I'm sorry to read that AML. I guess if you're done, you're done. Do you still feel that way?
Keep posting here - we will support you in going onwards wherever the road goes
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Her, well still going where she pleases, when she pleases, still cake eating, spending money, staying out till 2 am or 4 am! I have continued to act "as-if". I go to work, come home early and find things to do with the kids, stay out of her way. Give her space. Let her do her thing.
Well you've done good DB'ing. I tend to agree with your early assumption that your W is MLC. Based on your descriptions it sure sounds like she goes monster regularly and acts like an alien has taken her over her body, two of the more obvious signs of MLC. Unfortunately there's just not a lot you can do other than leave her to it.
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I had had enough of being called a "f'n a$$hole" and I got the paperwork for divorce and told her to sign it.
Can't say I blame you. I don't think I could tolerate much of that kind of behavior from my W either. It could take years for her to come out of the tunnel and maybe D will give you the space that YOU need to survive it.
Physical D isn't the end of the R, it's just a piece of paper. Emotional D doesn't happen until you decide to drop the rope for good.
So I've been Dark for the last day or so. Wife started texting today about small stuff. She then called me. I answered her questions but was to the point. She started in on her "woo is me" stuff and I kinda lost it. I ended the call and she tried calling back a couple of times. I texted her to stop calling and that I had a had time talking to someone that wished me dead. She texted back profusely apologizing. I did not answer. Then I got this text:
"I am also sorry for all of this; I'm sorry for hurting you; for feeling like I have no choice but to break up our family to finally feel happy; I'm sorry that I spent so many years thinking I was telling you how unhappy I was, but all along, I was crying out in the wrong language; I'm sorry for the future heartache this will bring-looking back on fond memories and all the "what ifs;" I'm sorry for any and all pain and suffer I have, am, and will cause you.... And I mean this with all of my heart (cold as it may be, it's still feels)" .
Not sure what to do with it. I have not texted her back. It seems the more mad I am with her or the more "dark" the nicer she is to me.
You did the right thing by remaining mostly dark. Her text is a good sign, at least she is aware of what she has done and caused. Words are easy, of course. If you have the stamina to remain rather dark in the next days and weeks you could observe if she'll follow through. Watch her actions.
Hey all. Took a couple days break from the board to help clear my thoughts and at least try to decide once and for all what I really want. (Thanks Denver). I have been kind of "dark" for the past few days after the last spat with W and her extremely hurtful comment about me "Dying in a firey crash". A day or so later, she was texting and calling about little things. I answered because they had to do with the kids but I was extremely short and blunt. When she asked what was wrong, I told her I had a hard time talking with someone who wished me dead. After I hung up, she sent a text apologizing for what she had said and that she didn’t mean any of it. She also sent the following text:
"I am also sorry for all of this; I'm sorry for hurting you; for feeling like I have no choice but to break up our family to finally feel happy; I'm sorry that I spent so many years thinking I was telling you how unhappy I was, but all along, I was crying out in the wrong language; I'm sorry for the future heartache this will bring-looking back on fond memories and all the "what ifs;" I'm sorry for any and all pain and suffer I have, am, and will cause you.... And I mean this with all of my heart (cold as it may be, it's still feels)" .
Again, I was pretty dark/dim until last night. Anytime she was in the same room I would find somewhere else to go. When she tried talking to me, I kept it short. I was really hurt by her comment. She had an "in-home" sales party scheduled for Saturday. I had said a week or so ago that I would help her anyway I could to get ready for it. My W has ALWAYS waited until the last minute for everything. This was no exception. I woke up early on Saturday and behold, the house was pretty much a wreck. I started cleaning because I gave my word that I would help, although I really didn’t want to. After I cleaned the downstairs bathroom, kitchen and dining room there were still several areas that needed cleaning. I decided that I had done enough and took my motorcycle out for a couple of hours. Since my kids needed to be out of the house for the Sales Party, I came home just in time to grab them and take them to a movie and dinner. We had a great time. After I got home, I dropped the kids off and went out for a little while by myself. I came home and went straight to bed. Yesterday, she decided that she was going to take the kids to the local amusement park for the day. She didn’t ask me to go with them, although I did not expect her to. If you remember last weekend I was taking the kids fishing , she asked in a very snide manner “Am I invited” I of course said she was invited if she wanted to come. Anyway, I acted as if I had a lot of things to do and told them to have a good time. When they left, of course I really didn’t have anything to do so I did some homework and took my bike out for a while. As they were leaving the amusement park, she texted me some pictures and videos of the kids playing and also texted asking me if I got the pics and that they were leaving the park now. I said I did and it looked like they were having a blast. I thanked her for the pics and told her to drive safe and that I was starting dinner. Another few pics of the kids came through and one came through that caught my attention and made me ask why! W sent a pic of herself and D4 together. It was a great picture but just made me wonder why she would send me a picture of herself if she doesn’t want to be married? (Maybe I’m just overthinking it a bit) . Anyway, I responded “Great pic of you and D4. Beautiful” She replied back with a “Thanks, (Smiley, Blushing Face). They got home about an hour later and I had dinner made when they walked in. I heard them talk about the park and we all sat down for dinner which was nice. We all talked and laughed a bit. After dinner, we both instructed the kids to put away the dishes and load the dishwasher. About that time, she went upstairs. A few minutes later, I went upstairs. When I opened the bedroom door, she was laying her phone down. I said “oh, I’m sorry and started to leave” She then said almost shocked, or flustered, or nervous (Maybe all) and said “it’s a, its OK, I got an answering machine, no one was there.” Then she repeated is kinda quickly. It was weird and left me wondering but I didn’t skip a beat or act jealous, etc. I asked if I could have a second and she said yes. I then said that it had been a couple of days since she had said those horrible things to me and I had given her apology a lot of thought. I told her that I accepted her apology and that I forgave her for her comment, and that I have forgiven her for everything that has happened up until now. I also asked for her forgiveness for all the things that I fell short on in the marriage and the roller coaster I have been on. I tried to keep it very short without getting into a conversation. I also said that I would not be seeking a Divorce or filing any paperwork (Because of what I said the other night). I said “W, this is not what I want so I will not put effort into ending something I do not want to end. I fully understand that you may feel completely done with the M. I accept that and it is your decision to end the M if you want. I can not stop you but I will not help you”. She never said a word, she listened and looked at me, and she just nodded her head and said O.K.. Then I left. It was time to put D4 in bed and I told her to go give her mother a Kiss and Hug. She did and while she was walking out of the MBR, D4 asked “Daddy, will you rub my back?” My W commented, something to the effect that D4 wanted her back rubbed every night is my “Fault” . I initially was really angry, but didn’t show it. I calmed down quickly and said, “W, I would appreciate you not blaming me or bringing up negative things about me being a Father. Especially for something like D4 wanting to have her back rubbed”. (End the Passive Aggressive Conversation and state Boundries”. She quickly turned her tone and said how she was just joking (which I don’t think she was) . I said OK, and left the MBR. After I tucked the kids in, I went downstairs and went to bed.
I know what I want. I really want my marriage can be saved. Without a shadow of a doubt, I still love my wife. I do not love a lot of her actions and do not love the “Mr. Hyde” version that comes out sometimes. I have to be patient and love her “unconditionally”. That being said, I am a realist and know there is a good chance that it can’t be saved. I just have to have faith! I will accept whatever happens and know I will know without a doubt that I have done everything I could top fix it.
AML, that's a terrific post. You have invested a lot of effort to reach your position. It won't be easy to stick to it and maybe your wife actually files. Yet you can be proud of your own development. I wish you the necessary strength and perseverance to carry through.
