Hi, I've been reading these boards for a few months and have been inspired by all the help that can be found here. You all are great, God bless each and every one of you. Here is my sitch-- I am 49 and my husband is 63. We've been together for 5 years, married for 3 tomorrow. Second marriages for both. When we met, it felt like love at first sight for both of us. Like soul mates. I have two children from my first marriage (daughters) who are now 13 and 17. His own daughter passed about 15 years ago and he has a grown son. When he was turning 60 we were supposed get married when he suddenly said that life was getting too short for him and he didn't think he wanted a family (even though he loved my daughters). So we broke up for a time but he kept coming back. Finally, he said that he really loved me and wanted to get married so we did. Over the last year, he became very distant and moody and finally said that he loved me very much but didn't want to be married anymore, again stressing that he was older and that he only had a few good years left to do what he really wanted. He also said that we were incompatible because we had different personal styles, I'm outgoing and he tends not to be. Said he wanted to move back to his own house (which he still had because his son was finishing college and living there) and work on writing the great American novel. So he moved out about 3 months ago. We are both professionals. He is having financial difficulty because he really has not been working hard/much over the last couple of years and I had been sending him work (since we are in the same field). Of course, I did everything wrong in the beginning like crying and asking him why etc. We did spend time together and also ML at his request after he moved out. He repeatedly says that he loves me "in his own incomplete way" still. Finally, I broke off contact because it was too hard for me to hear how he loved me but wanted to live alone and not work on the marriage. He also said repeatedly that he thought that were were great friends and would always be friends but he just didn't want to be married. At one time, he said he might file for divorce but has not moved in that direction. Hadn't heard from him in two weeks until today when he emailed me and asked me for a book he still had at my house that he had sold on Amazon and needed to get it to ship out. Told him that I'd drop it off at his house and that I hoped he was well. Nothing more. Given that age has been the factor that has been in his mind twice when he has broken up with me and that he repeatedly says he loves me, I figure there's hope and that maybe he is MLC or Bipolar. (He has been diagnosed with BP but refuses medication.) It's almost like a switch in him goes off and he is either all there or totally off re the relationship. But, I don't know what to do or how to detach. Can you all please send me some sage advice? I am struggling more today because I just heard from him. It is definitely easier when there is no contact. Take care, peeps.
I figure there's hope and that maybe he is MLC or Bipolar. (He has been diagnosed with BP but refuses medication.)
Welcome to the board
MLC can mimic bipolar so the real question is has he been like this his whole life or just more recently. How long has he been diagnosed bipolar? Bipolar people will rarely take their meds and continue to stay on them, they would rather blame some one else.
No matter what you can not FIX him.
Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Hi, thank you for the response Cadet. I have been GALing and had been doing pretty well but . . . last week, a I talked to a friend of ours who was also concerned about my H's mental state. It was someone he respects so I emailed H and said that his friend, as others, were worried about him being bipolar and asked him to talk to him and think about it. That was last Thursday. I heard nothing from him since them except I just got an email today saying only that he regarded the marriage as irretrievably broken and attaching a joint petition for dissolution and asking me to file for divorce with him. I responded by email and simply said that I did not agree that the marriage was irretrievably broken and that I would contest any divorce. His last several emails-- before this-- even said that he still loved me. This response was from a man who swore to me repeatedly when we got together that he would never leave me or even put the relationship in jeopardy. I am guessing that my email made him angry. But, I promised when me married that I would stand for him and he does seem to need help and I don't know what to do. He's not working, just sitting at his home doing nothing all day. I know that I've probably violated every DB rule in the book but I really don't know what to do now. Any thoughts? Please help.
Update: After I sent my husband the email stating that I did not want the divorce and would contest it. I wrote him a separate email later in which I apologized for my part in our relationship difficulties and said that I did not want us to become adversaries. Here is his response: "I appreciate the heartfelt message and the vulnerability you show in writing it. You do not need to worry about escalation or my ever becoming an adversary. With respect to forgiveness, let me say again there is nothing for me to forgive. However, if you think it helps, let's both forgive each other for whatever we may have done, said, or thought that hurt the other in anyway. I know that I have never intended to hurt you and believe that you have never intended to hurt me.
I don't have anything else at the moment except that you are entitled to and worthy of the feeling of being deeply loved every moment of the day and I am sorry that as a husband I could not give you that."
How do you think I should respond from a DB perspective? Do you think that there is hope?
Welcome to the boards and very sorry that you find yourself here. have you read DR yet? It is importatnt that you do. Below is a list of do and don'ts. Follow them until the book arrives. Post any TM or emails here for input before sending anything. post often
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Ok, that is great advice. I think I'm going to make that my new motto " duct tape everything." I will try to do that and keep you posted on my progress.
You know, it's funny. I've read the 37 rules many, many times but when I start to do something myself, I automatically distinguish my planned actions by saying to myself "oh, this isn't pursuing" or "this isn't R talk" when, if you look at it, it really was just exactly that. So the "duct tape" rule really is good advice for me. Thanks, Cadet. It will, hopefully, help me avoid more self-deception in the future.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there --
I have been going dark with my H and just got an email from him this morning and don't know what to say. I want to respond appropriately but don't want to respond in a pursuing way (which is my nature) so any thought about how to respond would be appreciated. Here is his email--
Happy Mother's Day! Nothing has changed my profound appreciation for how you have lived your life as a mother. You are a great mother, of this there can be no doubt. I have some sense of the depth of you commitment and motivation to provide your daughters with the ongoing unconditional love and nurture you were so cruelly denied in your childhood. Your success in doing this is amazing. You have two wonderful daughters who are so loved and nurtured that it would never even occur to them that this is not their birthright. You are giving them a childhood and adolescence abundant in the things that really matter. Your daughters each feel loved, each have many friends, and each is well on her way to becoming a magnificent adult. Our estrangement notwithstanding, I hope that you are able to take a few moments today and reflect on what a magnificent job you have done and to allow yourself a profound sense of joy accomplishment in your mothering of two wonderful kids.
