I think I see the picnic!

[2chiquitos]

I think I have a better idea of what detaching is now. I don't feel as angry as before. And I'm still willing to continue DB. I realized that I don't need to be angry to detach. That's a reaction not an action.

I am able to see my future (whatever it may be) with content and some eagerness. I'm not afraid anymore. I know my kids and I will be ok (and so will H).

I'm still sad but not as disappointed. When I hear or learn of something that used to bring me down for days it doesn't affect me as much. I'm still hurt and disappointed but I see things clearer now. More objectively.

I continue to go with the flow. Not working at controlling my sitch but allowing my higher power to guide me. I have more tools to continue on my journey. That's a good thing. The more tools the better.

Today H stopped by to see the kids before he went on a hike with friends. I'm so glad he went on this hike with this group of friends. It's what the old H used to do. Before I would've been upset because he wouldn't see the kids all day but now, I think it's important he takes these outings. The kids will see him bright n early tomorrow and in the afternoon.

I went to my future SILs bridal shower. It was nice, real nice. I had a good time. Did a 180 on my family and gave them all a hug before I left. If I do with with my friends and in laws, why not with my own family???!!

[Brit45]

very happy to read this! Your thinking really has shifted are you able to see that as clearly as I can? I hope so. Take a minute and give yourself a mental pat on the back

I'm so glad he went on this hike with this group of friends. It's what the old H used to do. Before I would've been upset because he wouldn't see the kids all day but now, I think it's important he takes these outings.

regardless of the outcome of you R this is such a great thing to do! Before I was slightly bitter "how come h is NOW doing all these I wanted him to do before?" and then I shifted to being happy that he has an experience. (Now I don't really think about his doings but that's a different story) but to shift from having an opinion of when or how or what they are doing to being happy for them is a big growth. Good for you!

[2chiquitos]

I'm reading love and respect. wow!

I corrected/backpedaled yesterday and I got a good response! He could tell I had respect for him.

Details:
I was upset he hasn't installed the ac in the window. My mom has been bugging me about it. I seriously don't mind the heat! But there I go telling H to do it because I don't want my mom on my back anymore.

He said he'll pay someone to do it. I get more upset because we don't have money to pay someone. Conversation ends sour.

Backpedaling-
I told H that I know that if he had more money he would pay someone to install fans in every room along with ac's. I also know that he is not a handyman and that's ok! He has paid someone to do more important repairs in our house than when it was my parents home. (i.e.he had the foundation, garage, and backyard fixed) And, I let him know I really don't mind the heat and that it was more pressure I was getting from my mom.

And with that he left my house beaming ;-)

This is what I got out of reading a few chapters from the book.

[2chiquitos]

Some things that came up in my recovery today. I STRUGGLE to communicate. I seriously don't know how to discuss something without blowing punches. It took me all day to say this but I finally said it in the kindest way,

to H- "when you get out of work late, will you still be going to the gym after?"
his response, no, I will get a sub. it was just these past couple of days that I had to work late. It shouldn't happen often but I will get a sub next time.

APPLAUSE- APPLAUSE -- APPLAUSE --- APPLAUSE

Fellow DB- I would've said, So what happened to you not going to the gym when you get out late OR... I would've held it in and let it turn into resentment.

Just like we have highs, I also have my lows...

Tonite when H left I got really really sad. Kindof like in the beginning when he would leave... I thought I was detaching?????!!!!

[LITB]

Well done Vero.

One step at a time. It takes time to "completely" detach. It is a process. It took me nearly 14 months to get there. Keep working. I have no doubt that you will get there.

[2chiquitos]

Thanks for stopping by LITB.

Today was hectic. I was out n about with the kids all afternoon.

I knudged a little by suggesting to H, you know you can always spend the night when you're uncle is in town.

He responded, thanks I really appreciate that. It doesn't happen often but he snores really loud.

So there, I gave a carrot. See where that goes.

Also, his birthday is coming up and his LL is gifts. I was planning on the four of us going to dinner somewhere I know he likes. I told him it's a surprise***

[2chiquitos]

I was sooo self-destructive today.

I saw H move his overnight bag from the back seat to the trunk. I walked over to the trunk with the intent of looking through the bag in front of him to discover tomorrow's/yesterday's clothes. I had that rush of energy I used to get when I snooped.

What did I discover? The clothes he was going to change into while hanging out with us! What is going on with me?? I thought I was past this!! Things are really really good!

Today H gave a great presentation to the faculty. It was a big deal. So I text him "I'm glad. we (the kids n I) are very proud of you. you are progressing really well at work and we will always be here to support you"

he responded "thanks! it was a big day for me. there was no way I was gonna come to work without spending time with you guys."
He showed up really early to see us before going to work. It was a nice surprise.

But then I go and do that after his text this morning. why do I do this to myself?? why do I have the desire to mess it all up?

[sayitaintso]

Its great that you aware of things like that and are questioning your motives behind them. Dig a little deeper and see what's behind those urges. I usually found that it was some fear-based belief driving some of my actions.

At first I would notice this way after the fact and reflect like u did up there^^^^. Then I would realize it shortly after it happened. I worked towards recognizing it in the moment and making the concious decision to not do or believe certain things.

Still happens but less frequently.

Best!!

[RoRoinMD]

Vero, you are definitely not the only one to do things like this. I don't even recognize the person I have been for the last 2 days. SMH

Like SIAS said, it's good that you are aware of it happening. Now figure out why. I agree for me its mostly fear based too.

[2chiquitos]

Thanks SAIS- sometimes I feel like I should have progressed more in my sitch. I should've detached already. I should've stopped the urge to want to snoop. I understand that everyone goes through it differently but right now I'm frustrated with myself.

THanks RoRoinMD- I've got to look up your thread to know what you've been up to these last few days. If you're like me, you've been getting yourself into trouble too.

As for fear...
What am I afraid of? I need to think about it more because I can't answer that just yet.

Also,
Today I had a thought, a feeling. I don't think H wants to come back. I think he hasn't told me he doesn't want to come back because he knows that I will ask him to stop coming over in the mornings. He can see the kids everyday after work but not in the mornings. I had told him that if and when he decides he doesn't want to come back, these will be the new arrangements.

He had a really difficult time with this when I brought it up back in June. However once in a while (very seldom compared to before), he will talk about our sitch as long term. I'm getting the feeling as if he is just holding back his plans because he's afraid of the consequences.

Well this is just a thought (or feeling) and I don't intend to confront him about it. My sitch is very mellow right now and I am also benefiting from this serenity.