Just when I thought the tides were chasing in my direction, I get blind sided. I thought I had my wife agreeing to go see a MC with me, her quote is I don't think it will work for me but what do you want to do, I said i wanted to try and go to marriage counseling, she said ok and she would go, she even texted me and asked if I made the appt. I got her some chocolate covered strawberries and a basic card for Valentine's day, she appreciated it. There emotional attachment from her end.
Event's leading up to this: My wife had a affair 4 yrs ago, we were seperated for 6 weeks then she came back, the usual, she didn't love me thought the grass was greener on the other side, left then realized that I was better, she begged me to take her back and I did, we put what hapened behind us and didn't take much about or go see a C, 1st problem. I have had issues with what happened and after 4 yrs I just didn't care wether she was here or not. Around christmas things got badk and she said she wanted a divorce. I was a little shocked and the more I thought about i realized that I didn't want the divorce and work to correct the way I acted. She had quit talking about the divorce for a few weeks and we communicated better about things, but no pressure about us. I have always had a feeling that there was something else going on. Just the way she acted, well today I find out that she is having a EA with someone she works with, I found the note. He is currently in jail so he sent it from jail. I confronted her about it and she said that it is not a PA. He's been in jail for 6 weeks, she does have feelings for him but not sure of anything else. She still stated she wanted a D. I finally told get the paperwork together and I would fill it out, I'm done tired of feeling like this. She did say that when she left the first she can't be around somebody for too long, she gets tired of them. I said what happened to me then, we made it 12 yrs together, I must have been doing something right. No real answer on that one.
I know the other guy is filling the emotional need that I wasn't, now I just go a different way.
You are in a tough situation. Did you ever get MC? Unfortunately, even if things seem better, but you never got to the root of what was eating away at the marriage, it will come back. As you know, if you don't make appropriate changes, we are destined to keep getting the same results. I think a DB coach could be very helpful on you getting clarity on what your goal is and be sure you aren't leaving any stone uncovered on making the marriage work, and then know that your plan should be. There is a good deal on coaching now..so feel free to call me. Take good care
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
It gets frustrating writing on this forum, I get limited response from people on most of the stuff I submit. I read alot of the other topic's and get alot out of them.
Craig be patient I don't know if you have read Sandi's rules but I will post them for you. In addition, please give us more information, kids, ages, etc... Post often so the more experienced DBers can get a better picture of you.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Take a deep breath....ok look only you know when you are done. Have you DR yet? We record that you start thhere. You don't have to decide anything at the moment. Keep posting.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I thought I had my wife agreeing to go see a MC with me, her quote is I don't think it will work for me but what do you want to do
It is very hard when the other person in a relationship doesn't want to or can't invest in the M anymore.
It took her a long time to get to feeling like this.
Any ideas as to how she got there?
Any ideas of why she doesn't to be married to you anymore?
Getting her to agree with you right now about anything should not be your focus.
It should be figuring out what you did in your M that contributed to its demise.
It should be looking in the mirror. Are you the man you aspire to be?
Not what your W thinks. YOU?
Originally Posted By: Craig
My wife had a affair 4 yrs ago, we were seperated for 6 weeks then she came back, the usual, she didn't love me thought the grass was greener on the other side, left then realized that I was better, she begged me to take her back and I did, we put what hapened behind us and didn't take much about or go see a C, 1st problem.
What were her reasons back then?
Did you talk about it?
Did you truly forgive her or was there an underlying sense of seething anger that might have made her feel she could never overcome her mistake?
Originally Posted By: Craig
I know the other guy is filling the emotional need that I wasn't, now I just go a different way.
Maybe. Maybe not.
Could be there is void you may never be able to fill.
She is behaving badly and has behaved badly in your M. Any idea why?
Look some of this may be on you. You seem a reasonable guy and you said you have tried to make changes when you recognized what you felt needed to change in you.
Do you want to save your marriage?
Why?
If you do, then do it for you.
Make changes for you.
Answer my questions if you want they are for you. If you want to put your answers here then we can try to help you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
