Just got back from my trip, it was really nice. I am glad I went. I was a rated PG trip, but that was fine with me.
I took the W to Miami. Even though she grew up in FL, she had never been to Miami. She said she had a great time from the moment we arrived. We just relaxed and just took in South Beach.
Positives From The Trip: - She said she had a great time. - We talked a lot. She made it a point to list out all my good points and again say I have gotten into really good shape. - We made plans for another trip in a couple of months, just the two of us again. - We slept in the same bed together for the first time in months - This was our first trip just the two of us in over five years and it was great
Negatives From The Trip: - I did a mini-R talk on the last night. It sucked. It put her on edge, but it was quick and we recovered quickly. (Bad bad bad me) - She said her and OM are not 'off', but it isn't as fun as before.
This is going to be a long, long process and I believe I am ready for it. While it [censored] OM is around, I think my W is seeing the changes in me and comparing OM to me.
One of the major issues my W had with the M was we never did anything together. This trip was a good step.
It will be impossible for me to go dark, but what I can control is when I invite the W to do things. I will not do this in the future as much as I do now. I will let her be the one to invite me. Going to be tough, but I am going to try.
I need a veteran who has dealt with an OM/OW to give me advice. I know everyone says to stay away if there is an OM/OW, but I see significant progress since we have been hanging out.
Now that this trip is over, going to go back to my GAL activities. The past few weeks, my GAL has involved the W. Need to get back to ME time.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
I look at everyone's situations and try to compare them to mine and I am confused. I try to compare my progress and events to others but don't know if I am trying to compare two different things. Or maybe I am just lying to myself.
D Has never really been a topic between W and I. In talks, she has mentioned she considered it in the beginning but doesn't feel that way. I threatened it when things were going bad in May, but things have gotten considerably better.
There are no "gains" for her or me with a D. She has her own insurance which is better than mine. She is not asking for financial assistance.
OM This part hurts me but I don't see it as a threat. There is no long-term future with them. I made the comment about her having a boyfriend and she quickly told me that isn't a term she would use. He is just there. Upsets me. Hurts me. But not long term.
W doesn't bring OM around her family. I read on JKS post how her H brings OW around his family. This doesn't happen.
Besides the PA which I don't like to think about, W and OM don't do much besides going to a movie (which W pays), hang out at her apartment or something else small (which W pays). They don't have conversations.
The only thing OM has that I don't is my W. That is the bad thing.
But then I think am I being a fool letting this happen? But it is going to happen anyways. I guess because I don't see it as a threat, it doesn't bother me. If I saw the OM as a threat, the two of them getting into a serious relationship, I would probably file for D tomorrow. What does that say about me?
Is my W going through a MLC? If she is, am I supposed to handle things differently? I think my W just needs time. Time to have her own apartment, her own bills. Pay her own way. Time away from a H and kids. I have no problem giving her time because it also means I get time.
We hear the same advice: "Give them space", "Gift of time", etc. My W doesn't want space from me. She initiates activities with me. We have been planning trips together. If she wanted space from me, I would easily be able to do it.
But then space and darkness is scary. What if the space/darkness forces her to the OM?
DB/DR isn't a cookie cutter approach and I guess I am trying to treat it so.
I guess I will keep doing what I am doing and wait for the OM to run its course. I believe the end is coming, but every time I think it is about to end, it seems to start up again.
Just need to play to my strengths and continue to grow. I can keep on this path for a long time. I think I am making small gains daily. While it would be nice to be making progress in huge steps, I don't think that will happen.
SIDE NOTE: This weekend, I saw a card in her car that I sent her in the beginning before I found this site. It was the bad kind of card: pleading, bringing up the past, etc.
I made a comment about it and said she wasn't supposed to have that card as it didn't get delivered. She said she saw it in my mail and took it. It came back undeliverable as she wasn't checking her mail.
I told her that I sent that card when I was down and apologized. She said it made her cry, but a happy cry when I brought up certain things. She said she was keeping them and they would be in the trash if she wanted to throw them away.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
You do have several positives, Lost. And I know that you know your W better than anyone. My biggest concern, however, this entire time has been that you are basically allowing her to have an affair. If you were ok with that affair then that would be a different story. But from your post, it sounds like you're not.
Two things stood out to me. You stated that if she wanted space that you could give it to her easily but then in the next sentence you state that space and darkness is scary. What if it forces her to the OM?
Do you really believe that if you told her that you are not ok being in a M where she openly has a relationship with another man and that you will not continue to be around as her HUSBAND while she continues that behavior... that she will really choose him over you?
This is where boundaries come in. Are you willing to continue tolerating this just because you don't want to state otherwise for fear she would choose him? Does it make you happy to have a W that's "partly" yours?
The second thing... "I believe the end is coming, but every time I think it is about to end, it seems to start up again." Why do you think that is?? Boundaries...
