That means that you are divorced. So don't expect dinner, tender kisses goodnight, to hear 'I love you', etc. You are no longer married. Accept that and then you can begin...
Your broad goals need to be 1) work on improving yourself, becoming the man that YOU want to be, 1a) Creating a whole new R/M with your W.
Goal # 1 is necessary for goal 1a.
And if you fail to achieve goal 1a? You walk out of this a better man.
That's why you can't lose IF you actually put your mind to this.
First off, thanks for sticking around Denver. I can imaging its frustrating on you end. As far as the what I had said about dinner, Believe me, I know that the W and I are in two different places when it comes to the R. I DO NOT expect her to have dinner waiting on me when I get home from work, ir hugs and kisses, or anything. What I want is for her to at least SHARE the responsibility with the kids and home. It seems she has absolutely NO desire for being a mother either. I know it sounds harsh, but thats what it seems like.
I would like for her to help with the cooking, yes to assist me, but more for the kids. My wife seems to stay in our room (more like her room now) pretty much the entire evening. She comes down when its time for dinner, or she wants to talk, but then right back to the MBR.
I have continued to give her space and not follow her around. I pretty much stay downstairs with the kids and watch tv with them, play, etc. The crazy thing is, things have all in all been really good between the W and I. We have been talking a lot. When she wants to of course. She has called me a couple of times at work to share news. Last week, she called me out of the blue to tell me that she had a job interview at a place where she applied. She really shows interest in working here. I told her “congratulations on getting the interview and told her I was proud of her” The last couple of days she has distanced herself a little more but I have not really let it bother me. I continue to doing what I need to do, and I act as if I am happy as hell doing it, which for the most part I am. I love hanging out with my kids, cooking for them, etc.. Oh well. More to follow.
I did read your posts on my other thread and NO YOU DIDNT SCARE ME OFF! WOW!! Talk about some huge 2x4s. My head still hurts. I am still going through them with a fine tooth comb, but you are for the most part, and I truly mean MOST, correct! Thank you and I know I will be reaching out to you, Tumbling and Denver when I categorize (and shorten) my specific goals and questions.
Sounds like you have a little more clarity. Now you have to actually learn to DB and find what will work.
As to the comment that I quote above... get used to it man. The first thing that you need to understand is that she does not see the situation the same as you. She is divorced from you emotionally... That means that you are divorced. So don't expect dinner, tender kisses goodnight, to hear 'I love you', etc. You are no longer married. Accept that and then you can begin...
Your broad goals need to be 1) work on improving yourself, becoming the man that YOU want to be, 1a) Creating a whole new R/M with your W.
Goal # 1 is necessary for goal 1a.
And if you fail to achieve goal 1a? You walk out of this a better man.
That's why you can't lose IF you actually put your mind to this.
First off, thanks for sticking around Denver. I can imaging its frustrating on you end. As far as the what I had said about dinner, Believe me, I know that the W and I are in two different places when it comes to the R. I DO NOT expect her to have dinner waiting on me when I get home from work, ir hugs and kisses, or anything. What I want is for her to at least SHARE the responsibility with the kids and home. It seems she has absolutely NO desire for being a mother either. I know it sounds harsh, but thats what it seems like.
I would like for her to help with the cooking, yes to assist me, but more for the kids. My wife seems to stay in our room (more like her room now) pretty much the entire evening. She comes down when its time for dinner, or she wants to talk, but then right back to the MBR.
I have continued to give her space and not follow her around. I pretty much stay downstairs with the kids and watch tv with them, play, etc. The crazy thing is, things have all in all been really good between the W and I. We have been talking a lot. When she wants to of course. She has called me a couple of times at work to share news. Last week, she called me out of the blue to tell me that she had a job interview at a place where she applied. She really shows interest in working here. I told her “congratulations on getting the interview and told her I was proud of her” The last couple of days she has distanced herself a little more but I have not really let it bother me. I continue to doing what I need to do, and I act as if I am happy as hell doing it, which for the most part I am. I love hanging out with my kids, cooking for them, etc.. Oh well. More to follow.
Keep doing that for now. Just give her space and time. Much of this she needs to figure out on her own.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It seems like I have not been on here in weeks....but its only been a few days. Also looking back over this post and thinking about my sitch right now, it feels like its been several months. But again, its been a couple of weeks!!!WTF!! I am still trying to be patient. I think I can say IO have done a very good job at dropping the rope! There have been no R talk, no arguements, lots of talking (still when she wants it), I have been detached and giving her space. Things have still been the norm over the past few weeks as far as what she does around the house, but I have not let it bother me like it used to. I am still frustrated about a lot of things but I am not letting it show. We have been getting along really well.
Sometimes I can tell that she is trying to "distance" herself. An Example of this is when she calls me when I am at work, she will keep her tone and the ways she speaks to me as almost business like. Its weird.
The thing that I am having the hardest time dealing with (ready for the 2x4s) is how I feel like I am being used!!! She still goes out a lot. She says its to this friend's house or that friends house (all female of course). I feel like I am a sucker. I know she texts other guys (whom she may consider friends for all i know) but there of course is never any mention of them. I just can't help but to feel like I am getting played. I KNOW!!! She said that she doesnt want to be married, but I still think the way she is acting is extremely disrespectful to me, and our marriage, regardless of its state.
I have still not really GAL. I have been so busy with work and college, I am just having a hard time finding time. Hopefully things at work calm down here in the next couple of weeks. I can hopefully be able to finish my college during work hours (yes I am very lucky to be able to do that) and refocus time on me. I do have to travel overseas here in the next couple of weeks. Maybe I can use that to re-energize me!
Had a little arguements with my W a few minutes ago. It all started with her wanting to show me a music video on YouTube. It's called "Thrift Store" or something like that. A made a comment about how her and D15 really enjoy the song and thinks its funny. W said it is a little inappropriate so younger kids haven't heard it, but D15 "hears a lot worse in the hallway at school" i didnt think it could be too bad because of how light hearted W portayed it to be. I said ok and went to watch it. W came in the room and so did D4 and S10. I started to play it just as they walked in, wife was standing there and said something like "oh go on, can't shelter them " so I hit play again. After the first "F" and "MF" combo I quickly stopped it and sent the kids out of the room. I played it once they left. There were a lot more "Fs" and "MFs" and "c?&k" and ...... Everything. Any curse word tou can imagine.
Now I must say for my personal sense of humor, the song was kind of funny, but I look at W and said how I can't believe she let D15 hear this. She again said something about her hearing worse at school. I told her that I disapproved and there was a difference in knowing what may or may not go on at school and condoning my daughter listening to that music. Needless to say the W got mad and said she didn't like me questioning her parenting. WTF is that. I first said "I'm not questioning, I just don't agree with it". She stomped off.
Who is this woman? It's not the old W for sure! It just adds to my suspicion of MLC because it seems like she wants to be D15s friend! Did I do anything wrong? Does anyone else see her side of this?
. I told her I recorded it if she wanted to watch it later and she said Thanks. That was the end of the conversation last night.