As of tommorow its been a week since i found out that my wife was having a affair. I want to explain my situation from start to finish. I am hoping by getting it all down on paper that someone were will understand and have some advise. I really need support right now because i hurt so bad my senses are dull.
My W and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have been together for 7. Once we had 2 years into our marriage things got messy and my wife asked me for a divorce. She said she was unhappy and gave me a list of reasons why we should be together. I think started divorce busting. I worked my ass off to save our marriage and after about 7 months she agreed to get us to work on our marrige.
I kept on my path of change and kept focusing on us and our relationship. I am sure that i wasnt perfect but i was leaps and bounds better then i was before.
So three years past and we havent even been back 100 percent but i belive we are still working on it. She then stops wanting me to touch her. I try and deal but respect her wishes. It then goes from no touch to she isnt in love with me. She hasnt been in love with me since the first time and i made her stay by emotional abuse.
So, i try and leave and move on. However, i get curious and i find out about a affair. She was sending videos to some other man. These videos were of her doing things that arent good for our marrige and she was also confessing her love for him. Her telling him she loved him hurt me far worse. I could see it in my wifes face that she loved this man. I know her and she hasnt look at me like that in a long time.
I call her up and i am angry. I am so angry that i can control myself. I am screaming and yelling as she is lying to me. She then comes to the house. I send my daughter in her room and tell her to turn up the TV. I quickly try and get the videos on a jump drive. (for court) She then comes in attacking me screaming "Give me my laptop" She attacks me and jumps up in my face. I then push her down. I drop the laptop the second that happened because thats not me. However, she then lunges at it again and takes it. I then take her phone and try and call the first name i dont know. She is still attacking me. Finally, i calm down and we barely talk but express just anger and hate. She says she is now scared of me because i pushed her. This is a valid thought at the time however that made me even more angry because we have been together 7 years and i have barely raised my voice to her let alone anything else.
She calls her parents over and i get my daughter out of the house and move my stuff out with my friends. Her mom is then running her mouth saying lies about me and about what happened. i argue and scream what really happened and its all a mess.
I now live with a friend and cant seem to stop texting my wife to ask questions about OM. We are semi ok and are dealing with this situation. She is taking the abuse and being semi supportive. I need to get over her and i dont know how. I dont think there is any way we can come back from this and my life is shattered.
The break up is still very hard on me but i am getting out there. I am chatting with women. (not dating any but chatting) I just think that it may be time to move on...if she come back we will see what happens but i am just too broken.
Any advise or support would be welcome.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
You know that yelling, screaming, and pushing her were absolutely abuse, right? Just so we are clear, you emotionally abused her by yelling and screaming in her face (it's minor but it's still abusive) then you physically abused her (and don't go into the 'but I was only trying to blah blah blah') by pushing her down. None of that is acceptable in any way.
Now you say you can't stop messaging her and asking about OM and want to message her and tell her you are coming home? These are not the actions or reactions of a loving spouse.
IMO, you need to go and have some professional help before you can begin to try to heal your M. Have you done that? Have you sought counseling from a professional? If not, do it now.
Until then, there really isn't anything more I can say.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I am in counselling and i understand pushing her was wrong. I just wanted to be honest here. It wasnt right...that was however a message that re-posted from the affair section. This was a one time situation not something that has happened in our 7 years of marrige and it does change everything...i am broken and beaten.
However, i havent messaged her tuesday. Thank You, for being so blunt with me far to many of my friends are giving me excuses...i dont think that im worthy of them. It happened its not the most horrible thing in the world and it showed that i was hurt but i need someone to say its not ok because its not...my guilt is consuming to say the least.
I am doing ok
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
I am in counselling and i understand pushing her was wrong. I just wanted to be honest here. It wasnt right...that was however a message that re-posted from the affair section. This was a one time situation not something that has happened in our 7 years of marrige and it does change everything...i am broken and beaten. you are NOT defeated. Many people have had this, and worse, happen to them and they have picked themselves up and moved forward. You have a daughter from a previous r? That r ended and you did not curl up and die, did you?
