Lots of questions and a good deal of doubt.

[mshaf]

Become the man you want your sons to idolize. Become the man that you want your wife to respect. Become THE MAN.

Mr. Bond,
I might get this tatooed on the back of my eyelids. Thanks.

[mshaf]

Thank you again Mr. Bond. Because of your kick in the a** earlier I went into tonight's interaction with my W with a much better attitude.

W came over to drop the boys off who were both very sleepy. She actually stayed the whole time they were here. Most of the talk was about my sons, but it was easy and relaxed. W actually smiled a couple times. It was only 90 minutes are so, but that is the longest W and I have spent together without bad vibes for a long time.

It was not huge progress, but it was a baby step I think. And baby steps are huge progress.

[Mrs D]

Baby steps are huge!!! Im working on a few of them myself. Unfortunately I like to pounce when things appear better ... throwing me back a few steps. Im learning. Day by day.

[mshaf]

Mrs. D,

You're right they are huge. I looked back at my mini-goals last night and now I can check "Play together with the kids" off my list, or at least put a tick mark next to it.

Jornaling:
Feeling much better about my sitch today. I am left wondering if W is sitting back watching my changes and deciding what to do. There has been no "D" talk for a few weeks and she seems to be a little more comfortable. I'll take this as a good sign. I just need to keep working on myself.

I also found it strange that Tuesday night is the night she usually goes and plays pool, but instead stayed with me and the boys. Good sign? I'll try not to read too much into it.

So if all goes as planned at work today I will get to keep my sons tonight and all day tomorrow. I am looking forward to that.

Maybe if I keep this up there is a chance.

P.S. I saw my S8m/o walk for the first time last night. That was pretty great. Sad that he is growing up so fast, maybe I can be there for the other major life events.

[mshaf]

Ok I am an idiot, or a glutton for punishment. I looked at W's Facebook. Nothing bad on it, but it took my good mood down a couple notches.

Oh well, just get it out of my mind and move on. No more Facebook stalking!

[mshaf]

W dropped of the kids Wed. night and lingered for a little bit. She was very tired so I offered a seat which she didn't take. She hung around and arranged some things in the kitchen. There was not much in the way of talk, mostly about kids.

I don't know if she wanted more conversation.

She left and called around noon the next day to check on the boys.

Yesterday evening we went to register my oldest for day care. No real conversation.

I have been making an effort to spend more time with my boys and I think we are growing closer together. This is something I dropped the ball on before the bomb, so I have doubled down on my efforts to be a better father.

She seems to be getting more comfortable as she is lingering at the house longer.

I am not sure what to make of this, so I haven't said anything.

Should I try to start more conversation, or just be happy with her spending more time around me?

[AlkalineThoughts]

Mshaf:

Great job on making the effort to be a better parent! Keep that up, as it's probably the most important thing you can be doing right now.

IMHO, Trying to start more conversation is a bad idea. Let her be the one to start the conversations whenever possible. Absolutely be happy with her spending more time around, but don't get TOO excited about it and start reading big intentions into her actions.

Keep on your path... And make sure you don't FB stalk... It ALWAYS [censored] the happiness out of you. Even if you find NOTHING, you don't like what you just did.

[mshaf]

Thanks Akaline.

Thinking about it more I don't want to chase her away by trying to jump start a conversation. I will just hold what I've got and hope that by being around each other more she might open up.

I know it hasn't been very long, but I am wondering if she might be second guessing the D. She hasn't mentioned anything about it since the last talk. In that time I have been spending more time with the kids and taking some pressure off her being a newly single mom.

Maybe she sees this as an improvement in my behavior.

I don't think we would have ended up in this sitch if I would have just been a moderately better person. So now I plan on being the best person possible and seeing if that changes the dynamic.

I just got the 5LLs in so I need to start reading that tonight. Hopefully, it will give me a little insight in to how to approach her when she does open up communication.

And you are right the FB thing was stupid. It is definately a motivation drain.

[AlkalineThoughts]

Thinking about it more I don't want to chase her away by trying to jump start a conversation. I will just hold what I've got and hope that by being around each other more she might open up.

Keep doing your 180s, GAL etc. And don't worry so much about doing these things to "get her to open up". Just do them, and you'll feel better and be a better person. A person she'll probably want to open up around!

I know it hasn't been very long, but I am wondering if she might be second guessing the D. She hasn't mentioned anything about it since the last talk. In that time I have been spending more time with the kids and taking some pressure off her being a newly single mom.

Maybe she sees this as an improvement in my behavior.

Maybe she's second guessing, maybe she's not... It's best to NOT try to figure out what she's thinking, as it will drive you CRAZY (and by the way, I say this and have a VERY hard time following my own advice... as you can read in my sitch).

And as far as her seeing an improvement... Remember you're doing this FOR YOU and your KIDS, not for W!!! You're becoming a better person, a better dad, and will keep these changes going no matter what! This is so important, as if you're only doing the change-thing so your wife will notice, you're not getting the point.

I don't think we would have ended up in this sitch if I would have just been a moderately better person. So now I plan on being the best person possible and seeing if that changes the dynamic.

Being the best person you can be is the best gift you can give yourself right now. I hope it changes the dynamic, but either way, it's important to your sanity to keep on that path, even if it doesn't change the dynamic or seems to make things worse.

And please let me know what you think of 5LL. I'm thinking about picking that up myself!

[mshaf]

I have been thinking a lot about detaching and how to do it. I think I may be getting there.

Since I have been paying more attention to my W I have noticed some changes. She doesn't remind me very much of the woman I married anymore. Her priorities seem to have changed.

I am not saying she has changed in a bad way necessarily, just a different person.

I know I still love her, though I question if I am more in love with who she was.

People change, they mature. What seemed like the most important thing in your past life sometimes falls by the wayside.

She will always hold a special place in my heart and maybe some day we will grow back together.

For now, I think I am becoming more at peace with my situation.

It is kind of sad.