Journaling after a tough few months - this will be long so apologies in advance!
I had started to detach completely as of the end of June and things between me and the ex seemed okay - we were getting on and the frostiness had thawed.
We jointly attended a wedding in early July and she was a bridesmaid, we got on well, had chats and banter and were comfortable in each others company for almost the entire day.
People at the wedding and mutual friends were constantly in her ear saying that she should give me a shot, that we were a good couple and she was throwing away a great chance at happiness.
She told people at the wedding (privately) that she had not ruled out getting back together but that she had become unhappy with our seperate lives in our previous relationship and that she felt that I took her for granted.
Towards the end of the day her mood changed, she broke down in tears and told me that she had looked at the bride and groom and thought that it should be us up there getting married, and she felt that I had not fought for her - to say I was shocked is an understatement.
I told her that what she had said was unfair as I had wanted to work on the relationship since January but accepted that I had been speaking to other women and had gone on a few dates and she said that moving on like that had made her feel like I did not care.
On reflection, I realised that this was true and that I had lied to her about the fact that I was still speaking to one girl in particular (in my defence I thought it would ruin my chances at a reconciliation if I had told her).
That night at the wedding ended with a hug but she would not discuss anything with me and said she needed space.
The next day I contacted the OW to let her know I still loved my ex and that I needed to fight for my family and that I could not keep stringing her along when my heart was elsewhere - I needed to prove myself and fight for what I truly wanted.
The 3 weeks following the wedding I went into overdrive (probably wrongly) - I made her meals, sent flowers, let her borrow my car.
I had also arranged a family trip for me and the kids to go abroad - she said that she would really struggle whilst they were away.
In order to keep her occupied and relaxed, I arranged for a suprise beauty treatment day whilst we were away and bought her a CD with a song on that she had wanted to play at our future wedding - (Shania Twain - Still the one).
On my return from holiday she said she was still confused and needed space.
Rumours had started that I was not getting the full truth from my ex and I started to question her about whether she was seeing someone else - she denied anything had happened with anyone, but the rumours continued to escalate until she finally admitted to sleeping with her boss since February and that she had slept with him several times since.
For information, her boss is married with 2 kids and has not left his wife (nor does he look likely to).
I asked her why she had lied to me and led me on for so long, I was furious, and she said that she did not want to tell me for fear of hurting me and also because she hoped that we could work things out.
She is adamant that nothing happened before we split, but has said that he told her he liked her before we seperated - I believe her and friends have told me that she approached them before Xmas and told them about her boss saying something and that she wanted to quit her job because it made her uncomfortable.
She said she slept with him In February because she was so down and he continued to pursue her - he made her feel better and feel wanted - something she had not felt with me for a long time.
At the moment I have asked for a period of no contact, the kids are being picked up at our parents house in order that I do not see her because I cannot keep my emotions in check.
I have slept with other people since we split so the thought of her being intimate with someone else (whilst nauseating) is not a deal breaker, I am not a hypocrite.
But this week during no contact I have realised she is still what I want, I think of her constantly and dream that we can work this out - her family and our friends all want to see us back together.
She has admitted that whilst this guy makes her feel desired now and again, she is in the middle of what she calls a "cheap sordid affair" and that she is not happy with her life.
I have learned through this last week that to feel loved she simply needs to feel desired, loved, and to be doted on by someone.
She has accepted that she knows I have realised where I went wrong before and that I would make the necessary changes but she feels that she no longer wants that from me.
I do not want to stop fighting for her, but do not know the best way to approach things.
I want to dote on her, I want her to see that I can make her happy but I do not know how to do this without breaking all the DB advice with regards to showering her with gifts, affection and compliments.
I want to spend time with her but I dont know how to approach it.
The OM is married and only sees my ex about once a month, he is blatantly using her and has no intention of leaving his wife, has had multiple affairs.
He also knew that I had paid for her beauty day and sent her flowers to the salon simply, in my opinion, because he did not want her thinking about me.
I still feel like I have the upper hand in the long term because of the kids, and just 3 weeks ago she was deeply upset at the wedding when she saw "what could have been".
My friends in the main think I am stupid, but I am only following my instinct and I know we can be happy family all together - she has herself admitted that seeing her kids with another woman in their lives, seeing me move on, being involved with a married man, and not having her kids full time does not make her happy.
I asked her to define what her "happy" looks like and she simply said she wants to feel loved, valued, and desired. She wants to be treat like she is important to somebody.
Help!! I dont know how to approach this without going against all DB teachings???
Hard not to contact her when she is all I think about. Need some positivity!!
Taking kids out today and spending as much quality time with them as possible.
The holiday a few weeks back taught me that I didn't want to share my kids with any other woman, I wanted her there with me to share experiences with our kids together as a family.
Had a chat with my ex tonight and she says she thinks we are over as there is too much hurt and anger around us.
She says that she thinks she loves the OM, even though she knows he will never leave his wife, and that in the long term she accepts he won't make her happy.
I'm really at a loss at what to do, just 3 weeks ago she gave me the impression that we could work things out and even asked if I would consider us all moving abroad if we got together....yet now she is not confused (her words) and says she was just confused at the wedding.
I know I'm still over analyzing but she was pretty clear in what she said so I can hardly be accused of second guessing!!
Spoke with my ex today and she says she doesnt think things will work between us as there has been too much water under the bridge - my parents went ballistic with her when they found out about OM, and made their thoughts perfectly clear.
She let slip in the discussion that she thinks she might love the OM but she is realising he is "not all he is cracked up to be".
Wow, I am reading all your post and it is a roller coaster ride you are having right now. How are your kids responding to all this? It must be affecting them a lot. I guess you just have to keep getting GAL and letting her have space. Could it be possible that you are doing to much pursuit?