She knows you'll allow it... she doesn't have any reason to let him go because you'll always be there and he'll always be there. There's nothing for her to lose. I say these things because it obviously isn't how you want your M to be. And, again, I see so many positives... I hope for the best for you and your family.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I will stop posting if you don't feel like my advice is wanted. I know we aren't in the exact same situation but I have so much hope for you and I feel like you're doing so well with everything except for this one thing.
We're actually in the same boat, in a way. Because I have this ONE THING that I just can't get over and keep struggling with myself. (catching H with OW when he tells me he wants to be done with her, and confronting him about it and getting extremely angry at him) I recognize it and keep starting over and I'm continually trying to find ways to avoid it from happening in the future.
Both of our answers, I believe, is to detach. Both of our spouses would recognize the loss that they are having to face and they would have to step up to the plate and take action... one way or the other. Right now, we're both just waiting in the sidelines for them to make a decision but how is that fair?
It's not.
I feel like I'm worth more than this. And you are too.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Do I think she will choose her freedom over me? Yes.
That is the scary part. If I drop out of the picture, I fear she will force herself to fill the void with OM. This has never been about the OM. It has been about the direction she felt her future was moving. Did she want a life/marriage where her H was too worried about finances and never wanted to do anything? She had her daughter at 19 and felt life was passing her by. She didn't want kids right away after we married but had them because she knew I wanted kids. She is feeling older and there are things she wants to do while she is still young.
What will probably happen is that I will finally let go and start dating someone else. This will force her to make a decision or the decision will make itself. I have never broken up with someone and then started to date them again. Once I am done, I am done. I guess I am scared of being "done" with my W.
I am emotionally ready to attempt to date someone else. However, my life isn't ready to date someone else. I still have a house that is halfway furnished. My car is on its last days. I need to buy new bedroom furniture and a new car. I would be embarrassed to take a date to my house right now or take out a date in my car.
Our sitch is not centered on the OM. It is about what she wants for her life. But the OM part [censored].
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Seriously, you are not ready to date. Don't even ponder the thought cuz then you're doing the same as HER!
My H said the same thing when I called OW his "girlfriend." He smirked and said it's not that.
He also doesn't bring her around his friends or family. They made it clear they don't want her around, plus I think his sister would beat her up
My H loves to travel and I was always reluctant cuz of our son's health condition. Yesterday he suggested we take a weekend trip together! LOST I AM GOING! I know I made it clear to him that I am not going to act as a family while he's with OW but this is an opportunity I will regret it if I miss it! 3 consecutive days as a family, come on! I know my kids are irresistible but now it's me that will be irresistible! 3 days where I will be the new me, happy, optimistic, playful. The REAL me!
If you feel crappy after your trips with W cuz she's with OM then set it as a boundary. Say, I would love to go on another trip with you (wherever you'd like after you have ended your relationship with OM.
If she sees you dating, she may think, "oh good, he'll be happy now" then after a month (I'm guessing) she'll have 2nd thoughts. BUT you have added another person to this sitch and you will be hurting them...
I would wait 6mos after you have truly detached (which you won't just because your dating) to start seeing other people. Also, be the ROCK for your kids. The emotionally stable parent. They will look up to you in the future as to how you handled yourself in this sitch!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Monthly trips with the W, just the two of us. Dancing Lesson together once a week. Throw in time together one to three nights a week. Maybe a lunch together. Increased amount of texts between each other. I get two nights to myself each week. I get a couple of nights with just my Ds. I don't get the physical affection right now, but I get time with just her, time with just my Ds and time just for me.
Does that make me weak?
If I did date, I think I would be doing it just to spite the W.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
If I did date, I think I would be doing it just to spite the W.
Well, that's a pretty superficial thing to do. Especially when you're bringing a third party into the mix.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Maybe that is why this is a slow process for the W. I know if I saw someone else right now and the W wanted to R, I wouldn't be able to just drop someone instantly. I would probably scale it back just to make sure things work out with the W. Which I can see the W doing right now. Who knows. Maybe the W is hesitant to work on the R/M until she is confident in my changes. Until that time, the OM is around.
Don't get me wrong. I am super upset the W spends time with the OM. It hurts that we spend 3 days together never more than a few feet apart and she talks/texts/sees the OM shortly after returning to town. (My assumption)
However, my W and I have done more together since a month or so after the bomb than we have in the last few years.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Sorry my friend. I think your wrong on that opinion that OM is not a threat.
Here is what OM does.
1. Enables your WAS. 2. Drives a knife between you two. 3. Fills her EN's 4. Takes away from your EN's 5. Leaves you in Limbo. 6. Costs time and money. 7. Is a physical danger to you and your children. 8. Is taking time and energy away from your children. 9. Is building resentment. 10. Can lead to OM2. 11. While in the picture you cannot work on repairing your marriage.
Failing to take this parasite seriously is a mistake.
Your main problem in your marriage is that your wife is committing adultery.
That is the number one issue in your marriage.
If it is not.
Then embrace an open marriage and you both go do your own thing.
And see how quickly it falls apart then.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
