Divorced Thrd #6/Long Road Ahead

[Mrs D]

New Thread from #5:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2278525&page=1


Nothing new today. Day#12 NC. PMA is still low. Not sure if its because Im so flipping busy at work - which I guess is a good thing, but at the same time I feel like I need a break from being SO busy. I just dont feel like Im getting anywhere, finishing any of my projects, and getting pulled in 18 different directions. Ah well. Job security.

PMA might also be low because I see nothing changing in the relationship. Its not that I expected that he would be reaching out to me other than C, but I just miss him. I feel as if Im doing better with NC, detaching - but its not keeping me in view... and I dont want him to forget about me, and what we had, and could still have. I havent been around him since two Fridays ago when I stayed the night. He brings C home, drops him off, and leaves. He doesnt even come to the door anymore. And like I said before, it scares me they could be getting closer. Mutaul friends still dont see it. Im not giving up on us. Im still in the background working on me hoping maybe he will see the light sometime soon.

I guess Im going into town shopping with a GF of mine tonight. C needs some things. Hopefully retail therapy will bring the PMA up some. Happy Thursday.

[longrun]

Every little bit counts, so well done that you have managed day 12 of NC. Don't worry about the PMA level, it will rise over time. Good that you are in high demand in your job.

Of course you miss him. You needn't be afraid that he'll forget you, he partially misses you, too. Just keep on doing what you write yourself: "Im still in the background working on me hoping maybe he will see the light sometime soon." Drop the "soon", though. Maybe it's best to forget about the time frame and work from day to day.

[Brian in Hville]

New Thread from #5:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2278525&page=1
I feel as if Im doing better with NC, detaching - but its not keeping me in view... and I dont want him to forget about me, and what we had, and could still have.

This is where you are going off track. stop thinking this way. First off, you can not assume that he views the old relationship the same way you do. If anything happens for you and him in the future, it will NOT be the old relationship. It has to be a new one with NEW trust. Second, FIX YOURSELF!!! You said yourself in a previous post. You aren't where you need to be anyways. So stop worrying about his relationship and where it is headed. You can NOT control that. You can only control what you do and think. As soon as you understand all of this, things will get easier.

I havent been around him since two Fridays ago when I stayed the night. He brings C home, drops him off, and leaves. He doesnt even come to the door anymore. And like I said before, it scares me they could be getting closer. Mutaul friends still dont see it. Im not giving up on us. Im still in the background working on me hoping maybe he will see the light sometime soon.

And what light is that? Again, what if he see's you spending the night as a HUGE mistake? Stop worrying about his relationship. It will only hinder your progress.

Ms D, what changes are you making to better yourself and why are you making them? Be honest with yourself. If any of your reasons include to get him back or to win him over, there is a good chance they won't stick. You have to want to change for yourself only. If you do it for anyone else, they just won't stick. Let's say you make some changes for him, he goes on and marries this girl and you finally get over him. When you enter your next relationship, it will be so easy to revert back to old habits because the changes weren't for you. You will no longer feel you need to keep working so that your ex can see these changes. That could put you right back in this same place somewhere in the future. I am really sorry that it seems each time I post in your thread, I am hammering you. I just see what you can't right now. I have been there.

If you truly want your ex, you need to let him go. Work on you and get to a good place. You will still interact with him because of your S. When you finally let go, he will start seeing you and not a clingy/needy person that is chasing him. That is when he will believe in your changes. That is when he can get to know the new you (if he chooses). You cannot make these choices for him though...and neither can your mutual friends.

[Mrs D]

Hey Brian .. I think Ive let him go to a certain extent. Im not contacting him, or making excuses to stop by the house or anything. I honestly think Ive come along way from where I was at one time! Heck, 12 days ago I was contacting him about anything and everything. Baby steps getting to where I need to be...

As for the changes, I am making them for me. And me only. I know it doesnt matter right now what hes doing because I need to fix me first. I come on here telling how much I miss him rather than telling him. I think that is also a better thing to do rather than telling him, no?

[Carnac]

MrsD: good job on the nc....it will get easier

[Arsene]

Yeah, keep it up girl. Brian is right though. You(I) have to stop worrying about him (her), as hard as it is (believe me I know - I'm in the same boat, so to speak). It's only then that you can really focus on yourself, for yourself. I know. Today I had my C telling me I was obsessive about W. I still don't think I am but I do think about her a lot.
What I did tell my C is that I have a plan and I'm determined. The same way a med student has his eye on grad day and puts all his efforts on the work that needs to be done, I put my efforts on what I need to do, keeping my eye on the prize. The thing is, what I need to do is work on myself. Not worry about every little thing my W does or where she is at any given time.

