My situation is like many other on here. Wife dropped the D-bomb and ILYBNILWY 04/11. I begged, pleaded, cried…. Etc for the next few months without prevail. I was blamed of course for the entire demise of our marriage. I wasn’t emotionally attached as much as I should be. I wasn’t physically attentive as much as I should have been. ETC. Etc. Etc…. I have always busted my a$$ to provide my family with the best I could. I grew up without a father really and a single mother that worked two jobs to provide for my brother and I. I never yelled at her, was physically, emotionally or verbally abusive. Did not drink, drugs, etc., don’t play video games, or go out. Her father had passed away the previous year in November and it affected her greatly. Her father was an Alcoholic that rarely made time to see her when she was growing up. Her parents divorced when she was about 4, and she had a lot of disappointments with him (forgotten to get picked up on his weekends, broken promises, or simply no contact for MONTHS! When we first got married, she would say how bad of a father he was. He was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, and everything changed. He was always a great guy, and did the greatest things, etc. He did no wrong. BTW, he owed 30K dollars in back child support when he died. So, found evidence of an EA starting back in 01/11 and continued through when she left. She moved out (several states away) on 08/11. It was where she had lived during her teenage years and apparently “was the last place” she was happy and by the way close to where one of the people she had the EA with. I am an Active Duty Marine stationed in Virginia and I was left as a Single Father to our 4 children, ages 15 (SD), 10 (S), 9 (S) and 4 (D). She would call every few days and seemed to like to play mommy from afar. She would drive from her new “home” every three to four weeks for the weekend to see the kids, just to turn and go back. When she was at our “family” home, she acted with such a sense of entitlement while there. Finances (I was still expected to pay all the bills and give her money for fuel for her travels), the house (critiquing things that were done or not done), the kids, even wanting to sleep in the marital bed with me… You name it, she felt as if she had say in everything. She even wanted to cuddle at night while we slept. Like a man whipped, I did not say anything negative, just pleading with her to come back.. When that happened, I was “smothering her” and why could I “just be” as she called it. What the hell is that anyway? This went on for several months. I had read Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy and Five Love Languages cover to cover, back to front, side to side. I just could not apply what they talked about. I went through the telephone coaching and it was OK, but again could not apply anything. I would have a strong couple of days, but would always revert back. I was so weak. I sensed there was something more (possible PA), but of course could never find anything. The kids and I went to visit her in her 1 bedroom apartment in early Feb 12 (on our Anniversary). I also had a business meeting that same week close to her, so figured it would work out. Again, she wanted to cuddle up next to me at night, act as a family, etc., until the R talk came up. Then she got angry again, asking why I couldn’t just let her breath!! She was the quintessential CAKE EATER. That’s when I said enough was enough. I left the next day with the kids and drove back to VA. That night, I went dark. She would call and talk to the kids, and I refuse to talk to her. She would text, and I wouldn’t respond. If I would answer the phone when she called, I would just say “hang on” and pass the phone off to the kids. At first she would blast me in text asking why I was ignoring her, she would send agree texts and phone messages saying that I was acting so “mature”. I simply told her I was giving her what she wanted. Two of our children have birthdays at the end of Feb, so it rolled around. I didn’t know what to expect when she came. She called a day or so she was supposed to leave her new home and come for a visit for the kids b-days. I spoke with her at length this time but was very short to the point, but pleasant. She had stated that she really wanted to talk to me when she got to VA. I said ok. A couple of days into the trip, and after the kids went to bed she wanted to have a talk. At this point, she pulled a new wedding band from her pocket and “proposed kinda” asking If I would continue to be married. I looked at her and the ring for a long time. I said I wasn’t sure and needed time to think. I had so much hurt, I was unsure. I had felt so much betrayal, pain, fatigue, everything. I just didn’t know.! Well after a while, I said yes. So we made plans for her to move back. She moved back in Apr 12. Since she has been back, we have had a few rough spells, a few great spells, but for the most part the status quo of a normal marriage. Every time we have an argument, it seems like she says things aren’t working out and she’s not sure that the marriage is going to work. Everytime though, I kiss up, profess that I’ ll change and things move on. Some good days, some bad, mostly status quo. Three days ago, I got the “this is not going to work out speech again”. I tried again, to say we can make this work but we both have to try. She admitted that she has not been trying because it seems like I have not changed at all. It seems that I am the one that is supposed to do all the changing. In my opinion, I have made a lot of changes. I no longer work long hours. I rarely travel. When I am home, I try to spend time with her. She continues to go out with friends (most of which are single in their 20s), she’s secretive when it comes to her personal life on Facebook, etc., she seems like she wants to be alone when she is home. I am left to feel like a live-in “baby sitter for our kids. So after being told this was not going to work, I told her that I planned on moving out soon. She had asked where I planned on living, since money is definitely tight right now. I said that I was going to sleep at work, in my truck, or wherever. I told her that the state of Virginia requires total physical separation for one year in order to be granted a divorce. She said that that was silly, and we should both just stay in the house for the kids and did not really respond to any other conversation about the divorce/separation. Right now, I have moved into the basement and am trying to have as little contact, conversations, and overall interaction with her as possible. It is extremely difficult with the children because they are my WHOLE WORLD. Again, I feel that if she had it her way, I would just stay in the house, take care of whatever needs taken care of, cook, clean, etc., and she can have freedom to do what she wants because she knows the kids would be taken care of. I really do not have a life outside of the house. I have friends in the neighborhood but that’s pretty much it. A cookout and a few beers every once in a while is my only real interactions with my “friends”. I am so torn at this point of what to really do. Part of me (the scornful a-hole in me) wants to move out and have her be forced to act like a mother and grown up. I want her to feel the strain of being a “single parent”. As of now, I do all the grocery shopping, probably 75% or more of the cooking, herd the kids to the shower/bath, household maintenance, the majority of the cleaning, etc. I also work full time and am a full time Grad Student. She takes one class, one day a week at the local community college and is doing an internship at the local Gym, as a part of her college requirements. The other part of me wants to agree to both remain in the house, and continue to do what I am doing because again, my kids are my world. I just feel my self-respect and dignity are in the dumps right now. At the end of the day, I would like to remain married to my wife. Sometimes I don’t know why! The more time goes on, the more I feel walked on and it’s taking a toll on me mentally. I know I have rambled a lot, but if anyone has any advice, I would appreciate it. Expert opinions would also be appreciated.
