Thanks for that post Arsene....and your exactly right, it seems as though they just want to be free of responsibility and do whatever they please. Mine has said as much and I think thats why our son who is 11 almost 12 cramps her style but my step son who is 16 can be left alone at night for hours and she doesn't have to worry about him.
Ok Carnac, As usual, your post hit home. Easier said than done but you know how it goes bro. You can’t barrow tomorrows problems! It’s a daily struggle though, I get that. I think it’s a natural reaction to want to “borrow the problems.” We have enough hurdles going on, lets try our best not to add another to the mix. I am not saying it’s not a valid concern, it is, but let’s try our best not to focus on that. Here's one of many things I’ve learned from my thread.
My W left me. My family’s not intact. My W’s cheated. I may never get my W back. I won’t ever find someone like my W. I feel nobody will love me again.
Seriously, you know how it works!!! You hear it enough and you start to believe it, come on brother. Everything I just mentioned su!ck but I am alive, I am not dead, I will be fine and so will you!!!! We are resilient people. Regardless of what happens, WE WILL be better, not bitter. I believe in hope and I am a realist. We've been going down this path together, since the beginning. I TRULY feel you have a fighting chance at this one, stay the course. We will be fine. For real.
Just caught up with you Carnac. Okay... relax. The pull back is normal. What also is normal is the instinct for you to try and reach for her when you sense her pulling away. Don't do it. I also think that there is the danger that you may feel like giving up when they pull away. Don't do that either...
Relax... look at this, and everything that happens, as a test... be there for her ... but continue to give her space... Have patience my friend...
You have made a lot of progress, and you have a chance here. Don't blow it up.
Remember the squirrel...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Rough and Denver: Thanks to you both for the words. Its exactly what I needed...and honestly its exactly what I knew to be true. Im going to stay the course, im going to continue to smile and love her through it. I battle very hard between not pursuing and coming off as 'cold'. Im working very hard at simply being cordial, it seems its another trait of mine that needs some work...im either in or out, I really need to find some medium ground.
Its interesting because in the last 24 hours she's been....'nicer' for lack of a better word...more texts than are necessary it seems. They are still mostly logistic type texts, but she seems to be asking more questions than normal. She even called last night to 'explain' why she wasn't home by the time practice ended...mind you I didnt care why she wasn't home and she didnt owe me any explanation, but I didnt say that to her either I just told her it was no big deal and moved forward.
And Im trying to recognize why my anxiety is higher now than it has been becuase honestly shouldnt it get a little easier as things move forward? So here are the logical reasons I have more anxiety than normal now....
#1 The holidays are coming up.
#2 We're closing in on the 6 month point and that was her original cut-off for lack of a better word, truly this means nothing so I shouldnt worry about it.
#3 Our anniversary is in 2 weeks....I have purchased her a gift...still unsure about what im going to do about the anniversary. I plan to give her the gift but I don't plan to make a big deal of it at all, my plan for now is to not actually give it to her in person i'll more likely just leave it in the garage or something and at least for now I don't plan to do a card or anything 'personal' like that. I had considered sending flowers to her office b/c I always have, but if I do that it will be with no name attached or card either.
#4 This could sound funny but its really been unsettling to me, my business partner and I are looking at buying a couple of apartment complexes. There are two reasons this gives me more anxiety than usual, obviously the first one is that its a large investment and those are always a little nerve wracking. The 2nd part is that my wife has complained in the past about being the last person to know about things like this. One of the reasons she's the last to know is because we communicated poorly, but another big reason is that alot of the deals we make never go beyond the planning/running the numbers stage and I really never sensed that she wanted to hear about each and every opportunity that we looked at and considered. (Professionally we're in very different worlds...she's an RN and im an accountant.) The thing is this one may move and move rather quickly if it does so i've got to be ready....anyway, enough about that deal...the point is im not sure whether I should try to sit down and talk to her about it or just not worry about running it by her. If we were even 'talking' regular I would definitely talk to her about it b/c i've come to realize that she doesn't like not knowing whats going on, but we don't really chat so im not sure what to do wit this one.
