About to separate....

[dorightman]

Everyday my sitch escalates. Yesterday I was "good" all day. Took care of myself, stayed out of her way. Did yoga, read Buddhist books, stayed calm. She had very negative energy when she was home, I remained calm and treated her with care, but it didn't change her. After the kids where put to bed, I made her a vow to work on my sh*t and prove to her that I could and would change for the better. She said she was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I left her and went downstairs to read. An hour later, I noticed she was up, her light was on in our bedroom. I felt like she lied to me to get rid of me earlier when she said she was tired and wanted to sleep. I went up to the bedroom and told her that it hurt me that she lied to me earlier. She BLEW UP! Yelling at me and swearing at me, telling me that I can't leave her alone for 24 hours ever. Yesterday would have been the first day that I was able to leave her alone, except that I messed up by going up there to tell her that I felt hurt. She wants a separation, me out of the house. She has a mediator ready to go, she would be happy to divide our assets asap and divorce asap. I feel defeated and I don't know what to do. I can't afford to move out, we are in rough shape financially. But, it seems like I can't afford not to move out because the longer I live at home, the worse our relationship gets. I feel lost right now.

[dorightman]

We signed a controlled separation agreement for 3 months. I'm looking for a place to live. The tension is lifted and we both feel better. It just has to happen, no other way forward. I just hope the separation brings us back together. Where did everybody go? Life is happening at a pretty fast pace folks!

[KarenR]

I think you may be making a mistake by moving out and signing any agreement before you talk to an expert. Countless people calling our office have turned things around in their marriages even though they believed it was too late. Our coaches believe that it is NEVER too late. Instead of reacting to what happens each day, you would feel better and have better control of the outcome of the situation, if you had a plan of how to interact with her that is more likely to bring her closer and not push her further away. That is what a DB coach will help you do, quickly. Please call and I will be happy to talk to you further.

[roughenough]

Hi Nail,

I read your sitch. If you haven’t read other sitches on here, you might want to browse over some of them. I hear ya loud and clear, a lot of the same stuff in our sitches, same age kids as well. If you haven’t already, let her go and lay off. Hopefully you’re not initiating talks with her. Your moves are under a microscope right now. Hopefully a vet will chime in soon. They are very helpful and I would highly suggest following there guidance. Take care buddy, I know this stuff is extremely difficult.
_________________________________
Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[mshaf]

Nail,

Sorry to hear about your situation. You need to accept that this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do. In the end you will come out the other side better.

That being said you need to start DBing like crazy. Your W has told you she wants space. Give it to her. Give her all the space she can handle. Do not initiate ANY conversations unless it's business. You have children and still live in the same house at the moment so you can't go completely dark. What you can do is make her approach you if she wants to talk. Make her miss you!!!

Don't get me wrong, when she talks listen to every word she says. Really listen! Be kind, caring, and attentive. Only do this when she talks to you. Do not go out of your way to be kind, caring, and attentive if she is doing her own thing. What I mean by that is use the opportunities she gives you, don't go seeking more.

GAL!GAL!GAL!!!

I say this because it worked for you. The night you went out with friends she missed you. She was wondering where you were, who you were with. You shocked her. That is a good thing.

You don't have to rude about this and don't take it to an extreme. Do things without letting her know. Make new friends. When she ask what you are up to be vague. Let her know that that you have been "doing some thinking" then shut up. Leave it up to her to figure out what that means.

Also you don't have to rollover because she threatens to move the D along faster if she does not get her way. She is going to hang the D over your head until it loses its power to get you to fall in line. She may say that you are pushing her away by not respecting her wishes, or your actions make a R impossible. Do not believe that. Become THE MAN. A man does not let fear stop him from doing the things he wants to do or getting the things he wants. Become a leader and she may follow.

Also become the best dad you can be. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO. Every woman likes a man who is great with her kids.

You are lucky. You are still very early in the process, and while I can't know for sure, this may be to your advantage. You can stop her movement away from you before the distance seems insurmountable.

Good luck.

[dorightman]

Cadet, why did you say DO NOT MOVE OUT? The way my w puts it, I have no other option. If I don't, the tension between us keeps getting higher, she gets super stressed out and angry, this effects the kids and me. She says the only chance I have at getting her back is to respect and honor her wishes for a separation. The longer I hold off, the worse things seem to get between us. She threatened to take the kids and move out herself if I didn't. Thats how bad it is. So, I feel like theres no other option, and at least she'll be a little softer with me from now on. It's a three month separation and in that time we will spend time together as a family, and her and I will go to therapy once a week. So, I will still see her and my kids, and hopefully the extreme tension will go away. She will get the space she needs, and I won't have to feel lonely while Im in the same house as my w, and the kids won't feel the negative vibes. I dunno, it's all kinda confusing. At least for the moment, she has softened and that will make it easier for me to not do something stupid again!

[AnotherStander]

Cadet, why did you say DO NOT MOVE OUT? The way my w puts it, I have no other option.

Of course you do, you stay and make her move out. The LBS should never move out. If the WAS wants a separation, then they need to make it happen themselves. They need to move out, they need to set up a new house, they need to make all those arrangements, they need to suffer the consequences of their decision. You want to save the M, so why would you move out? This should all be on her.

If I don't, the tension between us keeps getting higher, she gets super stressed out and angry, this effects the kids and me.

Put DB into practice and the tension will be diffused. If she tried to argue then empathize with her emotions, tell her you understand and you're sorry she feels that way. You're acknowledging her feelings without agreeing with her. It will diffuse the situation. Act "as if" everything is fine even when it isn't. Do not talk about the R, S, D or anything else relationship-wise. Keep it light and fluffy. Work on yourself- get in shape, focus on the kids, laugh, play.

She says the only chance I have at getting her back is to respect and honor her wishes for a separation. The longer I hold off, the worse things seem to get between us.

You're not holding off, she is. If she wants S then show her where the door is.

View the S as a chance for her to collect her thoughts. Give her plenty of space. Use the time to improve your appearance and attitude. When you're around her show her a strong, confident, good-looking you. Be detached but available. Read DB, DR and 5LL and change yourself. She'll notice although she won't acknowledge initially. Give it time. Patience is key. Good luck!

[AnotherStander]

I made her a vow to work on my sh*t and prove to her that I could and would change for the better.

Don't say it, show her instead. DB rule 29:

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

I went up to the bedroom and told her that it hurt me that she lied to me earlier. She BLEW UP!

You backslid. You need to follow DB practices and detach. Here are a few more DB tips:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

We all backslide now and then, so don't worry about it. Just try not to repeat it.

[dorightman]

Thanks Roughenough, I appreciate the support. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through!

[dorightman]

Thanks mshaf, I appreciate the advice. One day at a time, praying for her to change...