Take care MrsD

[Mrs D]

Every little bit counts, so well done that you have managed day 12 of NC. Don't worry about the PMA level, it will rise over time. Good that you are in high demand in your job.

Of course you miss him. You needn't be afraid that he'll forget you, he partially misses you, too. Just keep on doing what you write yourself: "Im still in the background working on me hoping maybe he will see the light sometime soon." Drop the "soon", though. Maybe it's best to forget about the time frame and work from day to day.

Thanks Longrun - I will drop the soon today, and go day to day. Happy Friday!

[Starsky309]

New Thread from #5:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2278525&page=1
I feel as if Im doing better with NC, detaching - but its not keeping me in view... and I dont want him to forget about me, and what we had, and could still have.

This is where you are going off track. stop thinking this way. First off, you can not assume that he views the old relationship the same way you do. If anything happens for you and him in the future, it will NOT be the old relationship. It has to be a new one with NEW trust. Second, FIX YOURSELF!!! You said yourself in a previous post. You aren't where you need to be anyways. So stop worrying about his relationship and where it is headed. You can NOT control that. You can only control what you do and think. As soon as you understand all of this, things will get easier.

I havent been around him since two Fridays ago when I stayed the night. He brings C home, drops him off, and leaves. He doesnt even come to the door anymore. And like I said before, it scares me they could be getting closer. Mutaul friends still dont see it. Im not giving up on us. Im still in the background working on me hoping maybe he will see the light sometime soon.

And what light is that? Again, what if he see's you spending the night as a HUGE mistake? Stop worrying about his relationship. It will only hinder your progress.

Ms D, what changes are you making to better yourself and why are you making them? Be honest with yourself. If any of your reasons include to get him back or to win him over, there is a good chance they won't stick. You have to want to change for yourself only. If you do it for anyone else, they just won't stick. Let's say you make some changes for him, he goes on and marries this girl and you finally get over him. When you enter your next relationship, it will be so easy to revert back to old habits because the changes weren't for you. You will no longer feel you need to keep working so that your ex can see these changes. That could put you right back in this same place somewhere in the future. I am really sorry that it seems each time I post in your thread, I am hammering you. I just see what you can't right now. I have been there.

If you truly want your ex, you need to let him go. Work on you and get to a good place. You will still interact with him because of your S. When you finally let go, he will start seeing you and not a clingy/needy person that is chasing him. That is when he will believe in your changes. That is when he can get to know the new you (if he chooses). You cannot make these choices for him though...and neither can your mutual friends.

MrsD, there is much wisdom in Brian's words here. ^^^ Painful and difficult, probably, but much wisdom and compassion nonetheless.

I hope you will strongly consider them, and take his suggestions to heart.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

PMA might also be low because I see nothing changing in the relationship.

MrsD,

I know this is painful for you, but there IS no "relationship," other than as ex-husband/ex-wife. There may or may not be one in the FUTURE, but until you get to a place in your own head and heart where you stop viewing this as "the relationship," I think you are going to be forever stuck.

I'm NOT trying to be mean here . . . I'm seriously trying to show you compassion and (along with Brian and some others) get you to a place where you need to be in order to HEAL and work on YOU. Only then will you be in a healthier place for your next relationship . . . whether that's with your ex-husband or with someone else.

That's not to say you give up HOPE; you do, however, have to deal with the brutal reality of your current situation (look up that "Stockdale Paradox" thing again that I suggested to you earlier).

Hugs,


Starsky

[Mrs D]

Thanks Arsene and Carnac - you guys seem to be my biggest cheerleaders.. I do appreciate you guys so much.
Arsene - I think at one time I was obsessive about X as well. I guess because I had him one day, the next - poof. Gone. And I just dont understand how he could go from wanting us, to not the very next week. I guess if I could understand that part it may be easier. Maybe not. I continue to remind myself I have 12 years. She has 2 months. We will get through it Arsene. We just have to continue to believe.

A GF of mine sent me a picture she had pulled from FB. It sorta hit home alittle. "At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, and that the only next possible step to do is stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. Its not like you are giving up, and its not like you shouldnt try. Its just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, not matter how hard you try, will never be." Yep Carnac - its my desktop background. Im not giving up. But I am letting him figure out what he needs to figure out.

Speacking of which, he called this morning to ask if I could take C tomorrow since he has to work. Even offered me babysitting money. I told him that I would and that the money wasnt necessary. Still being that laid back, do anything for anyone person he fell in love with. Day 13.