Been gone a while I know but I think of these boards often and just knowing that you guys are out there is always a huge huge comfort. I actually wrote a long update on Aug 1 that some how disappeared into the ether.
I definitely needed sometime away from the boards to catch my breath and in the end I have taken a couple of major steps forwards. The downs still come, usually after I see a "happy family" eating ice cream all together or when my daughter tells me she will wish upon the first star tonight that her Daddy was with us. They are still very very hard but they do pass.
My girls and I have been having a fantastic summer. We spent last week at the beach and it was amazing. I really didnt know until I became a parent how joyous kids were. It is a miracle watching them grow up. I hate to brag but my girls are the cutest and smartest girls in the universe!! They love life. They love every day. When I am with them I feel like a kid again (until they drive me crazy!!)
I see more and more clearly how DB is the only program that can work. As I see it I am out of the equation. I do my own thing with the girls. I continue to work on myself and keep the focus on me. If my H chooses to miss this adventure of raising our girls together that is his insane choice.
Legally my H continues to proceed extremely slowly. Which can only help.
I read Mia Farrow's autobiography which I found on a neighbor's stoop, a sign from a higher power that I needed to read it. Her story is heartbreaking but in the end she has so much love in her life.
I related to many of Mia's codependency issues and it helped me not blame myself so much. Although I behaved badly and Mia may have let things slide that does not mean we deserved this treatment.
One of the true blessings of Mia's story is the only biological child that she shares with Woody Allan, Ronan Farrow. He is now in his early twenties is a prodigy. He graduated from college at 15, Yale law at 21, Fulbright scholar, works under Secretary of State Clinton, handsome, articulate, and on his way to changing the world. Google him.
Woody was granted visitation with him by the courts but choose not to see him. Ronan has had no contact with his father since he was 5. Somehow this kid that was the center of the most public and humiliating custody battles ever turned out wonderful. I want my kids to be equally as well adjusted.
I continue to count my blessings and happy to be back and posting again. Love you guys, thank you:)
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Just wanted to list a couple of the things that still really trigger me. This are the things that make me angry and irrational not the rational things like little girls on their Daddy's shoulders that just make me sad.
1. My kids being away for the whole weekend. I miss them.
2. Acquaintances who have heard the news from my H and tell me that they are sorry we are splitting up but glad that we are both okay about it. (yeah right?!?)
3. Any mention of my former friend/mentor who gave my H kiddie furniture for his new apartment. This makes me get all Real housewives of Bklyn just thinking about it. She makes me wanna puke more that the thought of the POW who I think is just a immature idiot.
I will list more as the come up.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
2. Acquaintances who have heard the news from my H and tell me that they are sorry we are splitting up but glad that we are both okay about it. (yeah right?!?)
Hey Bklyn, This one gets me big time too.
If it's not too awful to talk about, how do you handle it?
Sorry but I tell people I am not okay with it. I am not pretending that I am okay with it. I am done with saving H and his reputation. It's not my job to make people think he's a great guy anymore. I tell people I would do anything to save my marriage but H is not on board. Perhaps it is not DB style but I can't pretend and lie. It is not okay and I wont pretend it is. This is a huge trigger for me as well.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
The reason I dont correct people and tell them that I am not okay with it is because I want my H to come home. If I make him out to be a jerk it will make it harder for him to come home. I need to make it easy for the fool.
The guy I bumped into the other day. Told me it was great that I was okay with everything and I just said yeah, ahuh and then talked about my trip with my girls. He doesnt need to know my true feelings, I can talk about my true feelings here or to my Alanon friends.
A female mutual friend who my H feed his script to all last summer has recently tried to reconnect with me. I think last summer she was very confused as to what was going on, my H claimed I was crazy and unmanageable but breaking up was a mutual decision we were both okay with. Last summer she put me at arms length but now after a year of not saying anything she has reached out. In subtle ways she has told me that she knows this is about him.
Saying nothing works. Time is on our side.
Be the dignified lady of a black and white movie.
Accuray what are your initials?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
That mutual friend helps. She helps because she reinforces from the outside that it is not about you.
In time, the truth that needs to be known is known. In all things. It always comes out at some point, although sometimes it takes longer than we like...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Brooke! I'm so glad you're back. I was seriously counting the day for your return! I hope this break has given you some serenity!
I agree with you about not telling others about Hs resistance. It only puts you in self pity mode. Or so it does with me. If I disregard that question I leave it up in the air. And to tell you the truth I like to think that I have some resistance in this sitch too!
Keep working the program. I am sooo interested in learning more about your progress.
Enjoy the last few days of summer, I am :-)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
