Since almost one year I am working through the DB possibilities.More about my story here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...923#Post2258923 My husband left for Peru, where he comes from. I am Swiss and I live in Switzerland. In February me and the kids travelled to Peru until April because the doctors detected a brain tumor in h's head. My husband got an operation and is well now. But since then all I have planted with the DB seeds is gone again. There is no progress.In contrary. About one and a half month ago I told him I decided to follow his wish and come to Peru. For one year, to try if I could live there with the kids. He got angry, because I said I want to try. Maybe it is like a threat to him because he might think if he doesn't "perform" well I will leave again.. But I don't know. Last month he had to go to Lima again for radiation (so the tumor doesn't grow again) and in that time I was visiting the U.S. for a seminar in DB. I couldn't call him from there and told him that I have my laptop with me so he could find me on Skype. He did once, before he left for Lima and he was not interested at all in anything. I stayed nice and wished him all the best for the radiation. He never contacted me again until I was back in Switzerland three weeks later. By then I decided to enter the last resort technique again. So when he tried to call I wasn't here. Three times I missed his call. He said on the answering machine, he was travelling to Iquitos in the jungle and that he would call again. Well, he didn't (like most of the times he doesn't do what he says he does). So I decided to not call either. Yesterday I heard from my sister in law that my h is home again (and he didn't call) I really feel that I have done everything I can. I thought to decide to not call anymore and let him call or not - would be the best decision. But now I don't know what to say, if he calls (or maybe when, if he does..) He probably will ask, if I don't want to talk to him. I have the feeling, that it is like a fight where each one of us is waiting to see who gives in first. And I don't want this. On the other hand it is really so, that I think I have done all that I can and I became a fixing addict, so I should try to stop try to fixing this relationship. Oh gosh, I think I write very confusing... I hope you understand.
What I wish to find out is, if I should stay strong and not call or if I should call once, since he tried 3 times (although now that he is home he could easily skype me since I am almost always online...)
Tonight I woke up several times and felt that for the first time in this not-really-relationship my thoughts and feelings are going towards ending it. Giving up and not wanting this anymore. I felt that the feeling of loving is fading. I know these feelings. I always felt like this before I quit a relationship in my past. Trying to un-love again. And I see it's like starting to rewrite history, although in my case there really wasn't a lot of good happening in this strange "marriage".
At the same time I know, that if he would start to draw near and to show he really is interested, and would stat to act like it, too, then I will feel different again.
So I am still not detached and it probably will still take a long time...
Just before he skyped me (afterfive weeks...) and I just thought "Be upbeat and don't tell him anything about myself and make it a short talk." So I did. I just told him about some Viamins he asked for and then I said I didn't have time because I had an appointment. And I feel good like this.
What I am wondering though is, how it will ever be possible to be open again with him, without him drawing back immediatly. So at the moment my goal is to just stay short with him and live one step at a time. And to GAL. Tomorrow I will go and see what Zumba is. I'd rather go salsa-dancing though, but there I need a dance partner... We'll see =)
I am seeing him online again, but I am invisible for him...
But I don't even feel like calling him. And I think it's better to not come online, so he must wait. I am waiting since years so the see-saw is not my turn anymore.
He skyped again and talked to his boys. I came in and said hello, and that we are going to eat now. So he said he had to go too and I anwsered saying "very good" sounding happy. I have to be careful, becauuse I am p***** off and I don't want him to notice...
I still am fighting to control my feelings of wanting to quit and give up. And I feel anger.
I just still don't know how to handle the expectations I shouldn't have...
I am trying to do more with my kids. To be emotionally available to them. Many times I'm not so good in it =(
I am very tired. Physically and emotionally.
But I am walking, step by step, because I want to grow!
Amada, sorry I don't have time to respond properly to your question.
I do want to take a moment and let you know that this board is much more active in the "newcomers" forum and keeping your questions to your existing thread there are likely to get you more response. This part of the board can be quite slow.
