I apologize, there is a ton of information here but here goes...
My spouse of 8 years left a week ago. I was on a 2 day work trip and when I returned she was gone and she had taken all of her belongings, every last thing of hers. I knew there were problems that I needed to fix soon, I knew that they were negatively affecting our relationship, but I didn’t think it had gone this far. She had never mentioned or hinted at leaving. Then she was gone...
Here is some background. I have 2 children from my previous marriage, (yes I’ve been through this before unfortunately but very different circumstances) My spouse and I do not have children yet and I had been holding off due to nervousness as to how that would affect my children. But a year ago I decided to start seriously discussing the idea but with the financial issues we were having the discussions seemed to come to a halt. She has a very good job and makes really good money. I had a really good job that I lost 2 ˝ years ago due to downsizing. 3 months after, I needed to start working again. So I took a job that paid less than half what I was making before. She had to take over the majority of the household expenses for us to survive. I was a bit depressed and negative about my work situation and I let that drag me down instead of letting it motivate me. Time passed and I just began to accept that she was taking care of almost everything. She even ended up getting a second PT job to make sure she kept on top of everything. I didn’t do anything, I stayed in my negative little zone. I thanked her often for what she was doing for us, but I my actions were not encouraging at all. I wasn’t trying to help. About a month ago I found out she borrowed a large sum of money from her sister (who she is very close to) to keep up with our financial situation. This was BAD and I knew it. I was extremely embarrassed and ashamed that I had not stepped up previously. Plus her sister has never been very fond of me because I am not of the same ethnic origin and her sister always thought she be with someone of the same ethnic background. (I have not been extremely close with any of her family unfortunately) I knew at that point I needed to step up immediately so I started looking for more work. But I never talked to her about it, I just wanted to get working more and show her. 2 weeks ago I found a 2nd job, I had a week of training before actually starting.
She left just after I completed my training, she took all of her things and she is now at her sisters house. This is the letter she left me:
“I am sorry. I have tried with all my heart to make things work between us, but over the last few months I have come to realize that I am not happy. This is so hard because we have been together for so long, but it is obvious that we want different things.
The last three years have been incredibly difficult because of the financial and emotional position you put me in. While I understood it in the beginning, as time progressed I became more stressed out and more resentful. It hurts me that you just stood by and did nothing. While I am happy you are taking positive steps now, I know in my heart it is too late. And maybe that is for the best. I realize now that what we have is not enough for me. want to have children. And as much as I love xxxx and xxxx they are not mine and it just isn't the same.
My family is incredibly important to me, and rather than make the effort to know them and love them as I do, you chose to make it a competition. My family never gave you a chance because you never gave them one.
Even though you say you appreciate all that I have provided for you and your children, you never respected the sacrifices I had to make in order to do this. I always wanted you to support my career, but just like my family, you made it a competition. The reason I worked so hard was to show how much I cared by helping you and the kids.
I know I have made mistakes and we have been through so much together. I honestly feel that I have been there for you through many hardships. Whether it was the kids, your ex-wife, work, or poor decisions, I have always been in your corner. I feel like you were never in mine, and no matter how hard I tried or how much I gave it was never good enough.
I think it is time that we are honest with ourselves and with each other. This relationship is not working and will never work. Our priorities are not the same. We want different things in life. I never wanted to keep you from your kids and now I feel it is time that you be with them. We both need to move forward separately. You need to focus on your kids and family, and I need to focus on my career and being happy.
I left the house and I took some of my belongings with me. Anything that I left in the house is yours to keep. I do not want you to worry about September's rent as I will make sure it is taken care of. Any other arrangements that need to be taken care of before the lease expires I am willing to take care of, the cleaning, the air ducts etc. Also if you or the kids need to use my benefits through xxxxx for the next few months I am fine with that.
It breaks my heart to know that I am hurting you, but I know that this is the best decision for both of us. I cherish all the wonderful memories we have made together and always will. I love you with all my heart, but ask that you respect my decision.”
Everything she put in that letter is true, this is completely my fault. But I will do anything to fix this if I can. She would even talk to me in any form for 24 hrs. Then she agreed to meet for coffee. I had been writing down thoughts and feelings the whole time and I had so much that I needed to tell her that I should have told her much earlier. These are the things that I told her when we agreed to meet:
“I understand why you left. You have been asking me for help and support for almost 3 years now and I have not given it to you. I am so deeply sorry. You have every right to be angry and I do understand why you left. I truly understand how unhappy I have made you and why you needed to shield yourself from the pain I was causing you.
