I found out in April my W of 5 years was having an affair. I went through all the emotions, but the biggest was the feeling of abandonment.
She claimed that she needed time to think. We have three children (2, 4 and 13). I gave her the space I thought she needed. She decided she needed to get her own space so she could get away to think. We found her an apartment on what I thought was on the basis on a place where she could get away and think.
During this time, we started to "date" each other. When we were on these dates, this was the woman I married. However, when we were not together, she was with the OM. As good as it felt to spend time out with her, it hurt more when she went to him.
I thought the apartment would give her time to think. I was completely wrong. The OM basically moved in instantly. The rules on the apartment were that it was for her to think, the OM wasn't to be around our kids and the OM was not to live there. I agreed to assist her financially as long as these conditions were meant.
About a month after finding out about the OM, I told her I would not continue to "date" her. We were married and I would not share my wife. I said we should not talk until she had time to think and was no longer with the OM. After that talk, she has intensified her time with the OM where he is around my children, including spending the night with them.
I was going to file for Divorce the other day but decided I wanted to give it a couple of months. I wanted this time so I could know I gave it time. I wanted to be able to tell my children when they got older that mom and dad tried to make it work. I wanted this time in hopes she would finally think about what was happening.
I am going to have a talk with her outlining the rules to our separation as I feel it hasn't been defined. I will inform her of the need to establish separate bank accounts so we each know how much money we will have. I will also inform her that I have set a date where I will file if we are not working on our marriage.
I feel she is going through a MLC. All she wants to do is go out. She has her mom watch the kids on her visitation days so she can go out with the OM for the entire day.
I can't go on like this and I can't be the only one wanting to work on the marriage. Is a two month deadline too short? She has been with the OM for 6 months, been in her apartment for 1 month.
While I suuuuuure wish you had come and posted here before you decided to fund her little love nest, I'm glad you're here NOW, and there are still many cards left to play. There IS hope, but first I need to ask you:
What were your wife's relationships (with other boys/men) like before you two were married? What was your marriage like, before your wife's affair?
What I'm trying to determine is, is this a woman of quality who has made a horrible short-term MISTAKE, and got caught up in it, or does she have other, deeper issues?
The other thing I wanted to ask you is, have you met with an attorney yet? Preferably a really bulldog "men's rights" family law attorney? It doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right now, but you SHOULD be knowing what your options are here.
The first place I would encourage you to start is to try to get a restraining order against this OM, to keep him away from your kids, and to STOP paying for anything that is enabling your wife's affair. While you might not be able to stop her from fleeing from your marriage, there's nothing that says you have to pay for the flight.
I hope your story is a precautionary tale to others who read here, on what happens when a wayward spouse says they need "space" and you do the whole supplication thing, helping them find a place, move their stuff, etc..
95% of the time, "I need space" can be translated as "I need space so that I can conduct my affair, unencumbered."
We had a storybook marriage. We had kids and did a lot of family time. In our nine years together, we have fought less than 5 times total. I can't even remember any of the fights. It was never anything big.
What happened was we recently moved across country to be closer to her family. We thought it would be a better place to raise our daughters and we would have plenty of help.
With the move came a HUGE decrease in salary. A lot more than we anticipated as I was doing quite well where I was but we knew it wasn't something long term. For the first time, we struggled financially. I didn't want to go out because I was scared of not having money. I worked a crappy job with long hours. I picked up a second job to help make ends meet. She started to work, where she met the OM.
With the move also came a detachment from out friends we had made over the past nine years. All of the friends we did family things with or went out with socially ended. After we moved, we kept in touch. Talked on Facebook, etc. However, as time went on, these things became scarce. There were no longer constant memories of our happier times.
I would never had suspected my W to look outside the marriage. I trusted her 100%. I feel that this move away from our comfort and friends contributed to this. She only talks to the OM now. She has little or no contact with her old friends. No one knows about what is going on. She has only made the comment "we are going through some rough times" to the wife that we are close to. She has not told any of our old friends she is seeing OM or that we are living apart.
I told her last night that I was not going to support her financially anymore and we needed separate bank accounts. I wish I would have not helped her move into the apartment at all but I thought it was best if the marriage was to survive.
As it stands now, I live at the house, she lives in an apartment. We have a set visitation arrangement which we follow. Our contact is minimal except when it concerns the children.
She does however ask me for a lot of help. She asks me to make updates to her business website as I am a programmer. I tell her that I am feeling used to which she responds "I am trying to make more money to support our girls". She relies on me for a lot of things. I want to help her, but I don't want to be used. I feel if I help her, she will she what I do for her which is good. But I also feel if I help her, she will convince herself that no matter what happens I will always help me.
