So much has come out of left field that I started a new post. I am not ever sure I understand it all yet so I am hoping a little journal exercise will help me get it out of my head.
Went to my C session last Thursday. Discussed setting boundaries with the C and strategized an approach including time, location and conversation. The W was out of town with S1 visiting her parents and was not due back until the end of the weekend. I had the other kids and was looking forward to a four day GAL session with them.
Thursday evening I get a call from the OM’s wife explaining that she received an anonymous package with tons of emails, phone call transcript, etc along with a note from what appears to be a scorned lover of the OM. It hints that she has had a PI following this man and gathering info based on the fact that he stopped that affair to have an EA with my W. Yes. Queue the Jerry Springer music.
The OM’s W reads the letter to me over the phone which states I too should expect a similar packet. The author clearly does not know that either of us already know about the EA. The OM’s W snoops and I have not focused on it as part of DB’ing.
Sure enough, I get home and there is a huge package waiting for me. I break DB’ing partly as I call my W and let her know that both the OM’s wife and I have received a package of emails and materials documenting her EA and rather than do anything over the phone we should discuss when she returns, but in the meantime I offered the boundaries I planned to discuss next week.
1. No contact with the OM from the home
2. No contact with the OM with the kids present (including text, email, phone, etc)
3. OM is not welcome in our home
4. She must leave the home to maintain any contact with the OM
W agrees quickly and easily. Too easily for my taste, but we will get to that.
She asks if I opened the package and if she can know what is in it. I replied no as I was at that moment torching it on the grill. I surprised myself but did not open it. Didn’t even feel that tempted at the moment. (Don’t get me wrong – I torched it because the temptation was bound to hit sooner or later). I surprised myself. It remains a pile of ash on the grill. She was upset that I wasn’t going to save it for her. I needed to burn it for me. I knew if I read it I would focus on the EA and not on me. It felt good.
What ensued was clearly a lot of calls and texts back and forth between the other three (W, OM and OM’s W). I stayed out of most of it, although did take a call from the OM’s W as I remain sympathetic to her sitch – which is my sitch. I listened carefully but offered no information – almost DB’ing on autopilot at this point.
Friday I get both a text and call from my W explaining that she is sorry she hurt everyone and that the EA is over. She will not have contact with him going forward. I listened calmly and said that I just want to make sure you clearly understand my boundaries and repeated all four again. She said she understands but it wont be a problem because it is over. Queue the quote, “believe none of what she says and half of what she does.”
Saturday she returns home and we are cordial to each other until the kids are in bed. As we sit down to talk at her request, she starts off with saying that just because the EA is over doesn’t mean she is in love with me still. (Picture it more in the tone of the girl in the Exorcist sharing that message). It was a tone of anger and hurt at a maximum level to which I could only DB and say that I know why she feels that way and listened for a few minutes. I let her know she looked tired and that we could talk more in the morning if she wanted but that I was headed to bed.
Moral of this part of the story is that boundaries do work, although I had too much assistance form this package and still wonder how the planned conversation would have gone otherwise. And no, I am not kidding myself thinking the EA is over. Trust me.
What happens over the course of the next 48 hours is amazing. I will add more this evening…
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Wow Williams - R.E.S.P.E.C.T I couldn't have grilled the package without opening it first. You sound totally in control and have swallowed the DB principles whole. Tumbling (in awe)
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Thanks Tumbling. It is hard to DB most days. I felt in control on this day for some reason -- the day I would have expected to have the least. Not sure if everyone here things grilling was the right idea but it seemed like the right way to keep focus.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
The irony is that I dont want to be a DB rock star -- I want to be a DB success. I am so early into what i think is going to be a very long journey. I hope I can keep the resolve at this level going forward because it does make the days a little bit easier.
More journaling to follow.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
On Sunday morning we attended church as a family. The mass was in memory of a friend of ours whose H passed away from cancer three years ago. The W has three young children and remains strong and positive and bright. Good for her. After church, my W returns to her bitter self and we head home. I spend the day with the kids while she does whatever she needs to around the house.
The evening comes which is when I try to give her maximum space. The kids are in bed, the house is quiet for the first time in the entire day and I know she wants/needs to decompress. I leave the head up to the bedroom to read. After about two hours she comes up to the bedroom, sits on the couch and starts to talk about the OM. The discussion really focuses on the OM’s W and how mean she must be to him and how horrible of a person she is. While my W has not spent 2 minutes with this person, she clearly has great disdain for the OM’s W. I listen and then we head to bed. On Monday morning I get a call from the OM’s W again. Queue the Jerry Springer music again. Do they have that on a ring tone?
The OM’s W explains that on Sunday afternoon the OM threatened to commit suicide if his W does not forgive him and take him back. She took him seriously, called her mother-in-law to get to the house and she headed to her house form work. She explained that he has a history of threatening this and even threatened a former GF that he would kill himself if she broke up with him back in college. He has family nearby and the W mad arrangements for each of them to stop over and help as needed. He is not seeking professional treatment yet.
I talk to my W and explain the situation. She immediately calls him as she is worried about him. They speak for an extended time and she explains that he is depressed but would never leave his kids and was just stressed and exhausted. I ask if he is going to seek help. She said she counseled him to do so. She then starts back in on the OM’s W and how wicked she must be to drive a man to this point in his life. In my head I am amazed at how far off the center of the universe this entire issue is and that the woman occupying my W’s body is able to reason all of this away as the fault of the OM’s W.
I am dumbfounded and speechless.
Back to focusing on my goals and GAL’ing. This almost makes detaching a little easier because I am not even on the planet I sued to be with the W I used to know. I am in an alternate universe and it would be comical if it weren't so dangerous/serious.
We have our joint MC session tomorrow. This is the first we will have been back together at MC for several weeks and clearly the first since the new layers of this drama have unfolded. I will not be surprised if we explain the current events and this guy tries to dive right out of his window and run from us. I am so lost and confused and need to remain focused on me and improving me.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Williams, it truly looks like you have a path that will have many bumps ahead of you.
I know it sounds cruel but didn't W agree not to have contact with OM in your house?
Also forgive me for this question as well because I know a suicide threat should never be taken lightly but, why all the contact between you and OM's W?
Am I cold hearted for thinking that you should block OM's W from your phone and tell W that it doesn't matter what drama this OM wants to pull to get attention, it's not welcome in your house?
Just my .02
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Fair points on both JAG. The contact between my W and OM was outside the home and nothing I plan to do about that at this point. As for the OM's W, both she and he are blocked from my phone. I didnt take that step until yesterday.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Suicide threats should be taken seriously. Next time call 911, and let them sort it out. After all, you don’t want to see anyone kill themselves, right? Not even scum man, oops, I mean other man.
If the threat is just a tactic to get what he wants, (most likely I'd say) then being taken away and monitored in a facility for a few days just might be the ticket he needs.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Good advice ForeverYoung. I wanted to call 911 and would have except the threat was already over 24 hours old and he was with his family. Didnt know how to call the police at that point considering his family was allegedly seeking help for him.
Just amazing what this is turning into. None of this is related to the direct issues as to why I have an unhappy wife, except the statements being made today are starting to sound much more like a MLC than anything else.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
