Married for 10 years. We have for beautiful children (6, 5, 3, 11 mos). W began EA almost 4 months ago. Exposed by the OM's wife to them and me. W never denied but focused weeks of anger at the OM's wife for catching and exposing it. Entered MC three weeks ago. W has shared a lot about her unhappiness and agrees to try what the MC suggests to help us rebuild trust and communication. Hours after each MC, W resorts back to angry mood.
In trying to remain positive and upbeat, early signs of GAL have resulted at providing her even more freedom and time to pursue OM online and on the phone. Almost becoming overly obvious. Does not deny speaking and emailing with OM but says he understands her and is helping her through this?!
Do others see a pattern of GAL resulting in a reverse action of greater pursuit of the OM? Is there a curve coming or are these early signs she wants to run and not walk away from our M?
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Had our fourth MC session today. W sated plainly that her hope for resolution at the end of MC is that I will be at peace "if" this ends in divorce. Also directly asks if we have done this long enough to also start meeting with lawyers too.
Is this classic WAW? Help me understand which step of DB I should be migrating to. We are not separated. We share the same bed. We remain polite and keep a great face on for the kids, but she clearly would be thrilled if I was weak and just said I plan to move out to you time.
Am I just being weak on my DB approach or am I putting myself at the wrong stage? Any help is greatly appreciated...this is so confusing.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it. Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.
In trying to remain positive and upbeat, early signs of GAL have resulted at providing her even more freedom and time to pursue OM online and on the phone. Almost becoming overly obvious. Does not deny speaking and emailing with OM but says he understands her and is helping her through this?!
Do others see a pattern of GAL resulting in a reverse action of greater pursuit of the OM? Is there a curve coming or are these early signs she wants to run and not walk away from our M?
You said "early signs", please understand that GAL does not render instant results. It's going to take time, a lot of time. And you need to implement 180's as well, have you done that? Do you have a written list of them to remind yourself? They need to be permanent changes and it will take weeks for your W to acknowledge them, and months for her to believe you're not just doing it to lure her back. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You'll need lots of patience, just like the rest of us
There's a reason your W engaged in an EA. Don't focus on the EA, focus on yourself. Take away her reasons for needing an EA by improving yourself.
Thank you for the advice. I am sure you can appreciate that as a newbie I am struggling with letting my wife and mother of my four children go. Doing it unintentionally was obviously the problem -- doing it with forethought is so hard. I appreciate the support, but need some serious pep talks. I am also struggling to find good examples of how my situations works out in the end. I know...I am asking for the impossible.
Please keep up the support. I am attempting to follow all the rules which also includes not talking with too many people about this. That is hard when you heart is hanging outside your own body.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
Thank you for your support as well. I do have a list of 180's and realize that although she sees them she does not believe them yet. I am willing to put in the time, but I feel like I am playing beat the clock. This guy is coming on hard at the same time I am walking away. I know this is the same struggle as others, but you only understand and appreciate it from living it and I am still too new to this. Please continue support and guidance. I hate this feeling.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
One confusing point for me. The 180 rules also state to not talk about the future. One of her biggest concerns about me is that I stopped talking about the future. How do you reconcile the two? Is it as "simple" as if I talk about the future I am pursuing and thus I shouldnt? Sorry, but this is all so confusing. Feels like I am playing game. Please continue the support.
M:44 W:41 M: 12 yrs W's EA began 3/12 Somewhere between WAW and MLC Still in same house
In trying to remain positive and upbeat, early signs of GAL have resulted at providing her even more freedom and time to pursue OM online and on the phone. Almost becoming overly obvious. Does not deny speaking and emailing with OM but says he understands her and is helping her through this?!
GALing is one thing (and is always advisable), but it has nothing to do with whether or not you lay out (and learn to enforce) healthy boundaries (also always advisable).
Your wife shouldn't be communicating with another man from inside your marital home, in front of you, and perhaps even on your dime? (who pays for the internet connection?) If she wants to talk to him, make her take it outside. Her behavior is entirely disrespectful to you and your marriage. If your MC won't back you up on that, then it's time to get another MC.
�Does not deny speaking and emailing with OM but says he understands her and is helping her through this?!"
I see this as a positive because she is confiding in you. If you pressure her or go super snoop on her she will take things undercover. Is that what you want? Build on your decent connection and find out why she feels you don�t understand her and work on that.
�Do others see a pattern of GAL resulting in a reverse action of greater pursuit of the OM? Is there a curve coming or are these early signs she wants to run and not walk away from our M?�
I could see that if the W wants you to move on. (Like mine does) If this is the case it's even more important that you GAL.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
