This marriage is a disaster. I have been consistent with my personal changes and have had several instances where I thought it was really working to create a positive climate between us....positive enough to make H rethink splitting up. I could not have been more wrong. We can have a very positive interaction one day and the next day his shield is up again. He says that as soon as he becomes a little bit optimistic, there's a little voice inside his head that says, "Don't be a fool! Things will only go back to the way they were." He has moved out of our bed for what seems for good now. We have told the children nothing.
He tells me his goal IS to have a healthy relationship, he just doesn't feel it can happen with me based on our past. I am trying to show him daily that I am a changed person and that I am capable of being the type of person he wants to be with. Not working. Our sitch is made complex by the fact that we live where he works....I will have to be the one that moves out when the time comes. And my youngest son loves it here. We live on a campground and I cannot take him away from this setting. Living in the place he does makes him so very happy.
I do not want a D at all. I stand to lose everything I love....my H and best friend, my kids (not custody-wise, but I do not want to move them out of this house), my pets, my life on this campground, my insurance, my job (the job I have does not provide enough consistent hours to allow me to get insurance), our van (the car I use has 200,000 miles on it), and my in-laws (yes, they do frustrate me, but I do love them). He loses almost nothing, except me, which is exactly what he wants. We live in a very small town so I am very limited in finding a place to live that isn't disgusting or tiny. I have no plans on helping facilitate this process. He needs to make all of those decisions. But at some point I'm sure I will need to move. It's going to get too hard for me to stay here and not go crazy.
I don't really know what my behavior toward him should be right now. My gut tells me to be positive and pleasant, but that generally leads to a pleasant interaction, which gives me hope, which is generally crushed to oblivion within the following 12 hours or so. So do I be as dark as possible while being in the same house?
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
The latest "discussion" was fueled by my suggestion that we go to Indiana to see his 41 year old sister who just gave birth last month after a very high risk pregnancy. I know that is important to him and he has wanted to make this happen as well, so I don't feel like it was totally my idea. I arranged another personal event of my own to clear this weekend.
We had what seemed to be a good talk about it one night and the next night he was angry and upset and said it feels "weird" to be planning a trip for the four of us to take together. There was a 2nd "discussion" a few nights later..I am sure he does not want me to go along, but he has not directly said "You are not going along." That could be a hard one to explain to the kids, since they both know I have said in the recent past that I want to go meet the baby.
I want to have a family weekend together, 1) because I want to see the baby and 2) it will give me another opportunity for me to demonstrate how I am a different and better person. I have been negative around his family at times because I do find them quite frustrating. However, I have learned to table my frustrations and roll with things more easily. I think about what would happen if I were to just get in the car anyway.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
Keep doing what you are doing Jen. Be positive and patient. The little voice inside his head pops up because he doesn't yet trust that the changes are gonna hold. So, be consistent, keep it up and hopefully they will eventually become second nature, natural and easier for you.
Thanks Yankee. I have a lot more to say when I can get on the regular computer and not my kindle!!
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
Last night when he came home, he said, "About this weekend.." and I jumped in and said, "I've been thinking and even though I want to meet the baby, you being uncomfortable with me making that trip is more important than me actually getting to meet her. So if you want to go, then go, and I will stay home." He then said, "Well, I was going to say we can all go together, but just so you know that going to a family gathering is not misleading you." Basically, he said I can go, but it doesn't mean his feelings about me have changed.
What is it I'm supposed to remember??? Believe none of what they say and half of what they do? Once again, I can NOT let my hopes get up, but I am pleased he is letting me see his family. He also said that on Friday night, it will be the first night that his sister has a chance to go out since having the baby, and he said, "I would appreciate it if it could just be me and my sisters." I will be at home with our kids, my 14 y.o. niece (who is babysitting the baby) and probably his mother.
I thought that sounded like a great idea. Yes, please do go out and talk this out without me. Yes, please let me spend time alone with your nieces and your mother. It's the only way I can continue to demonstrate my changes. I have no intentions of "rallying in the troops" and being manipulative. I honestly want to spend this time.
The other thing that happened even before he came home was that I exchanged a few emails with his other sister (the 14 year old's mother). I basically apologized to her for my past behaviors toward her, that i should have been more sensitive to her situation, and told her my heart was breaking and that it makes me very sad to think I would be losing all of his family in this. She responded saying my apology was accepted, that her job is to provide an unbiased ear and support her brother, but that I will never lose her and that she loves me.
When I told him I apologized to her, he looked absolutely shocked. And then thanked me for doing so.
I have never been so vulnerable and open in my life and it's pretty liberating.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
And the roller coaster part is, I am very much looking forward to this weekend and terrified of what is going to happen when it's over.
M:39 H:39 S/15, S/11 (both adopted in 2004, my step-nephews, now our kids) M10, T13 Multiple bombs. Latest one 5/4/12, our 10th anniversary. Still living together and sharing a bed up until 7/18/12.
