First time posting but this sight has been a tremendous support. My situation;
My wife had affair 5 years ago with a mutual friend from our social group (more about him later). At the time she denied it and i had no proof. I basically swept it all under the rug and went on with life. I was out of town on extended travel a lot over the last 4 years.
Over the last year being home i had to face my emotions about the affair and her continued friendship with him. I have not dealt with it well, excessive drinking, withdrawn emotionally from my wife (not respecting or showing love as i should) and even abusive on several occasions. My being drunk is no excuse for my behavior. My wife grew up being sexually abused. She would agree that i have always been supportive and have helped her in dealing with this over the years. she has every right to walk.... I have no excuse. I am ashamed and sorrowful for the pain both physically and emotionally I have caused her. I felt i needed to be up front about this.
After going out with our group of friends and seeing her dance with this guy was too much for me to handle. I told her she needed to choose him or me. Over the next few weeks she basically said she has not been happy for a long time. I suggested she move out and she agreed. I regret that i ever said this, and wish we could have used our time in the same house to try and get counseling together, not sure she would have even considered it at that time.
After much reading, DB, How To Win Your Wife Back, and many hours on this site and others I see that my wife has shown many signs of MLC over the last several years, but still can't distinguish for sure; periods of heavy drinking, excessive flirtation, withdrawn, not happy with anything in her life... maybe i just want to blame it on MLC rather than accept all of the other possibilities?
We have had several good conversations since our separation and she has said she does not want to loose the friendship with me, we have been together since High School. We have only recently started seeing each other at social gatherings with our friends. We are social but she is very reserved and uncomfortable around me. I have really been doing my best at PMA and Acting As If. Trying to do 180 on my lack of concern i showed her over the last few years.
Here is my real struggle. She has said that the affair was only physical one time. This is consistent with an email I intercepted on my computer. But she is very, very emotionally attached to him and I continue to struggle if there is more going on. He is a doctor and has treated her for many ailments over the years and in my opinion is helping her to have a more positive outlook on life. Trying to help her to find her "happiness" and to come out of her shell. I have talked with him and even given him Michell's Blog on EA's. He does not see their relationship as an EA. He is neither pro-marriage nor pro-divorce, he believes we need to do whatever we feel best to find our happiness, be it together or apart. I know he does not speak ill of me to her and has told me i need to give her time. (I hear that...)
So I have this struggle that on one hand I believe he is truly trying to help her, she has suffered much and from what i have read and see needs help. He is trying to help her regain some sanity and to find herself. On the other hand I blame him for her pulling away from me and wonder if I can ever live in a relationship with her when I know she is giving herself so emotionally to someone else. I have told myself that i need to try and look at him as I would a therapist trying to help her??
I read an archive post by snodderly "My Thoughts On Why They Run Away During Their Crisis", that hit me hard. I want to say that I am strong enough to look beyond the past and forgive but it is just so hard right now. Am i kidding myself that there is hope for us?
Maybe there is something useful for you there, some affair resources, etc...
First thing, the emotional dependance your W has on your Dr. friend...my W has seemed to always look OUTSIDE of herself for answers, probably because of the SA and subsequent emotional abandonment by the abuser...she resists looking inside for various reasons, and latches on to a person, thing or whatever that she believes has all of her answers...until its time to look within....then it was on to the next search and belief/attachment. MLC (and LBS) is at least partially about figuring out how to find the answers in the right place (within us). Looking back, has your W had a similar pattern of sorts?
As for the Dr., I am kind of surprised that he doesn't "see" it...when I was in social services we ALWAYS referred client/patient to someone else if a strong attachment developed either way, ESPECIALLY with opposite gender situations. Sounds like she has definitely latched onto him from what you wrote. I don't know if you can look at it as a therapist trying to help her...professional boundary issues being crossed would be a problem for me...BUT...it IS your decision.
All that said, let the EA/Emotional Dependance go...let it run its course...you can't control what she does, and it may have started as "something to do with you" in her mind, but she chose a poor way of resolving your M issues, or coping, just as you (and me, btw) did with drinking.
"Are you kidding yourself?" This may sound flippant, but, it really is the answer within the question...are you? You have to answer this within yourself, imo. The mission, should you choose to accept it, is going to be tough...man, it is hands down the toughest thing I have EVER done...the patience, the letting go of ego, letting go of her affairs, sticking to the plan and what works...and being okay with it all, even IF you don't reconcile.
Forgiveness is for you, I have read here, I find its true.
You have started working on YOU, now really get out that mirror, there is gold to be mined!
Just my quick thoughts...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
to answer the question if you are kidding yourself, what works for me is to quiet my "monkey-mind", or ego, via meditation, prayer, working out, etc and then trying to listen to the voice deep inside me that knows so much more...what does your intuition or gut say?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Is there hope for you (plural)? Oh yeah...but you don't let that bitch drive the car, you'll wake up in a body cast and your car strewn over 5 lanes out of 6 on the highway. Keep hope as a tool to keep going, but...that's about it.
Is there hope for you (singular)? Oh...man, without a doubt. Without a doubt.
Here is the problem with any OM. ANY of them...ANY.
Don't trust them. They are not your friend, they are not your ally, they don't give a crap about you. At worst you are an obstacle to them, in regard to your spouse, or at best?
How many friends do you have that might have already said: "Move on?"
She has those friends too...the OM is one of them.
The worst type are the OM's who say: "Stay together, work on it." But every other word, action or expression destroy that message.
There is a logical dettached way to make it through.
Confronting the again OM? Is not a part of that, right now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks all for your input. So much to learn and to try and put into practice. As you can probably guess I have not learned to detach yet. So many emotions and so much pain.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
"monkey-mind".... Oh how to tame it, one minute want to give up on it all, walk away, next minute want to call and tell her how much i miss her and wish we could just hang out together. I do miss my friend of so many years.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
Had no contact for the week. Wife texted small talk mosty. I was very cordial and shared what had been going on. I Had told her I would repair her motorcycle so coordinated the getting of the bike.
Our g-daughter had dance recital that we were both going to. We sat together, with other family, and I was very friendly and warm to her, she responded likewise and the evening went well.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
I am really trying to DB and do what I can to allow her to work on herself, which she is in many ways. She had sent me a letter a while back how she is trying to not be such a negative person, which she can be at times. She wants to be friends, and I want to rebuild the friendship as well but what does that mean? I am very much holding back and allowing her the space she needs. I do not want to come across as "pursuing", but I do want to show her I still care (which is hard when I am trying to regain my sanity and detach??). I see my boundaries/ground rules as follows;
1) try not to be the one to initiate conversations, either by email, text or phone calls. Let her initiate then be very positive (PMA & Act As If), but real. Do not peruse or act desperate, work on GAL outside of her.
2) continue to find acts of service that I can do for her to show her I still care. She has been very accepting and appreciative when i have done these type things for her.
3) remind myself to be patient and know this is a marathon not a sprint and nothing will happen as quickly as I would like....
4) ???
Thanks all you long timers that are still here offering your advice. I continue to read many others threads and am encouraged and challenged by the advice you give.
I would rather feel pain then never feel at all... Separated 3/2012 T 34 yrs M 27 yrs