As for saying you "divorce busted" before...how so? B/C you also said after four YEARS it still wasn't that great or 100%
so how did you divorce bust before?
Do you mean you simply got your w to stay married?
OR DO YOU MEAN YOU CHANGED & USED THE METHODS HERE TO DO SO?
there's a big difference
However, i havent messaged her tuesday. Thank You, for being so blunt with me far to many of my friends are giving me excuses...i dont think that im worthy of them. It happened its not the most horrible thing in the world and it showed that i was hurt but i need someone to say its not ok because its not...my guilt is consuming to say the least.
it's NOT Okay and it's also NOT admissible in court, btw...
So don't even go there. If your wife has had an affair, and yes- it sounds like it-
decide if it's something you'll ever get past b/c if it's not, then drop this all and move on.
But if you really want to be married to this woman and NOT just simply want to be the one who does the leaving...(as opposed to being the one who got rejected, which is your pride talking) then
why not go back to the list of things she complained about before and see what LASTING changes YOU made vis a vis that list? were they real? Bottom line- you want her to believe marriage to you could be better/different than before- or she won't come back. Period.
So how are YOU SHOWING THAT?
Suggesting that you two just go make love and "fix it all" reveals a very immature approach to conflict resolution.
Texting that would also be the OPPOSITE of what you need to do now.
Back OFF! You can't be around her right now b/c you are not in control of yourself.
Losing control is so NOT attractive...and it's scary - which gives her ammunition now.
Also, You are nowhere near ready to date and it'd be terribly unfair to a woman for you to pretend otherwise.
But having fun w/friends is mandatory!
we all talk about Getting A Life a lot b/c it works!
What are you doing to GAL? Join something or take a class or learn something new. MEET NEW PEOPLE who don't know your marital situation.
Did you read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy book? I sure hope so. If not, start there and read the book BEFORE you spin your wheels anymore doing the opposite of what you need to do.
And please spend time with your daughter, who is probably very freaked out right now. Is she close to her step brother? How is HE taking all this? Be the best dad/step dad you can be right NOW. The kids need it - it's the right thing to do, and no woman is unmoved by that.
Seeing her son and you interacting positively is a good thing no woman just throws that away. And seeing you show your d how a man "mans up" when he's made a mistake AND MOVES ON, is important too.
You can get through this. You will.
There's no shame in getting professional help. Been there, done that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the feedback. I am getting much better. I did a drunk dial on saturday night...it was a friggen mess. This is a really rare thing since i didnt drink very often in the relationship. However, i have done a lot of soul searching and I have come to conclusion of a few things.
1) Divorce Busting- Worked..i fixed my stuff and i havent slipped back. I was a better husband and was more for what she was looking for. However, the things i needed her to take part in. (sex life, spending time) She failed at...she never put forth a true effort and i was too happy with being back together to see that. I also didnt have the confidence that we where back together.
2) Our Relationship is Over- I dont want to go back to that relationship. If my wife and i did get back together she is going to need to earn it. She is going to have to start being committed to the relationship and working with me to make this work. It doesnt work if we are both not committed.
3)Goals- I have 3 goals.
1) Lose Weight (This is for goal 2) 2) Learn to Surf 3) Find my own place to live. (i am living with a friend)
She told me today that she is filing for a divorce on saturday. I showed her support and ask a few questions. I told her i would be there for her if she needs to talk about her mom. However, i didnt push..I let it be and showed that i was ok with what is happening. She thinks its a game to me and i am just trying to win. Well, sadly i have to stop caring because the path of me caring is just devastating me.
Dont get me wrong. I am hopeful but it will take time and desire to fix this.
Thanks for all your guys support.
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
Supporting my wife is very interesting. I kind of changed the momentum and i am no longer the victim. She is telling me it cost to much for the divorce. I am saying i support her. However, i cant pay for it at this time. If things change and once i am settled i will do so.
However, she kind of asked me for $60.00 to pay some bills. What do you guys think?
M:33 W:32 Married 10/28/07 C: B13 G10 (Both from different relationships) 12/30/09 Bomb Divorce Busted 2/04/10 5/15/12 Bomb 2