I find it interesting that you might look for her approval regarding the apartments (regardless of 180). You also sound like your set on giving her an anniversary gift which I wouldnt recommend doing. I am curious what others would say. Make it a good day Carnac.
Rough: Thanks for the comment, I don't see it so much as looking for her approval as keeping her informed. And as far as the anniversary gift goes....im not 100% intent on giving it to her right now, but you hit it on the head, the apartment thing and the gift are both 180's for me. Not necessarily that I didnt give her gifts before b/c I absolutely love giving gifts to others, but more about its something she mentioned a good while ago and would show her that I actually do not only listen to her, but care about what matters to her.
Hi Carnac, Thinking of the advice you gave me your business ventures as of right now have no baring on what she thinks. You are moving forward and if this would be beneficial to you why should she know at this time. This would file under GAL right? As far as the gift for your anniversary I can only share my anniversary story from this past July. I had to pick my S up from the house that day and she never mentioned it. As I was leaving I look at her and said Happy Anniversary. Her only response was oh yea and walked away. I am a supporter of gifts especially something you know she mentioned but be careful of the pain you may feel if she gives you the oh yea treatment because it was worse than a slap in the face. I also feel for you with your S. I missed two nights of my sons life until the S. It kills me that she has taken half his life away from me. Makes you wonder how easily she could accept losing her child half if not more than half the time. Unfortunately I don't think they have thought about that. They are so focused on the moment. I'm curious, I feel like my W is in the midst of a MLC as well. What signs point to you thinking that your W is in one. I would be curious to see the similarities. Hang in there! Patience is not easy I know!
H: 35 W: 37 S: 7 T: 10 M: 8 OM: Apr. 29 2012 PA: Aug. 31 2012 DWord: July 29 2012 DWord on hold since Sept. 23 2012 DB'n Since October 8 2012
Rough and Denver: Thanks to you both for the words. Its exactly what I needed...and honestly its exactly what I knew to be true. Im going to stay the course, im going to continue to smile and love her through it. I battle very hard between not pursuing and coming off as 'cold'. Im working very hard at simply being cordial, it seems its another trait of mine that needs some work...im either in or out, I really need to find some medium ground.
This really hit home Carnac, I couldn't agree more. It’s like were talking about our relationship or it's business, it's actually 99% business. There’s NO in between. One of the posters used a conversation starter that I really like. “What’s been the best part of your day today?” I haven’t used it but I really like it. I really shouldn't be thinking about this much because I am trying to convince myself that I am moving forward.
I'm in the same boat. I feel like when I'm trying to act "as if" and detached, I come through as being upset, or even angry. I feel like I'm totally transparent to W. Not good, is it?
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
We do the 99% business thing as well. I think its simply a matter of choosing to smile and love them even when your talking business, but your right arsene, if your smiling and trying to be nice then you tend to seem more pursuing, and if your all business then you seem cold/distant or angry. We were nothing but business for 4+ months and have had 2 semi 'us' talks in the last 3 weeks but I think it really bothered her that they went well.
Denver actually helped me an awful lot above when he told me to relax it was normal. The funny thing is i KNEW it was coming, I KNEW it was normal and I thought I was ready for it, but it still pretty well sucked, and there hasn't been anything since except business again, and actually very little of that. Stay the course gentlemen, we'll all GROW through this together.
Is everyone doing something physical regularly? I was working out alot and then got kind of busy and haven't been making time for it and i've certainly been able to tell a difference in how well I deal with things. Do yourself that favor and make sure your getting some kind of exercise...
Beardown im really expect that the day will pass without a mention from her.....of course I like to think im ok with that and ready for it, but I said the same thing about the 'buyers remorse' I knew she was going to have after our conversation and that kicked my butt pretty good.
