Me 46 - H 45 S 15 S 11 Married 17 yrs Bomb - Valentines Day 2012
Thanks for the info. I have read DR and have started applying what I learned. (180-and giving him PLENTY of space) Still in denial about OW. However, I have decided to let it go ( not easy) Always seems to b angry with me about something. Even makes things up!? However, today was a good day- little things most people wouldn't notice. My S15 had a baseball game we attended. When it was over he actually packed up my chair and reminded me not to forget my other chair and umbrella. ( big deal to me- it's been forever that he actually spoke pleasant to me and made eye contact). I asked him to fertilize the yard and he did. I was expecting him to suggest I do it since I'm home all day! After he was done he took the boys out to dinner. When they returned he seemed confused..almost like he didn't know what to do with himself. When he got ready to leave I thanked him for fertilizing and told the boys the thank their dad for dinner. As H was walking out the door he pointed out to me that there were "left overs" on the bar. Even told me what they were! This also may sound like nothing to the non- MLCers wife.. but to me is was a step in the right direction. At least we parted on a GOOD note! I pray for many more days like this one <><
Thx- this site has been my life line. It is very comforting knowing that I am not alone. This site has also reassured me that what my H is going thru is NOT my fault!
WTD, I totally relate to your story! My husband's the same way. Christmas was fine, we talked about next year's Christmas and everything (actually H did the talking). Then suddenly he started acting strange, and then on February 7 he accidentally sent me a text meant for OW, and a week later he moved out. Have no idea where he is staying. We have a S4, whom he loves and comes to see. He's like someone I have never known. I'm doing fairly well DBing, but I don't know how long I can take it. I am not from the US, and my plan is to move back to Europe w S in December if he hasn't come out of it then. My H suffers from depression (untreated because of lack of insurance), hates his job, feels miserable about not having a good career, no $$ and so forth. It's very difficult. Hang in there. At least you are not alone.
Evas, Hate that we find ourselves in similar situations. This "person" is not my husband. I also believe depression pushed my husband to this point ( and the OW that he is still in denial about!). I wish you the best of luck. I lost both of my parents in an accident when I was 18. I do believe this blow is just as difficult to handle. The only thing I have to hold onto now if my faith. It's very hard because it seems like every sec of every day-H is on my mind. There are too many unanswered questions H has yet to address. H moved out Feb 17 - the way he is treating me , I suspect the next "bomb" to come at any moment. Keep me posted with your progress - ill be praying.
Spring is in the air-time for new life to begin
I just keep telling myself God can move mountains. Miracles happen every day. There is no reason we can't be one of them!
I remember during my husband's MLC last summer, he was a totally different man. The night I found out about OW, he was furious and called me a b. He was truly acting out of his mind, and I remember thinking, this is not my husband! My husband would never treat me this way.
He said and did a lot of things that were not him. I remember how detached he was when he looked at me and said he didn't care how I was going to make it, that he was going to leave me and our daughter so he could get his own apartment and write music.
During MLC, they are a different person, they are going through some heavy emotions and changes inside that are scary to us. It is hard to navigate that ...... and the changes seem nearly over night at times. The thing is, they were thinking of going long before they drop the bomb. I know my H was.
My H describes that time period for him as being very scary, feeling out of control, anxious, depressed, trapped, and feeling desperate. he told me he felt like a volcanoe of emotions that he couldn't control.
The OW is a symptom of the MLC. At least that is how I saw it. It does not lessen the pain or the blow of it but it helps to understand it.
And they do seem like aliens, with all the things they say and their behavior so changed. I felt extremely afraid when he was going through this, but what really helped me was to start the process of GAL. I'm serious. GAL will change your life for the better and help you gain some strength through this.
I was holding on tightly to my H when he was in MLC, which is the worst thing I did. It was not until I took the steps to GAL and act as if I could go on without him, did he stop and realize what he was going to lose, me and our daughter.
It is very hard to look the one you love in the eye, feeling frightened that they are going to go and say, "Okay, leave". Those are words I did not want to say. But what it took to save my marriage was for me to give him all the space in the world and go on acting as if I was going to live my life with or without him in it.
Thanks for your story and suggestion. I know I need to GAL- but it's hard. It's only been 6 wks since he left and I am still so depressed. However, I know I need to pick myself up and do what needs to b done if I'm gonna try and save my marriage Thx again
My H came over yesterday to see S4, I was busy cleaning the kitchen floor. I try to always be busy doing something whenever he comes around. I have found the book "The Solo Partner" extremely helpful, esp the Pursuer/Distancer chapter, which describes our R in the past to a T. So I keep out of his way (in a friendly way), and do as little as possible for him (no advice, no questions - the works). This takes a lot of energy from my side.
GAL is working for me almost by default, because as I am now the single provider for me and S (I work full-time from home), I don't have much time to sit around and dwell. I take my S to the pool, we go running, we meet w friends etc.
I pray too, it helps. And I try to take S4 to family mass on Sundays. I'll be praying for you.
Ctflor, How is your situation now? How long did your H's MLC last? I hope you are doing well.
Sorry for hijacking this thread. I posted my own under Newcomers, titled "Advice please."
