Had to take a break for awhile, as some of you know.
But wanted to sahre that W's boss was recently fired for stealing money, fraud, inappropriate behavior, and lying. Added bonus: he was supporting at least one long term mistress using company funds. He was also "grooming" a very young staff member with trips alone and gifts. It's suspected he was forced from his last position for similar reasons.
None of this, except the many gifts and over the top attention, involved my W.
So I was right about him. Maybe right to be concerned about him being my W's boss. But there was no A.
W and I are trying to work out our differences about her upcoming promotions and the extra work she is taking on. But at least I'm not crazy.......
But wanted to sahre that W's boss was recently fired for stealing money, fraud, inappropriate behavior, and lying. Added bonus: he was supporting at least one long term mistress using company funds. He was also "grooming" a very young staff member with trips alone and gifts. It's suspected he was forced from his last position for similar reasons.
None of this, except the many gifts and over the top attention, involved my W.
So I was right about him. Maybe right to be concerned about him being my W's boss. But there was no A.
SL
SL,
When you first came to this forum, in Dec 2010, you said your wife was having an affair with someone at work. Was it not this man?
If this guy was fired for doing all of these things, and he also gave your wife "many gifts and over-the-top attention," I wouldn't be so sure that the two of them didn't do more. Regardless, I'm concerned you guys are trying to go this alone without any MCing -- preferably with a GOOD mc/ft who specializes in dealing with infidelity. Considering your wife's past behavior, and your struggle to deal with it, I really think the two of you could use some professional help with your reconciliation.
Starsky
P.S. I thought your wife found your posts, and you weren't going to post here anymore???
Starsky - thanks for the advice. I won't be posting like I did, obviously. Maybe that's better - sometimes I needed to vent but it wasn't always constructive. Some things have changed for us recently but we are doing ok. I agree with your advice, by the way. But for now it's just me in IC.
In the past, I've written about the reasons for my situation, taking some of the blame, but putting most at the feet of my W. I justified my behavior as a reasonable response to my life's events - three kids, two jobs, etc. - and maybe they are reasonable or "normal". But they are all choices I made. And I could have made others.
What my W needs, and has always needed, is a calm, steady husband who doesn't over-react and who gives her the space and independence she needs. Someone who gives what he can without fuss and draws and holds reasonable lines about things he won't do. I simpleton could do it better than I. And he'd be rewarded with the love of a strong, beautiful woman.
It's possible I am am co-dependant or have GAD or ROCD. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be a better or superior man and "hold on to my NUTS". I wish I had 100% trust in my W. And I wished I had 100% faith that we'd make it no matter what - because we probably would have. Whatever it is it is a shame, because I wasn't always like this and it's made our M less than it could have been.
I see the "skills" in my friends, my brother, and in what I read. Strong men who would handle the bumps of my M with little trouble, or avoided them altogether with a smile and a laugh. But while I have plenty of other skills I can not get over the fear of losing my W. And that's pushing her away.
We've had some good times lately, and more to come I hope. But I've come to wonder how other men came upon the "right stuff", that secret ingredient that makes men strong husbands and fathers. Why am I so introspective and anxious in this one part of my life, while handling everything else well?
I see the "skills" in my friends, my brother, and in what I read. Strong men who would handle the bumps of my M with little trouble, or avoided them altogether with a smile and a laugh.
I wouldn't be so sure. I used to have people ask me what the key was to keeping a marriage strong, my marriage was a lighthouse to others who strove to accomplish what my W and I had. It seemed like nothing could rock our impossibly solid marriage. Boy did I get blindsided. I think a lot of "successful" marriages out there contain a ticking WAS or MLC time bomb just waiting to blow everything to smithereens.
I've begun to speak my mind and not concern myself with the outcome becuase I am exhausted. I'm scared. But mostly I'm just tired. And resigned to what comes next.
Hi Starsky - no reason except I was taking a break from the board and trying to keep my posts positive. I had posted about an EA that I was concerned about growing into a PA. I posted about the signs. And yes, with this man. I am now convinced that there was no PA and that type fo EA was really my W being head over heels "in love" with her job, the travel, and the fun exciting things this man provided as her boss. It was also her desire for independence, her lack of emotion and reassurance to me, the stress of our busy family, and my insecurities and fears. This man juggled several women (using company funds) in addition to his wife, and was probably "grooming" some younger workers here - so certainly HE was interested. But she, as far as I can tell, walked the line. Now he is gone. But my wife's upward career path and ever growing need for independence is still around. She is now thinking of working several days a week in another state in a family business, maybe taking it over one day but does not want me to relocate the family for this. Well, for several blissful months things were GREAT. Now we have quite a bit of conflict over the possibility of her working and staying some overnights in another state. She wants space to decide for herself and alternates between happy and unhappy with her current job (which is now just a job, since the sugar daddy of exotic trips and perks is gone). She does not want to talk about any of it. Nor does she want to provide reassurance to me that we are fine during or after our "discussions". My need for this kind of reassurance seems to be the type you'd see in codependance or, and I've just discovered that this is a conditions, ROCD. Not suprising, given my past experience I guess. I simply do not function well at all when we are arguing or I have doubts about her feelings towards me. I barely get through the day adn find it nearly impossible to "be happy". I think that much of this problem would disappear if I had 100% trust that she loved and respected me. But I'm probably around 75% most days - not really enough to deal with all that's happening.
Well, that was a long way to answer your question. Didn't mean to confuse you, but have to admit I'm pretty confused these days myself.