To anyone considering helping your spouse get setup in a new living space, please learn from my mistake. I am sleeping on a couch because she took the bed. I am living tight because I tried to support two households. My W is using this space to spend 100% of the time with the OM, including when our daughters are there.
I do not want to a Restraining Order as I want to use this as leverage when I try for sole custody.
Move back into your bed. Immediately. Why are you sleeping on the couch???
See a good "men's rights" attorney. Immediately.
If it (helping her) helps the joint family income, then MAYBE, but I wouldn't be doing anything else "husbandish," as she has fired you as her husband. It's pursuing and enabling when you help her.
Stay dim, conversing only about the kids. When you DO find yourself around her, be courteous. Treat her like a roommate who's a friend.
You need to protect -- firewall -- your finances IMMEDIATELY. Once she thinks you're serious about cutting her off, people can do desperate things when they're being fueled by the strong pull of ENTITLEMENT that is an affair.
I have nothing else to sleep on right now as our bedroom set is in her apartment. Part of my GAL is to re-furnish my bedroom.
Neither one of us can afford a divorce lawyer and we have discussed it before. I doubt she will fight me as she doesn't have much ground to stand on. The state I live in rarely awards alimony for marriages under 10 years. Our visitation agreement gives me the kids more than her. My state prefers joint-custody. I believe I have an agreement that she will agree to. I will go for full parental responsibility as I already pay for all the expenses for the children (day care, activities, etc). I will show the judge the OM's past and present criminal record. I will show the judge the school attendance log where the kids do not attend school on her assigned days.
She has mentioned that she didn't want kids right away when we married. She was shown that she would rather have her mother watch the kids on her assigned visitation days so she can spend the day with the OM. I think this would give her the "out" she is looking for.
However, I never thought she would go outside the M so I could be wrong again.
Financially we are in agreement. She has her account, I have mine. She is aware that I will no longer assist her financially.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
The W of the couple we are closest to called my W the other day because she was concerned. We all worked together and hung out in the same circles. Our children are the same age.
She was going to fly across the country to spend time with my WAW to kickstart her family emotions. After talking to my WAW, she told me that she is lost. My W has tasted freedom and likes it too much. She enjoys being a part-time Mom and going out all of the time.
She told me the OM and my WAW will never evolve into anything. They don't have any meaningful conversations and basically just do fun things without any children around.
That is what hurts the most. I like to do things. I like to go out, but my WAW doesn't see me like that anymore. I also understand her MLC and have no problems if she wants to be a part-time Mom for a bit. I am not going to lie, I also enjoy my nights without the kids a bit. The problem I have is the OM. Why does she need the OM? We could go out together 3 - 4 times a week now that I found the job I was searching for with nights and weekends off.
The friend told me that my WAW believes that I will always be there for her. I will be there to watch the children at any time, which is true. I love my daughters and I love my wife.
I have gone dark and am at the LRT stage. I gave her an ultimatum date of August 2012.
If I end up filing for D, I am moving back West. I moved to FL because her family is here. There is nothing here for me. All of my support and better job opportunities are out West for me.
The friend asked my WAW/MLC what she is going to do when I move back. At this point, my friend said panic arose in my WAW/MLC voice. She said I would never do that.
While it would kill me not being around my Ds everyday, I feel that I need to get my life back in order and being alone in FL isn't helping.
Before the August 2012, I will tell my WAW/MLC that I intend to file and after it is done, if not sooner, I will be moving back West.
There are three scenarios for this: A) She gives me Sole Parental Responsibility and allows me to move the Ds back West. B) She takes Sole Parental Responsibility and we setup visitation where I come to FL every other week or every 3rd week to see my Ds. C) She finally drops the OM and we being work on our M and move back West.
What my wife wants is to be a Part-Time Mom as she is MLC and enjoys the freedom. Scenarios A & B will not allow this.
In a way, it feels like a threat, but it isn't. I am not happy in FL and need to be around my support. I am an IT consultant. I don't know if I will do a full move or pickup a 90 day assignment, but I do need time with my support.
Do I wait until August 2012 comes closer or do I tell her my intentions now? I am planning a trip out West in a few weeks so I can interview for some positions and she will have to watch the Ds an extra day. Do I tell her why I am going then?
My support is out there. I will have a place to stay rent free. I will be better off financially and emotionally.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
