Stuck in Holding Pattern 2

[ben11]

Last thread got locked. You can find it here:
Stuck in Holding Pattern 1

During the last 7 months, it's felt like a wild ride. Looking back, and in in comparison to other stories, it's been pretty tame. I guess that could be a good thing, but on the other hand, it just means nothing's really happened. Just circling around the runway in a holding pattern, figuring out which runway I'll be cleared for landing.

The good news though is while I've been circling, I've remodeled and wherever I land, I'm going to be better than when I took off. That's the beauty of this site, DB, and the mindset of fixing yourself first. It's made me a better man for sure, and has opened my eyes to what I can accomplish when I set my mind to it. The sky's the limit.

Anyway, enough with my silly airplane analogies... Hope everyone has a good weekend, and that when I come back Tuesday, that I can read that some things have turned around for some of us stuck in the thick of it. Although I feel like a lot of us are succeeding in DB techniques, and fixing ourselves, it would be nice to see some Ms get R'ed in the process.

Stay patient, stick to the process, and trust in God.

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

[bustorama]

This is me partly thinking out loud and partly directed to 25.

Getting on with one's life is not "giving up." I remember that I used to see things that way when I was in limbo, but I no longer saw it that way after I left limbo, nor now in hindsight.

When one of the spouses (WAS) has chosen not "be" in the R (whether by separating, affairing, filing for divorce, checking out or whatever you want to call it), then AT THAT MOMENT there IS no R to give up on. The R you feel you are waiting on, hoping for, working on is a thing of the past. An R is *two* people actively and willingly engaging each other. One person cannot have a relationship.

Accept your present and live it. It may involve a NEW R with your WAS in the future, it may not. But it will certainly lead to your future.

Living alone in an R that is broken or that no longer exists will not.

[jlove]

You bring up good points Busto. One really has no choice but to "get on." The present will always be what it is, and what you choose to make of it. I think that many WAS respond more positively to positive energy. kinda makes sense.

[ben11]

Got back from a golf-trip with some friends. Had a really great time. But now, it's back into real-life mode. I've thought a lot about Busto's last post, and talked with my friends who know both W and me very well. It's time to "move on".

W and I are meeting tomorrow evening for coffee. I'm not sure on what I'll say, or how I'll say it, but it's time to get out of limbo. We either need to be actively working on our M, or actively working on dismantling it.

I'm going to ask her where she's at, and try get to the bottom of the direction she wants to take. If it's anything besides wanting to move towards R, it's time to end things. This basically includes her getting all her possessions out of my place and deciding on what to do with the rest.

This is going to be hard...

[bustorama]

Yeah, it is a tough conversation. Be as civil and self-positive about it as you can.

Remember, all you are really doing is accepting her actions not to be in an R with you. By you saying, "I am not ok with staying married to someone who treats me and our M this way." or simply "I am not ok with this (anymore)," you are valuing yourself and, presumably, your core boundaries about who you want to be and how you want to be treated by others.

As much as you can, make it about what YOU are ok (or not ok with) in a relationship (general), not about what you wished SHE would have done or not done. And the boundary enforcement can even be almost apologetic, "Ya, I'm sorry, hon, but I'm not ok with this situation anymore. I have decided that it is best for ME to move on."

If she asks why or protests, "Well, I would have preferred to have worked things out with you, but I want to be in a R with someone who wants to be with me and who wants a committed R with me. I just don't feel that from you, and I know there are others out there that would feel that for me. I wish you all the best, W."

She is free to reverse her path over the course of the next few months if she changes her mind. Perhaps you will want her back if she does, perhaps, like Mikey from Swingers, not.

[ben11]

Thanks for the advice busto. I hope I'm able to get my words out properly. I'll try keep it civil and as about me as possible and try not to talk about her and what she didn't do (or what I wished she would've done).

This is going to be a long day of work tomorrow with this on my mind. I feel fairly at peace right now, but as the time gets closer, I probably will start freaking. I don't think she will have any idea that this convo is coming.

[2thepoint]

Ben, it sounds like you are on a mission. My only caution would be if you have any concerns about not being able to say exactly what you want or need to say and be able to enforce the boundaries you will be establishing, then it may be best to hold off until another time when you are better prepared.

Wishing you the best for tomorrow!

[ben11]

Thanks 2tp,
My only boundary at this point is that I wont be in a relationship (if you can even call it that anymore) with someone that has any kind of OP in their life. I don't even really plan to bring up the OP unless she really wants to get into the reasons why I'm doing this.

Basically, all I'm there to say is what Busto stated above:
- I'm not ok with this situation any more, and I need to move on
- I need to be in a R with someone who also wants to be in a R with me. It doesn't always have to be a perfect R, but it has to be one where we both feel safe, and know that each is as committed to the M as the other. I don't feel either of those things, and haven't for a long time.

I really don't know how it's going to go. I don't know what her reaction will be. Trying to prepare for anything, but if the last several months have indicated, she'll probably be sad and say that she's not ready to let go, but at the same time, she'll do nothing to convince me otherwise. That is no longer good enough for me. Time to get a foothold back in this part of my life.

[Maggie3]

Ben, best of luck to you tonight. You have worked really hard on GAL- and on improving yourself and you deserve someone who wants to work hard with you on your relationship. Keep that in mind during your talk. I'll be looking forward to checking how it went tomorrow.

My one thought is maybe don't bring up the OM- even if she asks for reasons. Whether there is someone else in the picture or not doesn't even seem to be the point. If he is not in the picture but she still isn't putting any effort in, would it change things from your perspective? I'm guessing no. Not communicating with the OM would be her working on the relationship, so maybe just keep it at the fact that you don't feel as though she is working on the relationship. I think if you bring up OM she will shut down and only hear that- control.

[ben11]

My one thought is maybe don't bring up the OM- even if she asks for reasons. Whether there is someone else in the picture or not doesn't even seem to be the point. If he is not in the picture but she still isn't putting any effort in, would it change things from your perspective? I'm guessing no. Not communicating with the OM would be her working on the relationship, so maybe just keep it at the fact that you don't feel as though she is working on the relationship. I think if you bring up OM she will shut down and only hear that- control.

You're absolutely right. Her not communicating with him at all, but doing everything else the same as she is now, would not change things. I'll do my best not to bring it up. I know he's a symptom of the problem.

Thanks for the support. I'll be sure to update as soon as I can. Starting to get a bit nervous now... but I haven't once wavered that this is the right decision for ME. I'm back to ME, and not US. US is now dead.