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am for the way I have made you feel. I realize how my negative attitude has made you feel that we don’t want the same things in life. I was mean and selfish. I can see how I sucked so much happiness from you. Last month, when you told me about what happened with your sisters money, I truly saw the painful situation that I was causing in our relationship. I realized how I had wasted almost 3 years carrying a negative attitude and not stepping up to my responsibility to help out, I allowed that to translate into negativity in our financial situation and more importantly our relationship. A relationship that I cherish more than anything else. When I lost my job and you lovingly took over so much of the financial burden, I hadn’t dealt with all of my feelings yet and I still had resentment. I just accepted your help as something that I deserved because of what happened. That was so wrong and extremely selfish of me, eventually I came to sincerely appreciate what you were doing for us but my sense of urgency about our finances and what I needed to do had not kicked in. I never said anything about my feelings after you told me about your sisters money last month, I was so angry and embarrassed of myself, I couldn't believe what I had done and what I had let happen to us. I was ashamed of myself and ashamed of what I had put you though and done to you. I vowed that day that I would find a way and work harder than ever before and do whatever it takes to make that wasted time and money up to you. And more importantly prove to you how sorry I was for putting you in that situation and causing you so much hurt. That is still my conviction. But I didn't express myself to you then, I kept it inside and bottled it up because I didn't want this to seem like another empty promise. I wanted to talk to you so much in the last weeks and I was looking for important alone time to share my feelings and my deep regrets for what I had done, but so much damage had already been done it seemed impossible to get that time together.
Nothing would make me happier than spending the rest of our lives together, starting a family and having our own children. We both know I was hesitant for a long time to discuss having children. We did talk about starting a family a few times in the last couple years, but regretfully I have not discussed these feelings with you recently. I was taking for granted that you would always be there, that I could get a few months of hard work in and start to "show" you that how serious I was about these things for our future. But I was wrong, what I needed to do was talk to you and express my feelings to you in a positive way, to keep you in touch with what I had in mind for our future and that our goals were still the same. I have been a fool to expect you just to read my mind, especially at times when I put out negative vibes.
A few of the times when you went to see your family in the last couple months I asked you to say hi for me and tell them I was very sorry I couldn't make it when I had to go to see the kids or go to work. I know how important family is and when I asked you to pass along those wishes I was being true and genuine. I know that your sister is looking out for you and I am sorry I have not made more of an effort with her. I have struggled in the past with it because I feel like she does not believe I am good enough for you because I am xxxxx and wealthy. I am committed to putting forth the effort in the future with all of your family.
I realize that I have not properly supported you when it comes to how hard you have been working for us. You said that you know how thankful I am for what you have done for us, but I didn't realize how much damage I was doing when I was fighting for your time. I wish we would have been able to discuss this in counseling. I would have seen earlier the damage I was doing. I want to spend time with you so much that there have been times I have resented your work schedule. In my mind, I thought that at the very least expressing my frustration would show you how much I desire to be with you and spend time with you. Now I realize it actually made you resent me. I wish so much I would have recognized that before, because creating those negative feelings were the exact opposite of what I was trying to do.
As you said, you have always been in my corner through all the tough times. You should know that you have been the greatest emotional supporter I have ever had in my entire life. You are always there for me. Nobody even remotely compares. That support and loyalty is the reason I love you the most. The deep love for you that your loyalty creates inside of me cannot be expressed properly with words. I have to now properly reciprocate this support and loyalty back to you. And I see now that nagging you about your work schedule and personal commitments has been accomplishing the exact opposite.
A lifelong marriage, having children together, becoming closer with your family, and most of all, being your greatest supporter are my priorities in life. If you would consider it, I would really like to go to counseling together so that we can get back on the same page. I hope you will agree how special our relationship is and that it was worth fighting for. I hope we will finally able to express ourselves to each other like we have never done before.. I am asking you for the opportunity to show you how genuine my feelings and convictions are for you and for us. I know that it is a risk for you to let your guard down and fear getting hurt again. I love you dearly, more than I have shown at times and definitely more than you can ever imagine. I want the opportunity to show you that love everyday, be there as your best friend and confidant, trust you with my emotions and feelings, and most importantly make you truly happy for the rest of your life.
I love you with all of my heart and soul”
She was in tears but said she had to leave, she hugged me and left. I left it at that, I didn’t text, email or call that afternoon. That same evening she called me, told she had been out for dinner and had some left over take out for me and if wanted she would bring it over. Of course I said ok. She came over and we talked for 4-5 minutes in the driveway, I told her I loved her and I was committed to doing everything in my power to make this up to her and spending the rest of my life doing so. She said “I love you too” and left. That night I started writing down all my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I wrote a letter for her that night. Not just a letter, but a commitment and a bond . This is the letter
“I have never been so angry with myself in my entire life. Not when my business failed, not even with my divorce. In those failures there were other factors. But this one is 100% my fault. I am furious with myself for the way I have treated you, the person that I love with all my heart.
But for the first time in my entire life, I know exactly what I want. For the first time I'm not nervous about the future, I am excited for what the future has in store. I want spend my life with someone who is kind, nurturing, and loving. Someone strong, confident, and caring. Someone who is as beautiful inside as they are outside. No one that I’ve ever met fits that description for me like you do.
I was wrong earlier when I said I didn't want to make promises to you. What I wanted was not to make promises to you that seemed empty. But I do want to make real promises to you now. Promises that truly mean everything to me and burn inside me everyday for the rest of my life. Promises that are directly from my heart and soul.
