Sadly Returning

[Hopingtomakeit]

Hi Guys,

Long time no see. I used this program and fixed my marriage two years ago. We got our lives back on track and i fixed all the issues she was having with me in the marriage. I worked really hard and after a couple of month we gave it another go and things for the most part were pretty good.

Recently, however my wife's friend started having marital issues and for some reason this has caused us issues. It started with my wife no longer being sexually interested in me, She started going out on friday night and then a lead to us on Sunday morning getting to a point were she wants it to end. She says nothing has changed in the last two years for her. She said i have done everything in my power its not me. I am a great husband. She just doesn't feel that way about me.

So, now i dont know what to do. Should i move forward with a divorce? Should i keep fighting? Should i move out? I am currently sleeping on the couch and she keeps asking me to come to bed with her. (I have some neck problems...she is saying she doesnt want to hurt my neck) Should i do that? Is that a good first step. This time is very different for me then last time. Last time, i was so willing and motives to changes and fix thing. This time i am just so hurt and broken. I am so angry. I cant keep myself from saying things like. "Its going to be your house." "Does this make you happy." I am struggling to be that support man who loves her and wants to help her. I am just so angry and want her to realize she is throwing this all away. I cant understand why she doesn't value our relationship.



Here is a couple more pieces of insight.

1) I think that were i failed last time is when we fixed stuff. I didnt cement myself into her future. She doesnt see a future with me and i think that is one of the major issues.

2) Looking back on our debate yesterday. I think i am pushing the divorce more. I think i was trying to get her to admit she still wanted to try and it backfired. Now i am in a weird spot.

3)I am a friggen mess right now. I cant eat and i cant sleep.


Anyone with any insight that would be helpful. I do want to save my marriage but i dont know how. The book doesnt really help me here or maybe im not looking in the right place. If you need more information. I will gladly give some.


Travis

[Hopingtomakeit]

One More insight.

I have been pushing her to make some choice and talk about this. If she wants the D lets tell the kids and talk about the finance stuff. I am hoping she will change her mind but maybe im not giving her the space she needs to work this out in her head.

[robb]

I know what you mean. I want to say, OK if this is what you want, let's sit down and plan what is going to happen.

Most times it seems though that they don't know what they want.

[mishka422]

Travis, I'm so sorry you find yourself back here in this situation.

You know the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Is it possible that putting some distance between you may help her to think more clearly about what she wants?

I'm not saying that you should leave your home, that may be a little too extreme, but separate yourself more emotionally from her.

No R talk. Keep it to the simple things and logistics. Don't talk about D, it tends to make it a foregone conclusion in their already muddled minds.

In short....just step back and give her space and time. Don't make any decisions or chart a direct path.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Thanks for the advise. I just read all my stuff from before and saw my issues. Here is my leaving situation.

I have a daughter. She lives with me every other week. So on weeks i have her. I have to live at home because i dont want things to be weird for the kids.

On weeks that i dont have her. My son may notice that there is a issue. (I have a step son)

I could live with a friend for a couple of weeks and see what happens. I am not sure what to do.

I am struggling to figure out if i should sleep with her at night let alone the rest of the stuff.

[Hopingtomakeit]

Mishka,

Ya, i am not sure what the best coarse of action is. I have been doing my 180 and i have been consistent. Yes, some weeks i will not do as good as others but i am really doing a way better job. Things have changed in the last year. I am the main bread winner. I help out a lot more and we spend almost every weekend together. The problem is she doesn't want to do anything but sit around that house. The second problem with that is i don't force her to do anything else because i am completely ok with that. My wife has also become very fit and works out often. I am kind of on the heavy side. This is something i need to work on. I started a heavy work out last night and will continue to do so. Sadly, that's not a hobby that i feel we can both get into because i really hate working out. I know i have to do it but i really hate it...it has zero fun quality's to me. However, that doesn't mean we can't work on something active that we both enjoy.

travis

[Hopingtomakeit]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1930516&page=5

Original post

[Hopingtomakeit]

bump

[clove]

I could be reading too much into this so feel free to ignore me. But where are you? It seems like you've lost yourself in all this. Which means you'd have a very low self esteem right now. That really the relationship and your wife are what make you, you.

Take care of yourself, figure out what you're about and build your self esteem.

The next thing i would do is stop any manipulation. It will backfire and you'll regret not being the best you. Sometimes when you put it all into fixing the relationship you loose a part of yourself and take on all the responsibility leaving her not invested and you lost.

The last thing I would say is begin taking care of your own needs as best you can and give her some space.

I realize you've been here before and you don't feel like doing it necessarily but reading Divorce Remedy might wake you up. If you separate you may be alarmed at how you feel.

I'm sorry if I read over your situation too quickly and my perspective is off/wrong.

[totallydevoted]

Hoping...almost same sitch. W and I separated 3 1/2 years ago...things backslided and now we are in mediation on Thursday...D is imminent. The only thing I can suggest is to GAL...don't worry about doing things with her...only do things for you, and kids if necessary. Your W seems to have checked out right now...mine is definitely going through MLC and there is nothing I can do about it. Your W may be as well...especially since friend(s) are going through same...sort of a "start a new life pact"...what fun....emotional Thelma and Louise's.

My W sister divorced last year and I feel this has something to do with my sitch...grass is always greener from sister because misery loves company. So...she set me up to fail...to be perfect just for an excuse...relying on me for her happiness. This will only hurt my W...because she really has no clue what she's doing, she's flying by the seat of her pants with no clear direction...never focused on herself through any of this, and same issues will just follow her around for the rest of her life. I'm sure I'll get blamed for it though. But, I hope she does take this space and time to truly be honest with herself...to focus from within to become stronger and more self confident. Because the only way we will R in the future is if she can admit that no one else is responsible for happiness...and she's able to let go of the past. She will not be able to do it if she refuses to take any responsibility for her sitch and her own mental well being.

Again, all I can do is focus on myself, look within for my own happiness, love myself and my surroundings because that will only make me love others better. I've done evrything I can for my R now...and it's all in my W's court...I have no control so I am not even going to try. I'm going to be a good friend, a good father and be supportive as much as I can...but I'm GAL(ing) like mad. I suggest you do the same my friend...no matter how hard it is, you cannot rely on your W for your emotional support anymore. If it's meant to be and you truly begin to focus on yourself, your W will take notice and see you differently. When she does then you have all the control (use it wisely)...and if not, then the worst we have is a better you.