These are my promises to you from this day forward:
I promise I will never again let negativity consume my life. I will never let life’s low times steal away from the great times that are always waiting around the corner.
I promise to never let the past affect my constant focus and efforts towards the success and greatness of our future.
I promise to be your biggest supporter, biggest source of encouragement, and your biggest fan regardless of what trials may ever come our way.
I promise that I will never stop working at improving myself, becoming stronger, and growing our relationship to heights and happiness neither of us ever imagined possible.
I promise to continually strive to make our daily reality greater than anything that you or I have ever seen in any of our dreams.
Most importantly, I promise that whenever you look into my eyes you will see a love and devotion that you have never believed could exist. You will see your very best friend, your true lover, your rock, your confidante. You will see your soul mate. You will see a love that is the answer to any question your heart could ever ask.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the terrible way I have treated you, I want you to KEEP THIS LETTER FOREVER! I want you to laminate it! I want you to save it. Keep it in a safe. Do not ever accept anything less from me than what is written here! I want you to give copies to your family and friends. Make sure that everyone knows my promise to you!
This letter is my bond to you!
THIS is my LIFELONG PROMISE!”
I didn’t send it to her. I wanted to read it to her in person first and then give it to her. She texted me in the morning to ask what I was up to and we agreed to meet for another coffee. I brought and read the letter. She was in shock and crying. She didn’t say much other than “Why did you never tell me any of this before?” Then she had to go. I know that I bombarded her with information but I had so much I needed to tell her that I had always held back. We have gone for a few coffees since a talked more. But she says wants time to be alone. She has to lie to her sister when she comes to see me. Her sister wont accept her contacting me at all. She has only spoken to one of her friends so all of her influence right now if coming from her sister. Yesterday we met for breakfast. I had some more positive solutions for our future to share with her and I did, which she seemed somewhat happy with. But then she broke down crying and said “If I decide to come back, my family will never forgive me, they never want to see you again”. Then she said she just has so much to think about and needs time and not to be pressured by me. Then she hugged me tightly and left. At this point I am terrified that she has involved her family so heavily in her “escape” that she wont be able choose me over them. I don’t know what to do, but I think I need to back off now. That is so frightening to me because she is only getting such negative influence from her family towards me. But I think if I keep pushing, she will see that as me competing with her family’s wishes and that will drive her to them. I think she has to make the decision, I just think that she is going to choose her family as they are her support right now. I am tearing apart inside….
Got it. I have been reading DR. And I also have been GAL. I have been working out, lost 10lbs this week, partly because I didnt eat for 72hrs after. I'm also reconnecting with some old friends. I did just read the 37 rules yesterday, good stuff in there but some is super difficult.
I am working super hard to DETACH. That is by far the most difficult for me. I have not initiated any conversations, emails or texts since thursday am.
I only respond if she sends something my way and I am trying to keep my responses kind but brief. No extending convo's. She has been sending some really nice texts tho. I read your message Cadet, believe none of what she says. Very confusing because I want to take the nice texts as a step in the right direction.
I am going to continue to GAL and DETACH. What is the appropriate thing to do if she wants to get together again casually? I don't think there is any way I could say no....if this is going to work out, at some point we have to talk right?
I thought I was through the panic/desperate stage but I had a bit of a breakdown this afternoon. I am trying to keep as busy as possible.
We have not seen each other or spoken verbally for 4 days now. I am doing what I can to GAL. But this may kill me. We have only shared a few text convo's which she has initiated. I initiate nothing.
But yesterday she txt'd me and asked how my day was? I responded that it was going really well and asked how her day was. She did not respond and has been dark since. This is new, she has always completed even our shortest of txt convo's. This can not be a good sign.
I have been through this process before with my previous D. And in that one too, I first laid out my heart but then gave her space. The first few days were to very similar to what is happening now. It was on day 9 or 10 that I received the "final" letter from my ex. I am terrified that this R is going in the same direction and that I am running out of time.
I am doing everything in my power to DETACH but I want to speak with her so badly. Any thoughts or direction?
Going to start implementing the LRT. Have no choice really. I am not going to reciprocate her "have a great day", "have a good night, sweet dreams" texts. I think this is just giving her comfort with what she is doing.
And regardless of how much of a lowlife I was for the past 2-3 years, we have 8 years of good times and great memories under our belts, and I DESERVE a second chance. I didnt cheat, I didnt abuse, I screwed up big time and got a wake up call. But I think i DESERVED at least one serious conversation before the "midnight move".
Eat, exercise and sleep well, I know it is hard but your health is first to get some strength to fight for your M. GAL does wonders to one's self esteem and sanity.
Sleeping is extremely tough. I am way behind on sleep. I do not want to take any drugs but I am going to have to find a way to get good sleep hours in soon.
I am GAL, and its is going well for the most part. Reconnecting with a lot of old friends. And had a new girl hit on me yesterday. HAHA. Too bad I'm not at all interested, but at least I must be putting out some positive energy.
Thanks for the encouragement. It is most helpful. I will update as often as I can. But I desperately want her back in my life.
